Can you help me understand please...(8 Posts)
... because I feel like dying.
DH and I have a dd age 6. A really tough cookie. ADHD/ ODD/PDA. DH blames me a lot for working when DD was younger and brings all her issues back to my "absence". I thought I was doing something positive for the family and thought I had DH's support - DD was at nursery then reception so really I was only "absent" for about an hour at either end of the day.
Fast forward. I gave up job and am now at home. DD is very difficult. DH never sets boundaries. I feel I have to compensate and am always the bad guy. DH says he is lax because I am strict. And so we go round in circles.
This morning DD pinched me really hard and hit me during an aggressive outburst - also threw stuff and slammed the door. At the start of the outburst I tried to remain calm and but she kept going on and on and ended up hitting and pinching me very hard on my leg. I lost it and ended up shouting. I know. I'm not proud. DH (nearby) claims not to have heard any of this. I asked him to have a word with her. He spoke to her but didn't mention anything about her hitting and pinching me. I said that he should have told her it was inappropriate to hit your mother. He said that it was "not constructive" to say that. I said so the message you are giving her is that it's ok for her to hit her mother. And bingo, later on when he was out she hit me again. She has hit him too before now but he always lets her get away with it.
I am so upset - she is totally messed up and confused. I have tried to say to DH that we need to be on the same page about things like this. I understand he was unhappy that I shouted but in her eyes I think he should support me in saying that it is unacceptable to hit your mother (or anyone). And that he should talk to me privately about being calmer or other advice about how
crap I am as a mother I should handle things. He said that he would never support me as long as I shouted. He also said a lot of other deeply personal and hurtful things about me. I feel like I am always the bad guy. I feel like there wouldn't be this divide and I wouldn't feel so pressured if he supported me more in handling her.
He says she would be calmer if I didn't shout. Yes. Perhaps. But she does have other issues - like ODD/PDA. And perhaps she wouldn't hit (so much) if she understood - from both parents - that it was inappropriate.
I feel like I am a single parent dealing with all this on my own. And I can't handle it. I love my DD like mad and everything I do centres around her but I feel like I am a shit mother and that she would be better off without me.
Is it really all my fault?
He is a dick. That's the short answer.
He isn't parenting his properly and he blames that on the way you parent her.
She has issues. Actual bona fide SEN yet he blames that on you.
You ask him for support. He refuses or gives then guilty you for it.
Your daughter may feel like the problem in these family but it seriously isn't. The issue is she has a dick for a dad.
You are right. His reasoning that he is lax because you are strict is nonsense. It doesn't work like this - as you say, parents have to be on the same page. If he doesn't like your style, he should talk about that with you, not just "make up for it" by not setting any boundaries at all.
Perhaps you should get a divorce and let him raise her on his own, since he thinks he is so much better at it.
Or you raise her on your own. You write you feel like a single parent anyway, so, would it change things much?
Can you get your job back? Your husband lacks loyalty to you with regard to raising your DD, I fear for your future.
You're not a shit mother, quite the contrary. You cracked and shouted. Everyone does occasionally. My four year old told me today that 'I still love you , Mummy, even when you say Jesus', after I'd lot it after a particularly trying episode. Your husband isn't parenting your daughter properly and is foisting the blame on you. You would be finding even a very challenging child far easier to parent if your husband backed you up.
A parenting course? Can you return to work?
She would most definitely NOT be better off without you
But the two of you would most definitely be better off without your 'DH'.
A mother who worked when her DD was young / not yet born cannot be responsible for SN that a child may have.
He obviously does totally believe that you are to blame for all the problems here - clearly he's not responsible in any way because in his eyes, he is perfect.
This is a very serious problem. He needs counselling. You need to try to get him to understand that it's not your fault.... no idea how you achieve that btw. Sorry, not very helpful but your DH is the big, big problem here.
Yes to DH problem - walk out for a bit and calm down -
Maybe DH needs a stretch of parenting alone -
Wow. So you shouting absolves him of any responsibility to parent his own child? He is seriously stupid isn't he?
YANBU to be upset, YABU to feel like you're doing anything wrong.
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