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AIBU?

More of a WWYD? 13 year olds drinking at a party

30 replies

PotterBot · 27/05/2016 08:12

I check my 13 year olds sons phone messages and Instagram account. The reason I do this is because I found out that he had been trying to access porn. So I keep an eye on it more closely than I had in the past.

There was a group chat on Instagram that about six 13 year old boys and girls were discussing a party that went on. My ds wasn't at the party but these kids were.

Basically it went along the lines of they all got drunk, the girl whose party it was her mum was there so must have known there were drunk kids in her house as stuff got smashed and there was throwing up. Another boy touched another boys 'dick' (there words not mine).

I don't know how much of this was just peacocking (the yeah I had six beers type of peacocking).

As ds was there I know it's not any of my business but I'm really good friends with one of the mum's whose Dd was there and was apparently drinking vodka.

Im really torn as to whether to say something. What do I do?

OP posts:

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AlbertHerbertHawkins · 27/05/2016 08:20

Do nothing, keep out of it. You don't know the facts and your ds was not present.

LouBlue1507 · 27/05/2016 08:44

Agree with above... IMO YBU to be checking your son's phone! How long do you intend on doing that for?

ALaughAMinute · 27/05/2016 08:59

All you can do is warn your son about the dangers of drinking (which I'm sure you already have) that's all you can do.

I remember when my son went to a party when he was about the same age and two of his friends got so pissed that they had to be taken to hospital. Thankfully I gave my son a lecture before he went so I don't think he drank much but unfortunately he got pissed at a party when he was 17 and threw up in his best friend's mums car. All very embarrassing but sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

PotterBot · 27/05/2016 09:04

I hadn't looked at his phone ever then I borrowed it a few weeks ago to look something up and he had been trying to access porn on the Internet and through Instagram. I thought people checked their dc phones!

OP posts:

LouBlue1507 · 27/05/2016 09:06

I don't want to sound patronising here but your son is 13, if he wants to watch porn, he'll find it... IMO instead of trying to police him, educate him...

claraschu · 27/05/2016 09:08

Definitely keep checking up on him, and warn him the internet is never completely private. I wish I had checked up on my teens more than I did.

If I knew the other mums well, and knew they were reasonable people, I might talk it over with them. I might just suggest that I have had hints they might be drinking and find out how the other parents feel. I think it is good to talk about these things...

curren · 27/05/2016 09:09

I don't think you are wrong to omit or your child's phone, personally.

However you are going to need to learn to not get involved in a lot of things. You have no idea of any of this even happened. Your son wasn't there. Keep out of it.

CaptainCrunch · 27/05/2016 09:09

Teenagers have been acting like this for eons. My peers certainly did, the only difference being there was no internet to boast on and our parents were oblivious.

Stop spying on your ds and keep your nose out of his school friends social lives.

HazelBite · 27/05/2016 09:12

Keep out of it!

Ragwort · 27/05/2016 09:22

I would use it as an opportunity to remind your DS about the dangers of (excessive) drinking - most teenagers will have a few drinks but just make sure he knows 'sensible' limits (even if he ignores them ).

I don't think there is anything wrong in checking your child's phone I would if I could work out how to - they are not 'adults' leading independent lives, as parents we are responsible for our young teenagers.

thedogstinks · 27/05/2016 09:25

Of course I'd tell the mum. I'd expect the same in return if she were a good friend.

PotterBot · 27/05/2016 09:29

I know I did this myself I remember my friend getting trashed and throwing up in a friends bedroom.

I have had the 'porn' talk with my ds as well. I was obviously quite naive as he shows no interest in girls at all and still
Doesn't.

OP posts:

123beanie · 27/05/2016 09:31

If I were you I'd keep out of it. Your DS wasn't involved, and there's a fair chance that the comments made were a bit exaggerated anyway.

superwormissuperstrong · 27/05/2016 09:40

I can't believe people are having a go at you for checking your sons internet usage. So many other threads about doing this so that you know what's going on in their lives as its so different to what was out there when we were that age. Yes he's 13 but doesn't have the experience or maturity to be left completely to his own devices...
Anyway I would probably continue to talk to your son about alcohol and parties and peer pressure. Unless I particularly knew the other parents well though I wouldn't be getting involved with telling them...
And yes even with those chats I would expect that one day he is going to get it wrong and get too drunk, but that doesn't mean I won't discuss these specific issues with him ahead of that happening.

corythatwas · 27/05/2016 09:42

Once they get to a certain age it becomes about your ability to influence your individual child rather than influence the environment he lives in.

Keep your ear to the ground, if you suspect that a certain party is going to be too much for him to handle at 13, don't let him go. Personally, and going from my own experiences in the 70s, I would always assume there will be alcohol at a party involving teens, so any decisions I took on whether mine attended would be made with that in mind.

If he does go, make sure that you have not only discussed the dangers, but made your expectations clear and (most important!) discussed various ways of making it easy for him to stay safe, anything from tactful ways of getting out of drinking to a way of getting himself picked up immediately without loss of face.

Make sure he knows that he can always ring you if a situation is getting out of hand, and that you would always rather know and be there for him than have your feelings spared. One of our proudest parenting moments was when dd, I think at 14, rang her dad and asked him to pick a friend up because she (the friend) had had too much and needed to get home safely. Dd knew our expectations of her perfectly well, but she also knew that we would deal with any emergency.

WannaBe · 27/05/2016 09:45

Nothing wrong with checking your son's phone. Online bullying is a real and prevalent issue as is MH issues among teens many of which are rooted in their access to the Internet and social media.

As parents it is our job to guide our teens to be safe but also to be aware and help them when they get it wrong, which they do at this age. Access to a smart phone and social media is a privilege not a right. They're thirteen, not adults.

That being said there is a difference between being aware of your own child's use of e.g. Porn and inappropriate use of the Internet and getting involved in what goes on with other friends.

The reality is that teenagers will do things that parents don't approve of. We all did. Given your own child wasn't involved you should stay out of it.

ElspethFlashman · 27/05/2016 09:46

People who say you are BU about checking his phone are very naive. The worst bullying will come through texts or social media. FFS. It's responsible parenting.

If you're really good friends with one of the mums whose kids were drinking at 13 I think it's just being a good friend to tell her, but stress that it's hearsay. And recommend she check her daughters phone!

CloneMeNow · 27/05/2016 09:47

Of course it's okay to check a 13yo's phone! Can't believe anyone thinks it isn't. I would let my DC know that it's something I'll do every so often.

frumplstilskin · 27/05/2016 09:48

YANBU to check your phone and yes, 13 year olds have been getting pissed in this country for ages. I have noticed it doesn't stop as teenagers though and it has got a fucking horrible problem with binge drinking. It's not exactly a good thing A 13 year old doesn't need to be pissed to have a social life
I would mention it to parents that I knew personally.

frumplstilskin · 27/05/2016 09:49

*YANBU to check your son's phone

*and this country has a problem with binge drinking

gandalf456 · 27/05/2016 09:57

Wow. I can't believe certain responses either. I was drinking at 13 but I certainly wouldn't want either of mine doing that. My DD is 12 so only a year off. She is far too young and, even if she weren't drinking, I'd be far from impressed if any of her friends were.

As to tell on the parents? I don't know. If it were someone I knew, I probably would. I'd like to think they'd tell me. Re strangers, I am not so sure. There are parents out there who are very different from me and I don't know how this news would be received. Some might even think it's OK.

I wouldn't even know how to contact some of them because it's not like primary where you see your children's friends' parents at the school gates and even have their phone number.

The school might be somewhere to start. I'm also a member of a Mum's social media group. I might even mention it there that there's drinking going on without naming names.

Greenyogagirl · 27/05/2016 20:14

I can't believe people are saying he's a teenager leave him to it. He's a child for goodness sake! I think you're a good mum to keep an eye on his phone, if you have a close relationship can you talk to him about young teens binge drinking (say you read a post on mumsnet that concerned you) and ask if he has/his friends do? I would 100% tell the mum, I'd want to know! Whether it's exaggerating or not it's not good! Just ask mum not to let on its you that told her.

AngieBolen · 27/05/2016 20:27

I would guess your friend Already knows her DD was drinking at the party and would drop in to conversation that you heard there was drinking at that party.

If this were my son I would be checking his phone regularly until he's 16. 13 is young to be drinking at parties and I wouldn't be letting my DC party or sleepover at that house any time soon.

Clandestino · 27/05/2016 20:38

At 13 you are perfectly right to check his phone and internet history. Don't let the naive people tell you all's fine, this is not 20 years ago and bullying through social media, abuse and grooming through false identities is rampant.

Kenduskeag · 27/05/2016 21:00

I'm not sure why the advice, when you're worried children are at risk from harm, suddenly switches from "You should report it, it takes a village and we all need to keep an eye out for neglect!" to "Keep your nose out, kids will be kids" as soon as, what, they hit 13? 13 is still very young. Too young to be vomiting up vodka given to you by the responsible adult, too young to be touching the genitals of others. One complaint in that area could lead to severe criminal consequences. What are the legalities of giving vodka to children, and children who aren't your own? Is it illegal to do so? It certainly isn't safe parenting.

They're too young to be being treated like mini-adults by those who are supposed to care for them. Great, 13, magical age to throw them vodka and see if someone sticks a hand down another's pants. Really healthy attitude.

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