To be uncomfortable about this but not know how to address it?

(61 Posts)
Welshmaenad Sat 28-May-16 12:54:18

ExH and I separated approx 6 months, 2 DC 10 and 6. Both in new relationships. We are getting on well and shared care of the DC going smoothly so far.

My BF spends time with us overnight when the DC are in my care, I discussed this with ExH beforehand and also the DC and we laid down ground rules, one of which was the DC don't walk into my room when BF is here and they've been happy to knock, likewise BF and I do not enter their room without knocking if the door is closed.

ExH has introduced the DC to his new partner who seems very nice and they like her a lot, for the first time she stayed overnight with him last night when the DC were in his care, I have no issues with this.

However when he dropped them with me this morning the DC told me they had had breakfast in Daddy's bed with daddy and GF. It sits really uncomfortably with me, I can't put my finger on why, I just think it's very early days for that kind of cosiness and it's not something I would allow with myself/BF at this stage hence the laying down ground rules about bedroom privacy for everyone in our new house.

I've always very much believed that when the DC are with the other parent you can't micromanage how they parent them and my uneasiness kind of goes against that. I don't think I can say anything to him, I don't think it's worth him getting defensive and affecting the very amicable and relaxed co-parenting setup we currently have, but AIBU to feel a bit twitchy about this or am I overreacting?

AgentProvocateur Sat 28-May-16 12:59:43

I think it's way too early for both of you to be introducing new partners to the children and having then sleep over. I feel sorry for them - mum and dad spilt up six months ago, and already they have new people staying over in both parents' homes.hmm

happypoobum Sat 28-May-16 13:03:12

I agree with agent What's the rush?

Poor kids heads must be spinning.

HandWash Sat 28-May-16 13:06:15

I also think it's very early to be having 'sleepovers' with new partners with children in the house.

So YANBU about the breakfast in bed, but I wouldn't have a partner a hadn't known more than a few months staying overnight with my children full stop.

DubiousCredentials Sat 28-May-16 13:06:22

Having dc of similar ages I am shock at this scenario all round. Six months?!

pigsDOfly Sat 28-May-16 13:07:35

You probably feel twitchy about it because both relationships are far too new and the children far too young to have met the new girl friend and boy friend.

What happens if these relationships end and you both meet new people, are they going to become part of your DCs' lives straight away in the same way?

icouldabeenacontender Sat 28-May-16 13:07:57

I'm inclined to agree with Agent.
You've already set up new systems with your bf, (ie) the knocking on the door thing which I presume didn't happen before when you were with exh?
This is just another new thing, you might be uncomfortable with it but I think you'll have to live with it because of the speed at which you have both moved on.

pigsDOfly Sat 28-May-16 13:08:08

X post with everyone else.

gingergenie Sat 28-May-16 13:08:50

What exactly is making you twitchy? Because they were in the bedroom? Are you worried someone was naked?
Perhaps is it the thought of your exH and his girlfriend being intimate, and the thought of your DCs being aware of that? Presumably they were just sitting with your DCs and chatting whilst having breakfast, (i.e. There is no reason for you to think they would have behaved inappropriately? I think it can be a bit weird to be confronted with the thought if your ex being intimate with another woman, even if the split was amicable and mutually agreed (I certainly found it so), but your separation sounds very well-managed and I wonder if it's just a question of mentally adjusting to the GFs position in your exH's and DCs life. I don't think there should be anything to worry about. You trust your exH and there I no issues that would concern you OP?

WorraLiberty Sat 28-May-16 13:11:22

I think breakfast in bed is the least of the issues here.

You've only been separated 6 months and you've both already introduced new partners, into your kid's homes?

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 28-May-16 13:15:57

Agree with everyone. You split six months ago, this is all way too soon for your DC.

witsender Sat 28-May-16 13:17:35

Did they have to knock when you were on your own? Or with DH? Way too many changes on too short a time.

Welshmaenad Sat 28-May-16 13:19:00

Yes, it's not an approach everyone would take and I'm aware of that, but it's working for us and the DC are happy.

BF and I were friends before we entered a relationship and the DC already knew him, they're comfortable with him, and are happy when he's staying with us. They moan when he's not there. Based on that I can't really have issues with Ex's GF staying, and TBH I don't anyway, she's a mum herself and seems very good with the DC.

Can't honestly put my finger on why I feel weird about it! It's not jealousy, I have no concerns about them being inappropriate, I trust DH implicitly and know he would manage it appropriately. Can't explain it, which is why I can't reasonably approach ExH about it.

JuxtapositionRecords Sat 28-May-16 13:21:00

It's on either end of the scale - kids can't enter the bedroom without knocking at yours (which personally I find really sad) but can cozy up with dad and new girlfriend they have met once in bed.

To be honest your knocking rule sounds worse than your ex-dh's scenario.

If you split time with them why does anyone have to sleep at anyone else's house? Just have new boyfriend/girlfriend over when the kids are at the other persons house.

Hodooooooooor Sat 28-May-16 13:22:45

Its not your business what they do in their own home.

6m and both parents have new partners sleeping over. Poor kids.

Wetbankhols Sat 28-May-16 13:25:32

Sorry but I agree with others.

The children are 'happy' because it's been presented to them as the norm.

summerdreams Sat 28-May-16 13:25:43

I agree with what other people say it's way too soon for both of you. Although yanbu it's double standards of what your aloud to do and your ex is aloud to do.

gingergenie Sat 28-May-16 13:26:02

i don't doubt that you're not jealous -( I wasn't either and I was happy when exH found a gf) but I felt a bit weird about similar stuff. I put mine down to feel a bit guilty that I'd put my dc in the position of having a new 'mother figure' in their lives, when it should just have been me and their dad (in an ideal world obvs). As long as you trust your exH and your children are happy and comfortable with the arrangements, then just sit with it a while - sometimes our true feelings need a while to surface X

firesidechat Sat 28-May-16 13:28:58

It's far too fast and the least you could have done was give your children a chance to adapt. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but the happiness and security of children should be a very high priority when parents split up.

BeauGlacons Sat 28-May-16 13:29:45

juxtaposition has it spot on:

If you split time with them why does anyone have to sleep at anyone else's house? Just have new boyfriend/girlfriend over when the kids are at the other persons house.

Welshmaenad Sat 28-May-16 13:29:56

I think that might be close to the mark ginger - I was genuinely happy when he met her and clicked because we hadn't been happy for a long time but he was in denial about it and it was me that left.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 28-May-16 13:30:40

Is it that dad asked or facilitated somehow an agreement with you that you wouldn't do something and obviously you accepted this agreement and complied with it.

Yet he is not willing to facilitate the same criteria and condition that he expects of you and your BF when the children are in his house with him and his GF?

newtscamander Sat 28-May-16 13:32:03

I'm assuming she wasn't naked and had just slid off your ex. She probably was fully clothed, so what's the difference to sitting on the bed with them as opposed to sitting on a sofa?

crazymammy Sat 28-May-16 13:33:49

YANBU
My ex and I split up almost 2 years ago. He has been living with his parents and I know his GF stays there often too. There was a morning when DD came home and told me GF had stayed over. My concern was that, because EX was living with his parents DD was sharing his bed when she stayed, so the GF had shared the bed with them also. That was immediately a No Go for me. He hadn't been with her long enough for that to happen. Difference is, my DD wasn't comfortable with new GF anyway.
I spoke with my EX about it and explained I wasn't at all happy with the situation. He listened and it hasn't happened since.
Can you talk to your ex about it? Just advise that you aren't really comfortable with it, explain that it's his decision to make but ultimately it's about doing what's best for the LOs.

As for people judging you about introducing kids to your new partner after 6 months, pffft it's your decision. Not one I'd make, but then everybody is different and everyone's LO's are different.
You know your kids better than anyone, some adapt extremely quickly to a new situation, others don't.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 28-May-16 13:34:39

I would be naked if I had breakfast in bed and I wouldn't be sat on my bed I would be in it.

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