That my husband's family never give me gifts?

[Duckie2016]

We've just had our anniversary and my brother-in-law bought my husband a present but not me. Let me explain that my husband's business has dried up and I'm supporting the family financially. My husband does his fair share of childcare and domestic work, so no complaints there. My brother-in-law is well aware of this situation, and while I know he bought the gift, a pair of expensive shoes, to cheer his brother up, when as a couple we cannot afford to go out for a dinner to celebrate it feels pretty insensitive. But then I've never really been made to feel part of the family - and this becomes especially apparent during those gift-giving occasions.
At Christmas they buy us a 'joint' gift, usually something my husband wants like this year box sets - but my husband is also given an extra present while I'm not. Our daughter's birthday is the day after mine, so I don't get acknowledged. Since we've been together I've always bought lovely gifts for his family, sent his mother flowers to say thank you for hosting us at Christmas (having contributed heavily towards the costs), ect, etc... because I was raised to be generous. My husband mismanaged his money, didn't listen to me when I asked him to put cash aside for the rainy days, and now I feel like his brother is rewarding him for being irresponsible while I have to slog through work to keep a roof over our heads. So I feel a bit down-trodden and taken for granted. Am I just wallowing in self pity or do I have a point?

[FlopIsMyParentingGuru]

Stop doing all the extra stuff that you do?

[lem73]

Yep stop being generous.

[HeddaGarbled]

You definitely do have a point but why oh why do you persist in buying them lovely presents, flowers etc? His family, his responsibility. Stop now.

[QOD]

I spent more on dsis than dbil.
normal to me

[leelu66]

YANBU, I know what it feels like to be surrounded by takers!

Honestly, you just need to stop giving them things! It really is that simple.

And it's really empowering! You don't need their approval.

I guarantee you this OP - no matter how much you give them, they will never be satisfied or grateful.

Save your generosity for people who appreciate it

[Oldraver]

Yes I would stop wit the presents...and I wouldn't be too bothered by letting them know why

[cinnamonorange]

YANBU, I had to sit through hours of Christmas present opening at the inlaws and there wasn't a single present for me, it was crap.

[Stardust160]

Getting a gift on an wedding anniversary seems odd to me although Christmas and birthdays I always get a present from SIL and MIL. I would leave the gift buying to your DH for his family

[leelu66]

cinnamon



Did you get them presents? Did your DH say anything to them?

[cinnamonorange]

DH got the rather passive-aggressive present of a cookery book of British classics. The inlaws know he's foreign and doesn't cook

[SouperSal]

We don't even buy each other anniversary/Xmas presents so don't think I'd be expecting them from all and sundry!

[Duckie2016]

Unfortunately, as my husband has no money this year, when he does buy his family gifts, it's with my cash. So even if I wanted to stop giving them anything I can't! Yes, the anniversary gift was odd, it's our first year of marriage and I think it was more timing than anything else as my husband is now officially broke! His family really make a point of giving each other stuff, and his brother and mum are very generous with our daughter. It's not even the things to be honest - it feels more a way to exclude me - to let me know I'm only there as my husband's wife and the mother of the grandchild/niece not as someone they would readily invite into their lives. As both my parents are dead, and I'm an only child it would be nice to feel part of a wider family!

[DumbDailyMail]

Mmm, I think it's ok if it's normal for the family. It wouldn't bother me unless it was being done to be deliberately nasty.
My in laws don't generally get me presents but it would seem a bit weird if they did. My family get my DH presents but I think that's because they all share an interest so it's easy for them to get something that he likes.

My DH and I both tend to get things for our own families. He gets presents for his siblings and I get presents for mine. I like it this way. I don't particularly want 'stuff' from his family.

We all get on well but his family is his and mine is mine.

[blackbirdmilkshake]

"I was raised to be generous"

Generosity isn't giving in order to receive

[DumbDailyMail]

Xpost. Ohh, I send that your parents have passed away . I think that puts a different slant on it. If my DIL didn't have parents I would want to make sure she felt part of the family.

[SanityAssassin]

totally bemused by adults expecting presents etc for Birthdays and other occasions - surely grown adults would just buy anything they fancied and not have to endure the bad present experience.

[CantChoose]

We both get more from our own parents at Christmas alongside a joint gift. But getting an anniversary gift that's only for one of you is outright weird imo!

[CantChoose]

sanityassassin do you never give a gift to another adult? Genuinely curious.
I 'expect' birthday and Christmas gifts as an adult from certain people I'm close to as we enjoy giving and receiving gifts amongst ourselves and have done so for many years. Only on Mumsnet gave I seen so many people 'baffled' by such a social norm...

[BusyNothings]

My step sister has always been like this. Myself and my two brothers have bought her Christmas and birthday presents as long as we've known her. To equal amounts that we bought each other. Same for mum who does all gift shopping for her and my step dad. However in 23 years never has she given any of us so much of a card. Even though she spent every Christmas with us. Her grandma, my step dads mum was also the same. Absolute hell. However over the last few years we have just stopped getting her gifts, going the extra mile for her and step dads mum and something has shifted. It's like they've realised how they've been behaving and are now making an effort. My step sis even bought a beautiful baby grow to put in my mums baby box for me.

Stay polite and friendly but maybe stop putting so much effort it. They might click. And if not then you aren't putting in all that work anymore!

Also DH needs to really think about his role in this!

[ChocolateChangesEverything]

I think that is really mean and I understand why you would feel hurt/left out.

My mother/father/grandmother always made sure my H had presents and birthdays and Christmas - it's rude not to! My MIL was a bitch from hell and would use any opportunity to leave me out.

There is no need for that type of behaviour. Don't go out of your way for them - he may have to use your money to do presents but let him do the organising etc or leave it.

Sorry they have put you in this position.

[leelu66]

OP, if you're broke then your DH needs to tell them that there is no need to buy him presents as he is not currently in a position to give them gifts in return.

It's your DH's problem, not yours. He made bad financial decisions and now should the consequences. Everyone appears to be mollycoddling him.

Does he have nothing to say to his family about their treatment of you? It's not right that a partner stays quiet whilst his wife is made to feel an outsider.

You are supporting your DH and instead of his family supporting you, they are making you feel unwanted.

[seven201]

I think stop giving them presents. My in-law family are far too generous but with lots of crap presents that end up in the charity shop. I am a fussy shopper and save up for posh bedding etc yet every year MIL gives me a set of primark bedding that always ends up in the charity shop. I have to spend more on them for presents than I do on my own family. I wish they would stop giving me presents so I can do the same!

We're expecting our first child and yesterday they turned up with lots of baby crap that we don't have room for or want/need. It included about 10 ugly cuddly toys. I hate clutter. God I'm an ungrateful cow! They mean well so I really should be less of a twat about it but I can't.

Families are stressful things!

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

As is often said on MN, you have a dh pobkem more than an IL one. He is allowing them to exclude you.

I think some people are deliberately obtuse on these types of thread - it's not about adults expecting gifts, it's about being part of a family who do this for each other and deliberately exclude one person. It is hurtful and just plain nasty.

I do agree with pp that you need to stop buting for them and stop your h from being generous with your money. The impression I get is that you and your h have seperate finances so don't feel obligated ro cover his present buying.

I am sad for you. Your ILs sound mean. Time to let your h know how you feel and that you expect him to have your back.