To expect him to make an effort?

(10 Posts)
viviennewestood Fri 27-May-16 19:55:02

My ex and I are/were thinking of giving things another go with our relationship. We broke up mainly due to my postnatal anxiety. We agreed that we need to change some aspects of our personalities to be able to work - I need to control my moods and how I behave when I'm feeling low. He's said that he's emotionally stunted and can't show emotion and uses the excuse that 'he's a man' and men aren't like women. I've said that I need to feel loved and wanted by him and he said he's not willing to change who he is just to prove he loves me and I either take it or leave it. Just just can't help feeling that I deserve a bit more than that?! It's so upsetting because I want it to work.

PPie10 Fri 27-May-16 19:56:33

Yabu, he is telling you exactly who he is. Why would you want to change him and go through another disappointment with him?

viviennewestood Fri 27-May-16 20:00:53

Because I think our dd would have a much better life with us together and happy like I know we could be

Junosmum Fri 27-May-16 20:07:30

Except you couldn't be, because he isn't willing to change.

Your DD will be much better off with parents who are happy, regardless of whether that's together or separated.

Kidnapped Fri 27-May-16 20:12:22

What was he like at the beginning of the relationship?

Was he affectionate, told you he loved you?

Have you asked him whether he thinks he is emotionally stunted with his daughter?

HootyMc0wlFace Fri 27-May-16 20:18:14

I know you are upset right now, but read your OP again.

You broke up because of postnatal anxiety?? What kind of man leaves the mother of his child when she is made so vulnerable by something she can't control?

Secondly, you can't just change aspects of your personality. People don't tend to change.

He isn't even willing to put an effort in, just like he wasn't willing to make an effort when you had a new baby and lots of anxiety. This isn't a man who will make you happy. This is a man who will damage your child because he "can't" show love.

Let it go.

viviennewestood Fri 27-May-16 20:22:32

The beginning of our relationship coincided with my mum dying so I'm starting to think that that wasn't the real him. He would have done anything for me back then but I think he was scared of losing me because I was his first relationship. I was vulnerable and grieving and he was there for me. Now he seems so cold and weird but says I'll never be happy anyway so what's the point in trying.

GingerIvy Fri 27-May-16 20:33:17

Let's review. He wants you to change, but he's not willing to change.

Dump and run. Do NOT get back together. You won't be happy, and neither will your child.

BillBrysonsBeard Fri 27-May-16 20:57:07

Don't believe his bollocks OP, I've known plenty of men who are very affectionate and aren't afraid to express their feelings. Yes in public they might be the stoic man but with their partners they are soft as anything. You deserve much better because he's not going to change, he clearly doesn't think it's worth the effort.

flappingbingowings Fri 27-May-16 21:04:53

Swings and roundabouts. He's probably on mansnet complaining that his estranged partner is moody.

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