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AIBU?

"We need you to stay mentally well because you are a mum".

99 replies

mrgrouper · 27/05/2016 10:09

That is what the practice nurse said to me. My response was "you should want all your patients to stay well, irrespective of whether they are parents". Perhaps I am getting offended at nothing, but the comment just annoyed me. Is the only reason I get treatment because of my son?

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deVelvet · 27/05/2016 10:20

Yes, you are getting offended at nothing.

You are a mum, I presume - so the nurse is perhaps personalising her statement to suit you?

If you were a pigeon fancier, then perhaps she would say you need to be well for your flying rats pigeons?

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nocoffeenouppee · 27/05/2016 10:23

Increasingly I'm starting to think it might be better if all hcp a behaved like automatons in order to avoid offending people (I've just read the podiatrist thread).

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Shallishanti · 27/05/2016 10:24

there may be more to it though, round here women with a child under 1 year have prioritised access to MH services, rightly so IMO, as poor MH in a mother impacts the child. Of course anyone's health and well being is important for their own sake as well. But because of the crap situation in this country scarce resources are being rationed.

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Wolfiefan · 27/05/2016 10:24

Maybe they were trying to convince you to try treatment?

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flanjabelle · 27/05/2016 10:25

I would take that as a comment on the importance of supporting you in your role as a mother. I think it was a good thing to say and was personalised to your situation. Stop trying to find something to be upset about.

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curren · 27/05/2016 10:26

She didn't say 'we only want parents to stay well'.

I am sorry you are ill but Yabu.

She said we need you stay well because you are a mum. That's fairly accurate.

Your response of 'you should want all you patients to stay well' does really make sense. She never mentioned what she wants.

As op said, it's a way of personalising.

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OfficiallyUnofficial · 27/05/2016 10:27

I think she was being kind and supportive you are reading WAY too much into it and were bloody rude

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Nothavingfunrightnow · 27/05/2016 10:27

The HCP was being chatty, kind and supportive. You overreacted, I think.

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whois · 27/05/2016 10:27

Stop trying to find something to be upset about.

Exactly.

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AyeAmarok · 27/05/2016 10:28

Yes you're overreacting and inventing reasons to be offended.

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ladypete · 27/05/2016 10:28

No, I see what you mean OP. You should get treatment and care because you are a human who is entitled to it, not because you are/arent a mum. It's almost like putting your mother status first.

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HazelBite · 27/05/2016 10:29

I was very pleased OP when I was offered a free flu jab when I had 4 dcs under 6 at the GP's, the comment was "it wouldn't do if you got ill would it".

And they were right there was a flu epidemic that year DH and all the dc's got it but I didn't

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pilates · 27/05/2016 10:29

YABU
Nothing wrong with what she said to you.

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TheWordOfBagheera · 27/05/2016 10:32

I think you're being a bit oversensitive, but it can be frustrating when it feels as if your identity is reduced to nothing more than 'parent of x'.

So it's not that your health only matters because you're someone's parent, but that it matters twice as much because you're a parent. Especially if you're his main caregiver, as you being ill = two people to care for.

Hope you are well and this was just a hypothetical conversation

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DailyFaily · 27/05/2016 10:34

I'm sure the practice nurse does want everyone to stay well but there are added implications of illness for someone who has dependants (of any age). I think that's okay to say; I'd go so far as to say it is a caring response that acknowledges you as a person with a life and responsibilities, rather than just as an illness. I'm sure he/she doesn't tell child free patients that their mental health is less important than yours.

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srslylikeomg · 27/05/2016 10:36

Yes a complete overreaction - and a rude response. I'm sorry you're not well though :(

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TheVermiciousKnid · 27/05/2016 10:36

I agree with ladypete - what is problematic about what she said is that you need treatment for your own sake, because you matter as who you are, not just as a mother. Of course maternal mental health is particularly important because it can affect the baby etc - but you matter as well. Saying something like this to somebody who is maybe feeling a bit down/depressed/anxious or generally struggling with a change in sense of identify that can come with the transition to parenthood is not really very helpful. It undervalues you - you as a person are important. All to often new mothers have a sense of not mattering anymore, of not being important and a health professional saying that might increase that.

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Lunar1 · 27/05/2016 10:37

I think we need to stop talking to our patients, too much of a minefield!

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mrgrouper · 27/05/2016 10:38

I am well and have been on treatment for years. She was just warning me about coming off medication which is totally unnecessary as I have complied with meds for years.

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corythatwas · 27/05/2016 10:48

This was not about refusing you treatment though, was it? This was about pointing out that if you did something potentially risky it would not just affect you. Have been warned in similar ways under similar circumstances. Was not offended. Saw their point. Might have taken risks with my own health, but not with my ability to care for dc.

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PPie10 · 27/05/2016 10:50

Goodness even breathing today causes offenses to some people. You are being silly and overthinking it. Just so unnecessary.

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mrgrouper · 27/05/2016 10:58

I guess it just made me feel like I do not exist as a human being. It is really weird to explain. Perhaps it is just my Asperger's. I do have a bad habit of taking things the wrong way and misinterpreting stuff.

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wotoodoo · 27/05/2016 10:59

there is a world of difference between being a mum and a good mum so anything that might impact on that ability to be a good mum should be taken seriously.

My mum had undiagnosed mental heath issues and was too mean, moody and selfish to be a good mum/look after anyone. She didn't think her poor mental health was anyone else's business and so we all suffered as much as, if not more than she did.

These things are unquantifiable anyway. We grew up walking on eggshells around her and thought that was normal.

I would say what that practice nurse said was really important and your sensitivity towards her remark might have touched upon a raw nerve of yours perhaps?

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chipmonkey · 27/05/2016 11:01

The poor nurse! Are you that rude to everyone?

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Pseudo341 · 27/05/2016 11:09

Much as I think I'm wonderful, I'm well aware that my role as a mother to two young children is the most important thing I do. They need me. It doesn't make me any less of a person, it just means that I have people depending on me so I'm careful with my health. I have a chronic disabling condition so it's something I think about daily, how I can best enable myself to look after my kids. Anything else is secondary.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of yourself, and yes your Asperger's is probably something to do with you overreacting. We all say the wrong thing sometimes, don't dwell on it, focus on getting better.