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To wish DH wouldn't do this...

(92 Posts)
Gatehouse77 Tue 31-May-16 09:09:48

General mornings/breakfast go like this. I get up, wake kids, do packed lunches then sit down in the living room (open plan-ish) with a cup of tea to read news, mumsnet, etc. DH has usually gone to work.

I choose to sit away from everyone else because I get irrationally irritated by the noise of them eating. Often they're wearing headphones so are unaware of the nose they make and it means there's no other noise to soak it up - radio, chatter, etc.

I am the one with the problem. I know that and I accept that.

When DH is around he will sometimes coma and sit beside me to have his breakfast. Because of my issues I choose to get up and move away so as not be wound up by something soooo trivial first thing. I don't have a problem doing this, I am not angry, not stomping around just calmly get up and move.

Every fucking time DH will either strop about it or, after I have moved, offer to move away. THIS is what is causing the rage in me. Why can't he just carry on? Its not his fault I have this issue and I'm trying not to make it his problem. Why can't he just accept that I willingly remove myself? Why am I left feeling like somehow my choices mean he can't do what he wants to do? Even though I am not getting him to move, asking anything of him or being a sulky sue about it.

So, just now I had a controlled blow up and asked why does he do this. He's now stopped off to eat his breakfast in the playroom/conservatory stating that I'm being unreasonable because he only wants to do right by me and it's an expression of his love and care. Yet, it's this very issue that can put me in a mood first thing NOT that I have to move away.

Am I missing something here?

NapQueen Tue 31-May-16 09:12:45

He comes and sits next to you and you get up and move away? That's pretty rude imo.

I get (ish) that you need time and space to yourself in the morning, but you and dh need to talk about this another time. Calmly explain that you like to be alone for a little bit in the morning. However he may rightly take it as a slight that you want to avoid him.

Can you have your breakfast and peach and quiet before the kids and he wake?

PPie10 Tue 31-May-16 09:12:50

Are you like this all the time? Can no one ever sit next to you? I think he could be understanding at times but if you never sit next to anyone that's a bit unfair on them as well.

Hodooooooooor Tue 31-May-16 09:13:31

Why am I left feeling like somehow my choices mean he can't do what he wants to do?

Your choices mean he can't sit with his wife for a few minutes before he goes to work, presumably? You don't have to sit with him, of course, but surely you can understand that he's just trying to eat breakfast with you?
Do you eat lunch and dinner alone too?

Hassled Tue 31-May-16 09:14:26

What you're missing is a rational, calm discussion about it - pick a time (that's not the morning) when you're both in the right sort of mood and where you can say what you've said here. I think people without this sort of irrational dislike of a noise/thing/animal/whatever find it really hard to understand quite how all-consuming it can be (my DH just does not understand my fear of rodents, for example) - it needs spelling out.

anyoldname76 Tue 31-May-16 09:14:31

tbh i think id be a bit hurt if dh got up and moved away because he didnt like the sound of me eating

ScarletForYa Tue 31-May-16 09:16:06

He knows you have misophonia and he deliberately sits next to you eating?

That's nasty behaviour.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 31-May-16 09:16:21

I'm sure being irritated by the sound of people eating is a recognised 'thing' as in a medical condition so no, YANBU.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 31-May-16 09:16:25

I'd be really upset if I sat down to eat breakfast next to my husband and he got up and moved every time!

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Tue 31-May-16 09:16:44

That's it! What Scarlet said!

monkeywithacowface Tue 31-May-16 09:17:04

The OP removes herself because she can't tolerate eating sounds so I don't think she is rude to get up and walk away when her dh sits next to her to eat even though he knows she hates it. I can't bare the sound of dh eating how I haven't stabbed him yet is beyond me. Sympathies OP

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 31-May-16 09:17:05

You sound a bit rude tbh.

Morasssassafras Tue 31-May-16 09:17:44

Do you think you have misophonia op? The fact there is a name for it may help your dh to understand more.

WineOrSleep Tue 31-May-16 09:17:49

Op, I understand this

My DH can't bear to hear people eating (unless he is eating himself). It literally sits his teeth on edge. If he's on the sofa and I sit down next to him with a handful of grapes / a sandwich / whatever, he flinches and then moves away

Used to really hurt, but we had a chat and I learnt to understand that as you say, he only moves away so he doesn't have to ask me to move

All that happens now is that I will choose to sit somewhere else and finish eating before I come and sit next to him for a cuddle.

I sometimes forget, in which case he usually just gives me a kiss on the forehead before scarpering to the other sofa

Maybe before you get up and leave you try that? Let's your DH know that you're only moving because you don't want to ask him to; but you still love him

BastardGoDarkly Tue 31-May-16 09:18:16

Yes, I'm interested to know about other mealtimes too.

Abbinob Tue 31-May-16 09:18:29

OP I can't stand the noise of people eating either, there's a name for it.
At dinner I just try to get over myself and ignore it but first thing in the morning it would do my head in, it's the same feeling as nails on a chalkboard

Coconutty Tue 31-May-16 09:18:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 31-May-16 09:19:37

I hate eating cereal in front of people and I especially never eat it next to my husband grin

I always take myself off to eat it alone and my husband finds it amusing rather than rude grin

ThinkPinkStink Tue 31-May-16 09:19:39

Irrational disgust at the sound of other people's mastication is a recognised psychological condition (misophonia).

OPs response is irrational and out of proportion BECAUSE she is suffering from this complaint.

OP it's worth popping to the doc's to see if they can arrange some kind of therapy (likely CBT).

PPie10 Tue 31-May-16 09:20:02

So does this mean you never sit with people when they are eating? No social situations ever? No family meals?

monkeywithacowface Tue 31-May-16 09:20:10

Breakfast is the meal of crunchy sounds though, toast, cereal and slurpy milk so it's the hardest to tolerate

ThinkPinkStink Tue 31-May-16 09:20:16

Oooh X post to the max.!

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 31-May-16 09:22:17

Have you been to your GP and spoken to them about having misophonia?

I'm also interested in how you deal with other mealtimes. Can your husband never sit with you and eat dinner, for example?

I think you do need to learn some coping strategies. Put the radio on so that you can't really hear the chewing, for example. But I think to expect your husband to never eat a meal near you is a bit extreme and unfair on your DH, tbh.

GloopyGhoul Tue 31-May-16 09:25:22

OP my husband and I have similar, but with the TV. I don't like the TV being on when I'm not watching it (it's a volume/sound sensitivity thing rather than out and out selfishness). If he wants to watch something in the evening I'll often go upstairs to read, and then I get the faux puppy dog eyes and, "But you said you didn't mind" whine.

I just try to remain good humoured and explain on repeat. And occasionally shout about how "TV" always trumps "no TV".

Toffeelatteplease Tue 31-May-16 09:26:43

Yep you are missing something but so is he.

We as a species are not good at recognising the need for separateness. We tend to place more stock in the "no man is an island" point if view.

You missed that he is trying to be nice and sociable with you.

He's missed that it doesn't felt that way to you because it's forcing you into a position you were avoiding in the first place.

It's a hard one because essentially you are both playing needs top trumps. He's need to be social with you does not trump your need to be on your own. But I would argue (probably controversially) that I would feel pretty sad and rejected if a DP didn't want to sit and have breakfast with me or just walked off if I sat next to them

Problem about living with and being around other people is that it requires compromise. Either you go my way and realise (other than the kids) your really not keen on the level of compromise living with someone entails; or you have to hash out these kind of problems until you hit a level of compromise you can both stand.

I think YANBU but I don't think he is either

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