AIBU to be pissed off and not want to go to my birthday meal?(129 Posts)
Had a pathetic row with DH who stormed off for the night, I assumed to a hotel. Just after he left we had some bad news which I relayed to him and then spent the rest of the (sleepless for me) night worrying about how he was processing the news and if he was ok. I had phoned and texted him to at least let me know that he was ok. Nothing.
Today he breezes in and says he was at his mums.
Things haven't always been amazing between me and his mum and recently things have been ok and we were all set to go out for a meal a few weeks from now to celebrate my birthday but now DH has run off to his mothers house after a row I feel humiliated and like I don't want to go for this meal.
I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else.
I am also fuming with DH. He let me worry about him all night, wondering if he was ok and all the time he was putting his feet up at his mothers.
I now don't want to go out for this meal knowing that they know our problems and I don't even want to speak to him.
AIBU? FWIW the argument was a really petty one and not even about anything important.
Don't be forced to go if you don't want.
DH sounds mad though - storming out of the house and refusing to be contacted due to a petty argument? Is he 14 or something?
Is your relationship normally okay?
Derek I couldn't sleep because we'd had bad news and I didn't know where he was and assumed he was on his own fretting about it. I begged him to let me know he was ok and he didn't. I was worried sick.
He is 45 so can't he just check into a hotel if he needs to storm off in a huff like a tantrummy teenager? I wouldn't be running home to mummy.
It was a row about nothing ffs.
I don't want to sit opposite his family knowing they know everything about our private business.
I disagree I don't think it's fair that a partner should be disclosing arguments especially PETTy arguements to families ( totally different if it's involved violence) . They end up forming opinions and it's not fair on the partner to take sides. My ex had a habit of involving his family where as I just got on with it and didn't need to disclose anything. Me and his mother had a bad relationship.
My DH has gone to his mothers to cool down but doesn't disclose our arguement. Sometimes you need to have space.
This is not his Mum's fault. He's her son and if he turns up wanting to stay with her for the night after an argument, she's hardly going to turn him away is she?
Equally, if he wants to bend her ear about his problems, well that's what parents are for if you're close to them.
He should have told you were he was to stop you from worrying, even if he didn't want to talk to you.
I wouldn't focus on a birthday meal right now, you need to focus on your relationship/communication etc.
Thank you Silverpenny
He has been under a lot of stress lately so has been a bit volatile (not violent or anything but very snappy) but we usually tick along ok.
And why is it that when a man is close to his Mum, she suddenly becomes known as 'Mummy' on Mumsnet?
If a woman is close to her Mum, she's just known as 'Mum'.
If you don't want to go for your birthday meal then don't, your choice. Personally I wouldn't miss my birthday meal over what you say is a petty argument.
I don't see a problem with you DH talking to his mum. My DH tells his Mum (and dad too until he died) a lot and they have helped when we have had heart ache on the past, I think it's kind of sweet they have that kind of relationship. I hope ds will grow up to be the same with us. I can be a private person but they are his parents and every body needs some body to talk to some times.
I wouldn't expect his mother to turn him away....
I do expect him to act like a fucking adult though. He knows I would hate him going to his mums and telling her all about whatever nonsense row we had. Like Stardust says they end up forming opinions and have in the past blamed me for the one-sided stories they hear from DH> It feels disloyal to me.
Especially when it's over something ridiculous.
just to be clear, DH and his mum do NOT have a good relationship. They are very similar so grate on each others nerves.
She is not someone he would have big heart to hearts with.
It's the fact that he went there so they know we had a row that I find humiliating. I have a great relationship with my parents but I don't feel the need to disclose every tiny detail of our relationship with them.
Why shouldn't he go to his family home?
I'd sooner my adult children turn up at our house than pay for a hotel.
He should have let you know where he was and that he was ok, to ignore you was uncalled for.
He was wrong to not let you know he was ok.
But I can't get on board with being wrong for going to his mums house. You seem to be convinced he did this on purpose because you don't like it.
But personally I think Yabu. People sometimes talk to other people, you can't demand he keeps everything to himself because you do.
Your problem is with your DH.
He does sound childish in that he let you worry all night about him, instead of simply sending a text.
But no longer wanting to go for your birthday meal, which isn't for a few weeks anyway, because your inlaws now know the details of a petty row, sounds a bit childish and 'tantrummy' too.
Don't go if you don't want to, but it sounds as though you'll be cutting your own nose off to spite your face.
maybe he went there and said "had a row, dont want to talk about it, just need a bed"
thats what i would do
I would be crosser at dh for going to a hotel when he could go to his mum's because of the money it would cost.
Can I just clarify that it took a long time for things to be ok between his mum and me. Every time he told her we were having any issues before we got married she took a stance (understandably thats her son but our issues were minor) and was very anti me. In spite of the fact it had nothing to do with her and she only ever heard his side of things. He knows she will now not be talking to me again.
So no, I don't want to sit amongst people who make snide comments about me and blame me for all the ills in the world. It took a lot to get us to a good place (me and his mother) and that's all just been trashed again.
The dinner's not the issue here is it, it's your relationship with DH.
You've got a few weeks before that celebration event which can easily be postponed.
Have you talked to him about his outburst and the consequences it'll have on your relationship with your MIL?
I think you need to work on a relationship where he storms out in a huff over something petty, and goes to his mums. Then not contact you. Sounds like a stroppy teenager instead of a 45 yo man!
If my husband had done this, his mother would have told him to get straight back home and sort it out with his wife; she'd have told him in no uncertain terms that he's a grown man, married, and his first priority should be his wife and the marriage.
I'd hope to be able to say the same to my married son if the same situation were to arise.
He knows she will now not be talking to me again
Then she's hardly likely to turn up for your Birthday meal is she?
I can't even fathom how that would work
Do you not know many passive-aggressive people then Worra?
There are loads of ways to pick at someone, including turning up to a meal and being an arse with silent treatment etc.
BillyGoat, if my parents had said that to me, they would have meant sending me straight back to an abusive man, with a very volatile temper.
So I hope you'll think about that before sending him away.
Imo the best thing to do is to let the wife know where he is (if he hasn't already) and just stay out of it.
So now I'm abusive with a volatile temper Worra?
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