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- to want to move away?

(19 Posts)
Niggit Sun 29-May-16 18:59:34

This is my first post on Mumsnet. My children are grown up (27 and 25) and have left home, and it's now I need some help - I've tried to discuss this with my DH, but we just go round in circles. I think we're too close to the situation.
Our DD lives just a mile up the road from us with her boyfriend of 5 years. She has two lovely dogs, and just recently one of them has started barking during the day. The neighbours weren't too happy about this; I used to go round once a day, give the dogs a cuddle and take them for a nice walk, but now I go to her house before she leaves for work and she drops me and the dogs back home, and they stay with me during the day. She can't bring them to me as they don't behave in the car without somebody to restrain them. They're no problem, and I enjoy having them.
However, having lived in a little terraced house with a microscopic garden for the last 26 years, my DH and I are now hoping to move to a detached property with much more land where at last I can have a vegetable garden, keep some chickens, and get rid of the mortgage so DH can get out of a job he's really not happy in. We'll only be 45 minutes away, but DD is getting worried about who's going to care for the dogs during the day, and the fact that she won't be able to see me whenever she needs to for a chat and a "mum hug".
This whole issue is complicated by the fact that DD suffers from depression, has been suicidal, and I'm terrified that putting this extra stress on her will tip her over the edge. If she had a more supportive partner she could turn to I wouldn't be so worried, but...he's not great. You can't choose their partners for them, I know, you can only be there to help pick up the pieces if/when it goes wrong, but there lies the rub - I'm worried I'll be too far away to help her when she needs support.
I understand that this must be difficult for both of them, as it's their childhood home, but we would like to put ourselves first for once...
In short - help!

CalleighDoodle Sun 29-May-16 19:01:16

you cant put your life on hold . Move.

NapQueen Sun 29-May-16 19:04:27

She sounds incredibly reliant on you. Can you ease back over the next few months and then make a move?

Did she get the dogs on the understanding that you would care for them daily?

NapQueen Sun 29-May-16 19:05:15

I suppose at a push (and if you and dh were amenable to it), she could drop the dogs Monday morning and collect them Friday eve?

mysteriousbat Sun 29-May-16 19:08:10

I can understand why you would feel that way but I think you should just move. If your dd is really struggling she may be able to move closer? In my opinion it is up to her to make a change if the situation doesn't suit, not for you guys to stay where you are to suit her. My parents look after my dd before and after school and I'm sure they would feel a similar obligation to stay. However, if they did move, I would just have to find another solution to childcare. I feel the same applies to her and her dogcare. 45 minutes away isn't too far and I'm sure if desperate times were reached you could drive to her or meet her halfway if the distance was causing an issue.

Monkeypuzzlesandwich Sun 29-May-16 19:09:50

You are in a situation where you are almost held to ransom by your daughter. I don't know what I would do if I were you but at some point you do have to think about your own quality of life as you'll be no help to anyone if you become depressed because of this.

Sparkletastic Sun 29-May-16 19:10:52

Perhaps you should have the dogs OP? Doesn't sound like they should keep them if they can't give them the exercise and care they need.

wobblywonderwoman Sun 29-May-16 19:10:54

Firstly I want to say you sound like a wonderful mum

I feel you have to put your own needs first now and 45 minutes isn't a huge distance. The dog's are her own responsibility.

Niggit Sun 29-May-16 19:12:38

NapQueen, yes, I suppose she is. I guess I've created the problem in a way by always being there for her and helping her out - more than I should have done, but it's because she is - or I see her as - rather fragile, and I've been scared of what will happen if I wind my neck in and start making her sort things out for herself. Or grow up, if you will. I know that's what needs to happen, because move or no move I won't be here for ever, but how to even begin is scary.

Niggit Sun 29-May-16 19:13:53

Meant to say...We'd be quite happy to have the dogs during the week.

RubbleBubble00 Sun 29-May-16 19:17:06

Offer to have the dogs during the wk and reassure her that she could always moved closer to your new home

MurphysChild Sun 29-May-16 19:22:00

Whilst I agree it's your life, I couldn't leave my DD under these circumstances, less bothered about the dogs who potentially could be rehomed.

RandomMess Sun 29-May-16 19:24:27

Perhaps you moving away will be make or break for her and her partner?

CodyKing Sun 29-May-16 19:31:25

Can she not get a dog guard to have them in the back and drop them off? She could pay a dog walker - or 3 nights with you - and dog walker the rest of the week -

Move - you can't be there for her all the time and you won't be that far away

Gide Sun 29-May-16 19:38:05

Offer to have the dogs full stop. Or she could re-home them. Don't put your life on hold or it will be too late to make what sounds like a fabulous move.

CPtart Sun 29-May-16 19:39:30

Mum or not, you're being used. Move now..before grandchildren come along.

fuzzyfozzy Sun 29-May-16 19:45:24

Could she get a dog crate for in the car?

Niggit Sun 29-May-16 19:54:30

Rehoming the dogs is not an option. That really would break her. But there are some great suggestions here that just hadn't occurred to me because I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Janecc Sun 29-May-16 20:07:43

The suggestions have been good. Have the dogs while she works, get a dog crate and move. You'll only be 45 mins away from her. It's not the other side of the country. No you don't choose your children's partners. Perhaps he's just unable more than unwilling to help her emotionally or maybe he fears being her crutch will result in her never getting better.

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