to wonder why no-one can be arsed with me?(12 Posts)
It just seems like no-one can be arsed with me and I don't really know why.
I have a good few "friends" one of whom lives too far away to see very often but we speak every day. The rest live fairly close by but just don't seem to want to spend time with me.
Whenever I try to get in touch to meet up I am either ignored or fobbed off. In my twenties and I'm the only one with a child but never expect friends to to child friendly things- I actually prefer to meet up without DS so that I can relax a bit and not have to interrupt a catch up trying to keep him happy. Some friends live an hours drive away and I'm always happy to travel to them as they are in a big town woth lots to do whereas I live really out of the way.
One of my closest friends is happy to text back and forth regularly but is quite vague or ignores me if I want to meet. Last time I saw her was actually because I wanted my hair done and she is a hairdresser. She point blank refused to let me pay her for this so I said I would take her for a nice lunch or some drinks to say thanks but she has never taken me up on it. We have been friends for a really long time and she is busy with boyfriend, work and other commitments but as I said I am able to be really flexible so I dont think its that.
I am an intelligent, funny and kind person, quite happy to go with the flow and suit others in terms of activity etc so its not like im insisting on afternoon tea whilst friends want to go and get hammered. My son is 7 and this seems to be fairly recent so its not just because ive had a child either- in fact when I first had him my friends were brilliant with us and enthusiastic about me bringing him to lunch, coffee etc- at their insistance, not mine!
I don't understand where Im going wrong and its making me quite sad. I miss my friends and having people to be myself with instead of just a mum.
Relationships do naturally ebb and flow, have you made many 'mum friends' from school? It might be that some of them have got more stressful jobs than 7 years ago and are working longer hours? You could ask lightly 'is everything OK? Haven't seen you in ages!'
People get lazy, especially when you are often the one doing the getting in touch, and too into their own routine if they have work, partners etc. It's likely you haven't done anything, it's just got like that.
As pp said, you could ask but that might make things awkward, make them feel obliged to see you. How about organising a summer get together individually or in a group. If it doesn't work out, maybe focus on other people for a while.
You do sound like a lovely person, so I doubt it's anything about you, OP.
I've no advice except that your friends may be going through some things. I know I become very introverted when dealing with stressful situations.
I think you need to issue a formal invitation to see what the response is. Coukd you perhaps have some friends over for dinner, whilst your DS stays at your mum's or someone else's place?
If they decline a specific invite, then maybe you'll know something has changed and they may have sadly moved on from the friendship.
Alternatively, you could just ask them something like 'It makes me sad that we rarely see eachother anymore. Is it something I've said or done? I would really like us to maintain the close friendship we always had' and see what the response is.
I've asked one of them and he just stopped talking to me- we have been friends for 15 years and would occassionally meet up then I'd get radio silence for weeks on end, including him ignoring messages from me.
I realise this makes me sound needy, I promise I am not texting them every other day demanding they spend time with me!
Its also not just that its one group that have decided not to bother with me- generally my friends are sort of scattered in different circles rather than one big friendship group iyswim?
ZigZag I have a couple of "mum" friends but we have absolutely nothing in common. We are friends because our children are friends at a small school, we go for lunch or have a coffee some mornings which is nice, but apart from the fact our children go to the same school there's nothing that would bring us together at all.
How old are you?
I am asking because I wonder if they have just got to the point where they are busy with other things or to the age where they can't be arsed going out.
Thinking about it logically, either you have done something that's put them all off you (sounds unlikely) or they are all just very busy.
I suppose it could be that they all feel that they have changed quite a bit and have made other friends that they get on better with. That's not a reflection on you.
Is it possible for you to make new friends? Have they simply made other new friends they feel closer too. Though the one stopping speaking to you is odd.
Not all friendship stay the same. We can be closer with some people at some points in our lives. But that can wane with age and the fact that we are meeting new people.
I'm 28, friends are all around the same age give or take a year- none are married or have children and still have quite an active social life from what I can see on facebook.
I'm at college myself but haven't really made any proper friends despite being there for nearly a year- I have a small group who I chat to when I'm there but that's all.
I understand people move on, stop wanting to go out, make new friends etc but it really does just seem to be me- its maybe about 6 or 7 friends all from different groups?
Your only option is to be very direct and ask.. Would you say you're good or poor at reading people? Could it be that you're actually clinging to friendships which have petered out and you've missed the signs? You can't always rely on having known someone for a long time as an indicator for how solid a friendship is.
Maybe it's just coincidence that everyone is really busy/tied up etc. I'm terrible at staying in touch with the people that I care out. It probably looks like I'm aloof or don't care but I'm just so busy and wrapped with running a business and raising a child that I forget about the friends I love for long stretches.
Either way you'll need to find a way to ask, making it clear that you can accept the truth.
I think it probably is that they are busy, and have got busier in the years since you became a mum. I'm mod 30's, single, no kids. Years ago, I was just starting in my career and would come home at 5 and be happy to go out with friends in the evenings. Now I'm in a much more senior role, don't get home till 7 and just can't be bothered to go out most evenings. You sound like a really nice friend, and it doesn't sound like its anything personal
When I'm very busy, I generally just don't feel like making plans or having to be sociable. I much prefer to use what little spare time I have to just relax in a bubble at home with DH and the DCs. So, even if someone else is very flexible, it doesn't necessarily mean I would be able to meet up. It's unlikely to be you, but possibly just this. I've been in your shoes too though when the DCs were little and I had lots of time and felt very isolated and I know it isn't easy. But it's probably not personal.
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