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To be angry with dh

(104 Posts)
ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 09:26:36

Dh gets up with ds1 (21 months old) as I'm up in the night with ds2 (4 months old). Dh slept in the front room last night as he had a friend over and was up late.

This morning I get up at 8:30, go down to the kitchen just next to ds1s bedroom, we live in a flat. I can hear ds1 playing about for a bit and dh was sleeping in his bed.

Whilst making coffee I can hear ds1 getting upset, wanting to have breakfast/nappy change etc, but dh just ignores it. I'm bf ds2 whilst having a coffee so left it for a while. I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries at him back and still not getting up.

Ds1 then starts shouting for me at the gate and becoming more distressed. Dh still not doing anything.

I go to him at the gate, speak with dh and he just says he needs sleep. I tell him ds1 wants to get up and his nappy is dirty and he doesn't do anything.

I pick up ds1 and change his nappy, he now has a sore bum and is now eating his breakfast. Go back to dh and tell him he was cruel and that his sleep will never ever trump ds1s need for care and that he needs to grow up.

This is the second time this has happened now, he was apologetic last time, but when he's tired he's horrible. I'm so angry he doesn't seem to care, the least he could have done was come and get me, give ds1 to me and tell me he was going back to bed rather than leave ds1 for God knows how long. He generally wakes at 6:45 so could have been left for ages.

Aibu to be so angry at him?

NapQueen Sun 29-May-16 09:28:31

I totally get him sorting the elderly while you deal with the night waking of the younger, but as he had a late one last night with a friend round couldn't you just care for them both once you and dc2 were up?

DoreenLethal Sun 29-May-16 09:29:52

And he was mocking his child for wanting his nappy changed?

What a guy.

ChicRock Sun 29-May-16 09:31:10

He is neglectful and abusive to his own child.

Mocking a 21 month old? What a twat.

I'd be more than angry, I honestly think I'd be considering packing his bags for him.

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 09:31:31

Definitely, I would have, if I'd have known to get up for him!

Joolsy Sun 29-May-16 09:31:56

YANBU. He could at least have said to you that he was tired, and would you mind taking over with DS1 for a little while? I could never ignore a crying child especially if it's clear my partner is busy

SmallBee Sun 29-May-16 09:32:18

YANBU, your DH is awful for mocking his child instead of helping him. It sets a terrible example and I bet your DH wouldn't be very impressed if your DS spoke that way to him.
Your DH knew he would be tired, he could of thought ahead and asked you to get DS up, or even given you a shout this morning if he didn't realise how tired he would have been in advance.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 29-May-16 09:32:26

He was being ridiculous but if your having friends over them wouldn't it be sensible to ask you to cover the morning shift as a favour?

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 09:36:10

If he goes out I have the the link in with me so I get up with ds1, but he kept the link in the front room and nothing else was said about it.
In hindsight it would have been the better option for me to get up with him but surely any sensible person could deal with that situation by getting the other parent rather than leaving him?

formerbabe Sun 29-May-16 09:37:09

I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries

This is horrible and would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 29-May-16 09:37:24

He sounds like a bit of a twat to me. YADNBU to be angry with him, his shitty attitude and lack of care for his child has lead to your dc suffering.

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 29-May-16 09:39:45

The mocking and being nasty to a baby is disgraceful. If he was tired he could have changed him and brought him in to you if absolutely necessary.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sun 29-May-16 09:47:05

Assume he's hungover? Wait till tomorrow then give him fucking hell for being such a nasty bastard to his baby son who needed care.

froubylou Sun 29-May-16 09:51:03

Why wait until tomorrow? Give him hell now. This is not acceptable at all. And an adult is old enough to go to bed at a time reasonable enough to be able to parent his 2 very young children the next day.

If this was a mother who stayed up late with a friend then did the same as the dp we would all be outraged.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sun 29-May-16 09:52:43

Because hungover dickheads are even more dickheady than usual and it won't have the necessary effect.

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 10:03:09

He's a different person when he's tired. I'll wait until he's up, had a coffee etc when he's able to think more clearly and then have 'words'.

It broke my heart hearing my son being mocked like that by his dad who he looks up to so much.

I'm so glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable in being so angry. I honestly feel like dragging him out of bed and chucking him outside then mocking him when he shouts to come back inside.

Birdsgottafly Sun 29-May-16 10:05:19

The 'mocking' wasn't great, because your child really needed care.

My GD is going through the 'false cry' stage (at 18 months) and we do the 'false sympathy' and cry back to her, it could be classed as mocking.

OP, why did you not agree, ahead of time, that he was having, a morning off. If it was pre-planned? You were up anyway.

It's difficult for you to do the same, because of the BF, but as that spaces out, just because one of you is up, both of you don't have to be.

When you have children of that age gap, you need to plan and agree ahead of time.

I agree to discuss this when he isn't hung over and although you'll get the advice to go in "all guns blazing", there really is no need for that level of conflict.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 29-May-16 10:06:40

I honestly feel like dragging him out of bed and chucking him outside then mocking him when he shouts to come back inside.

That sounds like a good plan - he sounds like a nasty twat

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 10:07:04

Things are about to get a lot worse. Cleaning up his shit in the front room. There's weed and tobacco crumbs on the coffee table...

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 10:07:34

I'm so fucking angry.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 29-May-16 10:07:54

Deal breaker right there.

leelu66 Sun 29-May-16 10:08:49

I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries

This is cruel, it can't be explained away as the behaviour if a tired man. It sounds like his true self comes out when he is tired.

AugustaFinkNottle Sun 29-May-16 10:09:17

I don't quite follow why he needed to come and get you to deal with the 21 month old. Surely at some point when you heard him getting upset you could have gone to him anyway, given that you were up and about?

ampersandand Sun 29-May-16 10:09:43

Birds please read above post I wrote about getting up with dcs. I know what you're saying, I agree.

Zucker Sun 29-May-16 10:11:03

God there's so many of these utterly useless men threads lately. Is there something in the water?

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