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To think what DH does is not saintly?

(897 Posts)
Loulou0 Tue 31-May-16 06:24:04

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

whattheseithakasmean Tue 31-May-16 06:27:42

I think doing night feeds when you are working full time is pretty heroic, sorry. Night feeds wiped me and I was on maternity so could veg & rest in jammies during the day, couldn't have put on work clothes & sat at a desk. I breastfed, so no chance of help with night feeds - soooo knackering.

Everything else sounds normal, but having the nights covered sounds superb.

Oysterbabe Tue 31-May-16 06:28:10

You don't do any night feeds? That doesn't seem fair to me.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 31-May-16 06:28:17

He does all the night feeds and works full time whilst you are on maternity leave - yes, that seems saintly to me smile

Fraggled Tue 31-May-16 06:29:16

Well you're right, he does his fair share but the night feeds are (imo) a killer and I'd also be considering my friends lucky if their partners did them. My DH would've done them for our children but I breastfed and they were bottle-refusers.

icklekid Tue 31-May-16 06:29:25

Sounds like a fair arrangement that works for you. Many others would love their dh to share in night feeds hence comments- my dh used to take ds from 4am onwards and go to work so I would sleep then until he left for work at 7am! What works for your family is great but perhaps don't push it being 'normal' too much as will only end with others feeling frustrated!

NapQueen Tue 31-May-16 06:29:47

Personally I think you should be doing some of the night feeds. You both work every day - him in the office and you in the home. You should do a night each on repeat.

Anyone that does every single night waking every single night is a saint imo irrespective of sex.

topazmilk Tue 31-May-16 06:30:08

I think he's doing a lot actually! Not that he shouldn't, just compared to the average. None of my friends' DHs did night feeds on work nights, my DH used to do the 1am feed when our baby was tiny but I took over all night feeds from 3months or so.

I think you need to be appreciative yes. It sounds like you take it for granted that he will carry on doing all night feeds and working full-time, which may backfire!

SpiceLinerandHoneyLove Tue 31-May-16 06:30:11

I think YABU, sorry OP. He is a saint doing nights and then functioning in the adult world in the day.
Can you share nights with him?

Fraggled Tue 31-May-16 06:30:56

As PP have said, two nightfeeds and then having to function at work is pretty impressive though. My DH has a very taxing job and I don't think he would have coped with the disturbed nights.

Loulou0 Tue 31-May-16 06:33:22

I should have added that he says he's OK to do the two night feeds... He says he doesn't get to see the baby much otherwise.

sofato5miles Tue 31-May-16 06:33:39

He sleeps in till 8 though. Some people do better at broken sleep than others.

Doesn't seem that saintly, just a system that works for you.

We were very similar in the early years and now I still go to bed an hour or two before DH, because I need more sleep. We both work now.

Penfold007 Tue 31-May-16 06:35:08

There will be women reading this who would do anything for 6-8 hours uninterrupted rest and a partner who pulls their weight with the parenting. You and your H seem to have it sorted, I hope you let him have some uninterrupted nights and take over the night feeds. Sleep deprivation is horrible.

sandylion Tue 31-May-16 06:35:44

If the baby is a newborn I can't see this lasting. Broken sleep is so horrible, can't you split the load? It seems like you are getting the better deal rather than it being 50:50. My husband is great (is up making LO his morning feed right now) but I couldn't have expected him to be up twice and drive to and function at work.

topazmilk Tue 31-May-16 06:35:46

Also, when is his 'time to himself'? I appreciate you like to go for a daily run but does he get time off too?

I also think it's a bit selfish that you expect him to help you get the kids up, when he's done all the night feeds! Why can't you get them up and let him rest?

Have you recently given birth? If so I can understand you needing help in the early weeks while you recover. If not, I think he's doing most of your share as well as his!

honeylulu Tue 31-May-16 06:36:26

I'm a great believer in equality and it still sounds like he does rather a lot to me. My husband did a fair share when I was on maternity leave including cooking every other night and looking after our elder child (school age). I did all the night waking/night feeds though. It didn't seem fair for him to be tired when he had to hold a job down which was our sole income at the time, and I definitely didn't want him to drive when tired.
If it works though and you're both happy, who gives a toss what anyone else says. "Saintly" is a bit OTT though!
Can't get over the fact you have a newborn and go running! ?! I would have been leaking wee, blood and milk all over the shop if that was me. (TMI )

feckity Tue 31-May-16 06:38:11

Assuming your DH has a choice between doing the night feeds or getting up at 6am instead of 8am, and he makes that choice happily, I wouldn't say he's a saint exactly. He gets an extra two hours sleep in the morning to make up for the disturbances in the night. That wouldn't work for me as I just can't sleep in the morning like that, but if he does and isn't feeling any ill effects then I don't see what the problem is.

As long as you're both happy with the situation then there's nothing saintly about it.

Oysterbabe Tue 31-May-16 06:38:39

If it works for you then who cares what anyone else thinks? I wouldn't go so far as saint but it sounds like he gets little time to himself. I think it would be more fair to swap the overnight routine a few nights a week.

Loulou0 Tue 31-May-16 06:40:58

Honeylulu baby is 5 weeks now and it's more of a fast walk / slow jog than a run at the moment! smile

Loulou0 Tue 31-May-16 06:42:55

Feckity yes it is his choice. I offer some nights to do the night time feeds and he's ok with it. He doesn't seem to need as much sleep as me.

BennyTheBall Tue 31-May-16 06:43:47

He obviously thinks this is fine, so great. Does he do this even at the weekends too?

I did all the night feeds when ours were small. It seemed fair to me plus I was breast feeding.

SeemsLegit Tue 31-May-16 06:45:18

He seems to be doing more than his fair share since you're on mat leave. It's a shame he can't have more quality time with the baby than doing night feeds

LaurieMarlow Tue 31-May-16 06:45:33

Good for you both OP. Looks like you have it sorted. Some people do better on broken sleep than others - and his night time duties sound doable because he gets to lie in a bit.

Don't worry about what other people say. There are always those who think it's right and proper for you to utterly knacker yourself before disturbing DH's precious sleep.

Oysterbabe Tue 31-May-16 06:46:16

It's amazing your baby only wakes twice at 5 weeks. Will he still do all the feeds if that changes to every hour at the 4 month sleep regression?

Helloitsme88 Tue 31-May-16 06:47:15

My OH and I share but I do the majority of night feeds as I'm on maternity. personally I think he does a lot. I thought my OH did a lot but if it works for you then go with it and don't worry. I also never understand this- he needs to drive to work and function all day so I do the night feeds. Surely driving around with a baby is a bigger deal than work and yet us mums do this half shattered every day. Then looking after LOs. It was fine with one as you could catch up and snooze during the day but having a toddler and a baby is a game changer. Especially as my baby doesn't sleep. Ever

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