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AIBU to think grandparents are supposed to be nice to their grandchildren

(27 Posts)
Emochild Sat 28-May-16 20:46:24

Ex MIL has niggly little digs at dd every time she sees her

Dd quite sensibly has reduced the amount she sees her -unfortunately the way she's doing that is by reducing contact with her dad but that's another story

Today ex MIL told dd that her hair was really scraggy and needed a good cut
Dd told her she is booked in to get it done on Wednesday, ex MIL continued and told her how much she should could off to get rid of all the dead bits that look awful

AIBU to think you don't speak to your 12 year old grandchild like that!

VioletBam Sun 29-May-16 04:54:49

Tell the stupid woman! Stand up for DD! If her Dad is allowing the lack of contact to happen because he lives with MIL then he needs to find a solutoin.

Don't let DD see MIL. Tell MIL that won't change until she stops being a shitty grandparent.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sun 29-May-16 05:14:24

Tell her not to bother seeing her at all.

What's your DD getting out of it?

Janecc Sun 29-May-16 05:58:12

What was mil like to DD when you and ex were still together? And can you step in to do something? Dd's still in some ways a little girl on an emotional level. So this is tough without you to be there and guide her.

wheresthel1ght Sun 29-May-16 06:05:56

My dads mum was like this to me my whole life (but bloody lovely to my little sister). No one ever called her on it and it has done damage to my relationship with both my parents (who are still together)

Stand up to the woman. No one has the right to say mean things to another person but it is especially cruel when it is a grandparent to their grandchild.

Good on your dd for going to see her less although she needs an adult in her corner too

JeffFromTheDailyMail Sun 29-May-16 06:21:07

My mums mum was like this to my sister, it has a huge effect. Your DD is right to avoid contact

Idliketobeabutterfly Sun 29-May-16 06:26:17

Yanbu. I'd advise her to cut contact instead of avoid as woman sounds toxic.

TheSolitaryBoojum Sun 29-May-16 06:29:18

Why isn't her dad telling his mother that it's not acceptable?

Juanbablo Sun 29-May-16 06:38:20

My dad does this to dd. He thinks the sun shines out of ds1's arse but is always rolling his eyes at dd and criticising her. She's 6!!! I tell him to stop and he does but he starts again next time he comes round. We don't see him very often.

Out2pasture Sun 29-May-16 06:41:38

it certainly doesn't sound like she used a very friendly tone of voice. I don't see anything wrong with discussing grooming per say but it is the kind of thing that should be done tactfully. and since an appointment was booked probably not necessary at all.

Janecc Sun 29-May-16 06:58:42

Mother did this once with me about DD. DD did nothing wrong but apparently my 7 yr old bullied my elder golden child brother aged 46, she wasn't going to turn out well, she didn't like her attitude, threatened to smack her etc. Basically making DD into a scapegoat by proxy (im the family scapegoat). Brother has a big enough gob to shit on me, 6'2", weight trains and must have been about 20 stone at the time. I'm sure mother will remember my reaction for a long time. DD is fab now and she's great at standing up to her. We talk a lot about boundaries and grown ups acting inappropriately and how to protect herself. As I say, she's only 7, I've had lots of counselling and taught DD much. grin

BoboBunnyH0p Sun 29-May-16 07:13:11

My dad's parents were like this basically because I was a girl. GF was a sexist pig I often stood up to him and called him out on his view. GM would often make little digs about weight and general appearance. I too reduced contact as a late teen and barely saw them as an adult.
Luckily my mums parents were brilliant GPs, and therefore highlighted how terrible my dad's parents were.
So yanbu, please speak with exh and let him know what's happening. Exmil needs to be called out on her behavior.

Dozer Sun 29-May-16 07:16:31

I had dysfunctional GPs and limited contact as a result, and this kind of stuff happened, eg comments on my weight.

I would continue to talk to DD about these kinds of behaviours/people, that it's not OK and reflects only on the GP, and her options for handling, including not justifying herself and further reducing contact.

I'd be highlighting the issue to exH, if I thought he might "get it".

RosieandJim89 Sun 29-May-16 07:28:10

My Paternal Gran was like this. I barely speak to her now.

StrictlyMumDancing Sun 29-May-16 07:50:11

Both sets of my GPs were like this.

Maternal GPs play favourites between the GC and me and sister are always out of favour - except I'm withholding their GGC from them apparently. Nothing to do with the fact that they arrive unannounced at my aunts and expect me to show up, I live 2 hours away from my aunt and my eldest is in school hmm.

Paternal GM (not GF to be fair to him, though he allowed it for an easy life) was like this to sister but not me. She claimed she never did this but often got caught out by confusing the two of us and turning on me then claiming she'd said nothing when she realised she had the wrong GC. Straggly hair came up a lot. Ironically my hair is definitely more straggly, my sister's more tame!

I'm watching ILs start to do this now. DH has been told on no uncertain terms I will not tolerate it. If they can't treat my DC equally to each other then there will be very limited contact. Even though their cousin has only recently been born there's been a very limited contact plan in place for when BIL is around since Christmas - even DH saw how our DC were scapegoated in favour of BIL so we both can only imagine what's going to happen now he has DC himself.

But no, YANBU to think GPs should be nice to their GC

Emochild Sun 29-May-16 08:07:38

I've barely spoken to the woman in years -when we split I was made out to be the one at fault I wasn't, it was an abusive relationship and I wasn't the one doing the abusing

Ex MIL is brilliant with young children but seems to think they should stay young children and then magically turn into adults at 18

Dd's dad won't hear a word against his mum and any attempt to discuss it is met with 'she doesn't mean any harm and she's done so much for you over the years so drop it'

She used to do the child care whilst I worked full time and ex played at having a business

Ex doesn't live with his mum but would leave dd at his mums during his contact weekends so he could go out -dd now only sees him alternate Saturday mornings to take the dog out for a walk

Dozer Sun 29-May-16 08:24:31

Eek, you're well out of that then!

Your DD sounds sensible, and to have insight into her dad's behaviour, and making decisions that are best for her, which is great.

cosmicglittergirl Sun 29-May-16 08:28:46

One of my gps would pass comment on my looks quite a bit, especially my hair. It left me feeling really self-conscious. Speak to mil, tell her to put a sock in it.

cosmicglittergirl Sun 29-May-16 08:29:12


Just5minswithDacre Sun 29-May-16 08:38:49

Jane a 7 year old can't enforce boundaries with a GP. Can't you prevent the contact? The best thing a scapegoat can ever do is to gallop off anyway.

Janecc Sun 29-May-16 09:29:42

Just5mins I don't talk in those terms to DD. My mother has the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old so the dynamic of a very mature 7 yr old, (who's nearly 8) actually works well. She listens to my DD in ways she won't listen to me. I say as little as possible to my mother unless strictly necessary as a simple 'yes' can trigger a winge. Your view is that a scapegoat should skip off is one I considered and perhaps in an ideal world I may have chosen to go nc. I am now low contact because mother is a far better gp than she ever was mother and we don't have anyone Dhs side apart from a grandfather in his 80's who lives far away and although very active doesn't show much interest in DD. I'm here now with her in mother's house - she's tried to forbid me from using her pc. Apparently I messed up her Amazon account last time and it took ages to fix (translation I made an order and didn't reset it to her login - which had I asked her, I would have been grilled to the enth degree for prying into her business). I am the root of all evil I can do nothing right whatever I do. Going home tomorrow tic toc tic toc.

VestalVirgin Sun 29-May-16 12:01:10

Dd quite sensibly has reduced the amount she sees her -unfortunately the way she's doing that is by reducing contact with her dad but that's another story

If he was abusive, then I don't see why seeing him less would be unfortunate.
His mother did so much for you by ... taking up his share of childcare? I do not think so. And you don't owe her anything, anyway, if she is mean to your DD.

Your DD sounds like a sensible girl. Let her manage this and make it clear that you support her and won't force her to see the grandmother.

SistersOfPercy Sun 29-May-16 12:12:49

A cautionary tale for you MIL....

She was like this with my DD, even telling her at one point she shouldn't straighten her hair as it made her look like me (one of the many charming comments that led to me being NC, but I digress).
Endless digs of 'don't wear that' and 'That doesn't suit you'. Why don't you do this, why don't you do that, oh are you in a 'strop' etc

DD would tell me this and be upset about it. I spoke to DH, told him to deal with his Mother. He tried. After yet another vicious comment I told him to warn her nicely that she was pushing DD away and if she wasn't careful she'd lose the close relationship they had. Again he tried.

DD is now 18, she's gone from seeing her several times a week to probably a few times a month and rarely spends any length of time with her. As predicted, she pushed her away. I have little sympathy.

Just5minswithDacre Sun 29-May-16 18:41:54

My mother has the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old so the dynamic of a very mature 7 yr old, (who's nearly 8) actually works well.


JayDot500 Sun 29-May-16 18:52:33

My maternal grandmother ignored me most of my life because she was a Jehovah's witnesses and my mum chose to leave (so was disfellowshipped and shunned my mum and any children she had). I remember little ole me saying hi to her and trying to start a conversation with no luck and a frown directed at me by her hmm.

OP your precious DD will be a great woman, no thanks to her. She doesn't need that sort of negativity. My grandmother eventually became better with us after 17 years because she was abandoned by her new husband, lonely, and ill. My mum never was horrible about the whole situation, she reached out to my gran and we started visiting and she was lovely! I hope that your daughter gets a break from this awful woman and her grandmother starts to realise how nasty she has been and tries to rekindle the relationship she self sabotaged.

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