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To contemplate bailing out of this wedding?

(61 Posts)
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Fri 27-May-16 00:26:15

Due to go to a friend's wedding a week on Saturday. It is elsewhere in Europe, and I'm meant to be going with a group of other old friends from uni, flying out on the Saturday morning and returning on Monday night. We've booked an apartment, flights, all paid for. Bride is expecting me, obviously. DH and DS (nearly 2) were invited but are not coming because of cost. I was really looking forward to it but am now getting cold feet for the following (admittedly crap) reasons:

1) DS still breastfeeds at night - I've never been away from him for even one night before. I don't know how he'll cope. DH is a brilliant dad who does loads with him, but is not used to dealing with him at night as he's a shift worker and often just isn't here. I worry I'm condemning them to three days of misery. Moreover, I don't know if I'm going to spend three days miserable with rock-hard boobs. When I booked I thought this would not be a problem as he was self-weaning and barely feeding but...

2) ...he now has a nasty chest infection. So not only is he ill, miserable and wants to be cuddled by me ALL THE TIME and won't even go to DH if the choice is there, but his feeding has increased massively. I'm assuming he'll be better by next weekend but what if he isn't? And even if he is it's likely to be a while before he's fully himself and back in routine.

3) I have nothing to wear. Like nothing. I am not exaggerating or being lame - I have been kondo-ing, and got rid of all my clothes that didn't 'spark joy.' Unfortunately, that was all of them bar a few things for work and a vast selection of leggings, hoodies and colourful socks. I have no smart trousers, and the three dresses I still possess are my wedding dress, a maternity sun-dress two sizes too big, and a a very fancy ball dress that may or may not zip up. The obvious answer would be to buy something new but...

4)...a couple of weeks ago my car unexpectedly failed its MOT. Cost nearly £400 to fix and we are now even more utterly skint than usual. I also have literally no idea when to find the time to buy something as this entire weekend I am working/ going on my DM's birthday outing/ looking after poorly DS while DH works. I'm then at a hospital placement for the course I'm currently doing all next week. Then our flight is at 7 on Saturday morning and the wedding is at 2.

5) I have end of year exams in five weeks. I am also doing A level marking as of this Thursday coming. I am incredibly stressed and sort of just want to hunker down and hide at home, revise, work, cuddle DS. When I booked I thought it would be a nice break in the middle of revision but everything else has kind of crept up on me. Shit planning, I know.

6) My mental health has not been great for the past few months. I've been on antidepressants since January, and this was all booked in the first flush of optimism and enthusiasm when I started feeling a bit better. I worry that it's all too much though, I'm feeling a bit shaky again, and apart from anything that I'll be crap company.

Anyway, after that essay: WIBU to get 'food poisoning', or DS's chest infection, towards the end of this week and very sadly have to miss it? If it makes a difference though I like the bride very much I have only seen her a couple of times in the last few years - I suspect I was invited as part of a larger group rather than because she specifically wants me, or would miss me if I wasn't there if that makes sense. Would obviously send card and present and letter of apology. I know they'll be out of pocket but hopefully not a huge amount.

I suspect IABU, but I just feel so crap about the whole thing and am panicking that I'm going to be miserable the whole time and wishing I hadn't gone.

I feel like such a twat chocolate

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Fri 27-May-16 00:27:01

And obviously am confirming my twattishness by being up posting this at half past midnight rather than doing something useful like sleeping. Argh.

AddToBasket Fri 27-May-16 00:29:56

YABU- only because you will not regret it if you do go. I know and sympathise with those cold feet, though. But, seriously, make the effort and see your old friends.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 27-May-16 00:33:40

YABU OP, because you sound as though you could do with a weekend of fun with your friends.smile

2nds Fri 27-May-16 00:35:10

It seems that you really do not want to go and honestly people with young kids shouldn't feel pressured into dropping everything to attend some do or other that's not even in the same country. I'd explain to the bride that I can't leave my child and just apologise and leave it at that. I wouldnt give a toss what she or anyone else thought.

Iflyaway Fri 27-May-16 00:37:16

Well, you've given 6 good reasons not to go. And then this: I have only seen her a couple of times in the last few years - I suspect I was invited as part of a larger group

Why on earth go off to Europe for a wedding of someone you hardly see when you are still breastfeeding, stressed out already and got exams coming up. It's madness!

Mummyme1987 Fri 27-May-16 00:43:58

Relax, you obviously don't think you should go, so don't. It isn't worth your mh.

FlowerOfTheWest Fri 27-May-16 00:45:07

YANBU at all. Cut yourself a bit of slack and stay at home. flowers

Mummyme1987 Fri 27-May-16 00:46:01

I don't mean that in a patronising way but it is causing you stress so let it go. Your mh will suffer if you continue. Is it worth it for a bride you hardly see?

onehappymummy Fri 27-May-16 00:47:53

I totally understand how you feel. The problem being, ofc, is that you have already paid for it. For me, that would make me go and try to enjoy the break (but take a breastpump). Your son will be fine. My husband wasn't used to putting my daughter to bed, then at 2 yrs and 9 months we decided it was time to stop BF (I wanted to get pregnant again and I think it was stopping me), he started putting her to bed, with a story and a chat and she didn't even notice I wasn't there.

However.... I totally understand why it would be too much stress and YANBU to back out if you just can't face it. I just wouldn't want you to do so because of your son who may very well be just fine - just like my daughter was. You could do a test run to reassure you, go out before bedtime (for a walk, whatever) and let your DH do the whole routine - just don't be too disappointed when he happily goes to sleep! It was strange how disappointed I was when my DD didn't need me for that anymore.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Fri 27-May-16 00:48:02

I wanted to go because we were good friends at university, and mostly because I thought it would be a lovely weekend catching up with the others. We're spread all over now and the last time I saw a few of them was at my own wedding last year. The wedding is in Europe because she's half-French but lives in Texas and her fiancée is from Eastern Europe and I think currently lives in Germany. They're not just being divas dragging us off to a destination wedding - wherever they picked people were going to have to travel.

I want to argue with all of you so I am clearly conflicted grin. I think this will make more sense with sleep...

ChocolateChangesEverything Fri 27-May-16 00:49:46

Listen to your gut. Don't go.

BillSykesDog Fri 27-May-16 00:50:22

I think it would be really rude to drop out this late with a bit of a feeble excuse.

Get a summer dress and cardigan from Primark. Revise in the airport and on the plane.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Fri 27-May-16 00:57:02

Yeah I agree it would be rude. That's sort of heading my list of reasons to go, which also includes - it would be nice to catch up with people, - it might actually end up being fun, - I really could do with the break (though whether it will end up being a break or just a worry-fest is debatable), - it's all paid for, - in general you regret stuff you don't do more than stuff you do...

This is fun, it's like seeing an external representation of my circular thought processes of the last few days!

Liiinooo Fri 27-May-16 01:00:59

YABU

Staying home will not improve your mental health or your sons physical health in any way.It will be a massive waste of money and the guilt over that will make your low mood worse. Nor will going to a wedding for a weekend significantly reduce the time you have to devote to your studies. You booked it because it would be a healthy break and you weren't wrong!

To be honest your post suggests you are feeling depressed and withdrawn and looking for excuses to stay home. You could that but then you will just stay in your rut.

Work hard between now and the wedding so you can have a guilt free trip. your DS and DH a kiss and then just go. Take a breast pump so you can relieve the pressure if necessary.
You will be away 3 days and your home and family will still be intact when you get home.

WriteforFun1 Fri 27-May-16 01:07:56

I say don't go
You've got six reasons you don't want to go, that is a lot.

If there's a bit of you that wants to go that's one thing, but if the only worry is appearing rude, I think that's not a good enough reason.

Glastokitty Fri 27-May-16 01:20:24

Flip a coin, then see if you are happy or sad with the result you get.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 27-May-16 01:25:30

I think you should go.

I was going to say exactly what you said in your last post.

You will not regret going, but you might regret not going.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Fri 27-May-16 01:34:56

UPDATE

I'm an even bigger twat than I thought.

DH has just got in from work and been treated to my ramblings, and reminded me that the wedding isn't actually next weekend, it's the one after blush.

So at least I should be able to obtain something to wear and DS should be over his bug by then. I don't know what's happened to my brain recently. I really, really do need some fecking sleep.

Italiangreyhound Fri 27-May-16 01:36:00

YANBU. Just do not go if you do not want to.

But just FYI....

1) "DS still breastfeeds at night... "

Could you express some milk, if you wished to?

2) "...he now has a nasty chest infection.... "

Re -this may get better before the wedding, can you leave it open for now? If you want to?

3) "I have nothing to wear. Like nothing...."

Borrow something, buy something cheap. No one will be looking at your clothes. I once bought an outfit from M and S on the day of a wedding because the outfit I had bought to the hotel for a wedding did not fit me! M and S have got everything, small, large, posh, casual! Really truly, if you would like to you can get an outfit in an hour.

4) "...a couple of weeks ago my car unexpectedly failed its MOT. Cost nearly £400 to fix and we are now even more utterly skint than usual. I also have literally no idea when to find the time to buy something as this entire weekend I am working/ going on my DM's birthday outing/ looking after poorly DS while DH works."

So do you mean an outfit, or something else? If you want to go I would just see if a similar sized friend could lend you something (nothing irreplaceable etc), or get a friend to take you to the shops when dh can look after ds. To be honest I've bought a very nice outfit in a supermarket! Which are sometimes open 24 hoursa a day. But I really do not think clothes should be your issue. You could wear anything (bar your own wedding dress), I don't think people would mind.

5) "I have end of year exams in five weeks".... Could you go for a shorter time, a kind of compromise. But only if you want to!

6) "My mental health has not been great for the past few months. I've been on antidepressants since January, and this was all booked in the first flush of optimism and enthusiasm when I started feeling a bit better. I worry that it's all too much though, I'm feeling a bit shaky again, and apart from anything that I'll be crap company."

I really don't think you need to be worried about what kind of company you will be at all *but if you do not feel you can mentally cope then I would." Your choice whether to tell her now or wait, whether to say poorly child or mental health.

Hope your son will be well soon, hope you will get well soon too. Sounds like you've got so much on at the moment, it's not going to help your mental health so I really hope you will find a way to balance out all of this.

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty or bad either way, do what is best for you.

ScarlettSahara Fri 27-May-16 01:37:30

Ooh That is tricky- very tricky. I totally get where you are coming from.
Sometimes though I don't feel like going out & just want to stay home but find that seeing my mates picks me up.
You haven't seen the bride for a while but how about your other uni friends? If you are still quite close I would be tempted to go for it ( & agree take breast pump).
You don't have to spend a fortune on outfit.
Are you on same flight as friends? Can you study without being unsociable or fit in extra before next weekend?
I think because you are a bit down / stressed you are overthinking things!
Try and go with your instincts & not the worrying thoughts. brew

Italiangreyhound Fri 27-May-16 01:39:24

Sorry typo...

I really don't think you need to be worried about what kind of company you will be at all but if you do not feel you can mentally cope then I would not go.

Oopse cross posted, but hope my post has something useful to say!

Iknownuffink Fri 27-May-16 01:42:22

Don't go if you don't want to.

Your reasons are valid.

Be kind to yourself.

ScarlettSahara Fri 27-May-16 01:42:28

Ha Ha Cesare - Well that is a result! I am off to bed too! grin

Italiangreyhound Fri 27-May-16 01:55:26

Maybe a nice cheerful, and cheap, outfit could make you feel a lot better.

This is my current favorite outfit in Sainsbuies is a Gok Wan dress for £30 but they have some nice dresses for £13! Please worry what you will wear.

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