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DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

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mummymalta Sun 29-May-16 22:53:39

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

Haggisfish Sun 29-May-16 22:57:08

Well everyone has a background. I wouldn't want to separate but would maybe appreciate some child free time to digest it and ask questions as they came to me.

CuntingDMjournos Sun 29-May-16 22:59:55

I actually thought this was a thread about you not being able to find a heavy box or some weights... Sorry.

I have read it rather than just make a flippant comment. I don't think you should separate, I actually think you should be supportive. I think it was so traumatising he's hidden it very deeply

Bogeyface Sun 29-May-16 23:01:03

TBH Yes I do think that YABU.

I can understand the shock at finding out such a huge thing from his past but the key thing is, it was his past. You said yourself that you had no inkling of this so the drug use and the "lost year" was something he did once and bears no resemblance to the man he is now.

I think that seperating is OTT, but YWNBU to want to talk about it and get your head straight about it.

The vast majority of us have things that we have done in our past that we wouldnt dream of doing now. We have grown up, moved on, changed. He has done the same. Then he was a person you wouldnt want to be with, but he isnt that person anymore.

inlectorecumbit Sun 29-May-16 23:01:49

I think you need time and space alone to process this new information THEN when things area bit clearer start to ask questions,
Only you know if it is a deal breaker or not--but you need to process this information before decisions can be made.

MintyBojingles Sun 29-May-16 23:03:18

Yes he should have told you, but presumably was ashamed and didn't want to ruin what you had.

I wouldn't want to separate, but I'd want some time and space to think. Any chance of sending DC to family for a day or two so you can talk as needed?

Mildred007 Sun 29-May-16 23:03:23

I think the same as Haggisfish. X

evelynj Sun 29-May-16 23:04:19

Yabu. A bit anyway. Though I agree it's worrying that he has compartmentalised this trauma. Try not to block hi. Out but maybe go yo a few counselling sessions if he agrees to it, (he may need separate counselling also). Sorry you've had such a shock

mummymalta Sun 29-May-16 23:04:23

CuntingDMjournos The lying has really bothered me. I'm really supportive but the lying has made me feel sick for some reason. He didn't seem haunted by the whole thing ..... moreso relieved that it was over and not wanting to relive it. I can't explain it. I see where you are coming from but he said he didn't tell me because he wanted to "forget the entire fucking mess happened"
He said after he got clean he realised at the time he thought he loved her but actually not really. He spoke of her quite flippantly actually. It was more so the drunk debt / police in a foreign country / family of dead girl stuff that he spoke wearily off. But again more like a bad dream that he never thinks about and doesn't want to.

EveryoneElsie Sun 29-May-16 23:05:27

I'm not surprised you're in shock.
Hopefully DH realises this is a big deal and will allow you space to process it.
He must do really, because he hid it from you. He cant really pretend it was nothing and thats why he didnt mention it.

Get some time out if you can ,then maybe dome counseling. At leas that will give you someone who doesnt have a vested interest to talk to. flowers

BeautifulMaudOHara Sun 29-May-16 23:05:53

Blimey, YABU - he really doesn't have to tell you everything that happened before you met.

He didn't kill anyone, he did drugs, so what? He doesn't now, presumably.

My husband doesn't know every single thing that happened before I met him, why would he?

pleasethankyouthankyouplease Sun 29-May-16 23:06:18

I think the others are making sense and it's similar to what I was going to say.
People have pasts. Don't go looking ( you didn't, it found you but maybe don't go looking now...) as you might start to get drawn into something that wasn't and isn't about you.
I understand this has been a shock and it's horrible to feel you don't really know him but you do. You just didn't know this. It does affect you on some levels as it must affect him . I feel for you but would really suggest you talk and then you leave it. The subject, not the relationship x

mummymalta Sun 29-May-16 23:06:28

I don't mean legal separation, just some time apart for a bit.

mummymalta Sun 29-May-16 23:08:16

BeautifulMaudOHara You are right. That's why in the post i said we all have pasts but where do you draw the line. Out of interest where do you draw the line? i think a drug habit / dead ex girlfriend / drug debt drama is a big secret.

purplefox Sun 29-May-16 23:09:20


He comes home tells no one traumatised

This is clearly something he wouldn't want to be reliving by telling a woman he'd just met 18 months later, and after it understandably this traumatic, hard period didn't come up in the "getting to know you" phase, when would have been the right time to bring it up? There wouldn't have been one.

gleam Sun 29-May-16 23:09:55

I don't understand why you're upset about this. Everyone has a past.

HeddaGarbled Sun 29-May-16 23:10:09

I can understand why this is a shock but I think his motives for keeping this from you were not malicious. He must be ashamed and traumatised and very very worried about what you would think of him.

He has told you now and of course you are reeling. But don't do anything rash. If you need some time apart from him to think about it, that's OK. Would you be up for some counselling?

Take your time. You don't have to make any immediate decisions.

BeautifulMaudOHara Sun 29-May-16 23:10:50

You know if he'd said he had other children or wives or had been a drug dealer or sold arms or killed loads of people or had been a prostitute or been a spy or mercenary then I'd think you had a point, maybe.

But he took drugs, had a tragic ex girlfriend. That's it.

It seems a bit unreasonable to suddenly want to separate. He hasn't changed. He really still didn't have to tell you, he chose to, presumably expecting you'd still love him (and why shouldn't he?)

TheCladdagh Sun 29-May-16 23:10:53

I can see why you've had a shock, but I think that keeping to the conclusion that it's a separation issue is quite weird and arbitrary. Do we owe our spouses our entire pasts, no matter how traumatising? I was abused as a child and my DH only found out about when, after 20 years together, I got horrific flashbacks in late pregnancy after a procedure. I don't feel in the least apologetic about not sharing details I still find too difficult to recall, despite therapy. It doesn't determine who I am. I simply don't want to rein habit that time.

LittleBearPad Sun 29-May-16 23:11:15

But what does some time apart mean. What would you tell your children. 'daddy did some stuff I don't like years before he met me'.

Yes take some time to process it but he's the same man head been throughout your marriage.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 29-May-16 23:12:58

I can understand you being shocked but YABU to want to separate over it.

BeautifulMaudOHara Sun 29-May-16 23:13:26

The things I've listed I might be concerned about, possibly.

But some time doing drugs and a personal tragedy? Nope, wouldn't stop me loving my husband.

IMO you're way over reacting

mummymalta Sun 29-May-16 23:13:33

The post makes me look cold and shallow - I'm not at all. 10 years though. Was he ever going to tell me?
How would you guys react if your DH did a drug addiction and dead ex GF?
He is right to not want to speak about it - I get that. But I just cant connect to him right now. Reeling.

BeautifulMaudOHara Sun 29-May-16 23:15:12

The claddagh is right, we don't owe our partners our entire pasts, well put.

LittleBearPad Sun 29-May-16 23:15:50

I'd want to talk to him. I'd feel horribly sorry for him that he went through something so awful.

I'd make the life we built together the priority.

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