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AIBU to resent the amount of time this (younger) woman spends with my husband?

(110 Posts)
lauren209 Thu 26-May-16 22:24:35

Ever since we got married, which largely equates to - ever since our kids were born - (they are now 13 and 10), my husband has spent a fair amount of time with other women. At the moment, he has a colleague who is about 7 years younger than him, who he spends a lot of time with. They go out cycling together at 6 am, they go for runs in the afternoon (they are both teachers and have free periods) and they go swimming together regularly. They have done a couple of sporting events together, e.g. a triathlon at Eton Dornay. She regularly posts things on his Facebook page about sporting events such as swimming in a lake in the north of Scotland, saying "hey, we should do this together" (which would clearly involve at least a week-end away). One of our kids has autism and, as a result, we have rarely left our children with babysitters. The knock on consequence of this, is that we have had zero one - to - one time together in the last 13 years. Our marriage has, at times, felt like it was falling apart, although interestingly, we did actually have sex once last week for the first time in 6 years (and probably for the third time in 13 years!!). Anyway, for the last 8 or so years, he has spent a good deal of his time with other women. They are his friends. I don't think there is any more to it than that. This other woman is very persistent in asking him to do stuff, such as go cycling, running, swimming and indeed, go away for holidays with her. I have always said nothing and let this happen but now I am starting to resent it. I think to myself, he's my husband and I don't get to spend any one to one time with him (because we can't leave our autistic son with anyone) and yet this colleague of his gets to spend one to one time with him several times a week, let alone, considering the week-ends she has been proposing on Facebook. AIBU to think she needs to fuck the fuck off and get in the queue (behind me) of people who would like to spend time one to one time with my husband?

gobbynorthernbird Thu 26-May-16 22:26:06

The problem is with your husband.

MrsHarveySpecter Thu 26-May-16 22:27:20

She doesn't need to 'fuck the fuck off'
, your husband needs to get his priorities straight.

AnyFucker Thu 26-May-16 22:27:38

You tolerate this ?

Why doesn't your husband care for his kids while you go off on holidays with hot young men ?

Horsemad Thu 26-May-16 22:28:26

Time to put your foot down...

TheWindInThePillows Thu 26-May-16 22:28:52

As gobby has said, your husband is the problem. He priorities time with this other woman, and other women, and hobbies, and time away with them, all before you and your children. Why do you think if this woman backed off their friendship that he wouldn't find another one? He always has in the past.

Arfarfanarf Thu 26-May-16 22:28:56

So when you've told your husband how you feel and what you would like - what has he said?

And yes. He's the problem. He shouldnt be putting all his energy into other people and leaving you with no part of him.

waitingimpatient Thu 26-May-16 22:29:26

YANBU it would seriously annoy me too if I was in your situation

Tell your dh how you feel. Lay all your cards in the table. Ultimatum time. I would also have. A word with the colleague too but I can be a little hot headed. Perhaps if she knew the circumstances she would back off rather than trying to lure him away from his family

seafoodeatit Thu 26-May-16 22:29:32

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I don't understand how this doesn't affect his conscience, are you just a paid up babysitter? I would be having a serious talk with him because it sounds like he's not making any time or effort for you and your marriage. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long, I would have blown a fuse a long time ago.

edwinbear Thu 26-May-16 22:30:15

Next time she posts something like that on his Facebook, simply reply 'sorry we have family plans that weekend'. YANBU.

Mummyme1987 Thu 26-May-16 22:30:30

He has you well trained to accept this. It should never have got to this.

RonniePickering Thu 26-May-16 22:30:32

Queue behind you? Tell him to get his act together. Or something hmm

CaspoFungin Thu 26-May-16 22:31:56

They go on holiday together?? Wtf!

NoCapes Thu 26-May-16 22:32:42

So you don't spend any time together, you haven't had sex in 6 years and he goes on holidays with other women and meets up with one several times a day?

Are you sure your his wife?
It sounds like he's in a relationship with this other woman and you're the au pair

TattyDevine Thu 26-May-16 22:33:04

Hi Lauren209, sorry to hear you are having these problems. As you are brand new to Mumsnet, you might also want to post this on the Relationships topic, as there is some very good advice there too. Though I agree with what everybody else has said so far.

MrsLion Thu 26-May-16 22:39:01

I understand and you are right, the situation is unacceptable and sounds tough for you.
But YABU in thinking that the problem will be solved by getting the women friends to fuck off.
This is not the other women's fault. It is a problem with your DH and your marriage.
No sex in 6 years is a problem. No one-on-one time is a problem, the fact that your DH prefers the company of other women is a problem. And the fact this has gone on so long is a problem. It sounds like you need to put some serious work in as a couple to reconnect again.

Why have you always 'said nothing and let it happen?'

There is nothing wrong with your DH having female friends and hobbies of his own but it sounds to me like he's taking the piss, being extremely selfish and you need to reign him in, and get control of your marriage again - if you want to stay with him that is. What he's doing is not ok.

He needs to grow the fuck up, focus on his wife and family, not galavant around pretending he's a single 22 year old with no commitments.

SomethingLike Thu 26-May-16 22:39:16

YANBU. Is there a reason your DH feels the need to escape family life? Could the lack of intimacy cause him to feel uncomfortable having one on one time with just you? Is there anything to make you think that he and any of these other women are more than just friends?

timelytess Thu 26-May-16 22:41:22

This man is not your husband. You might have married him, but he doesn't seem to want to be your husband in anything but name.

Do you see yourself living with that permanently?

SquinkiesRule Thu 26-May-16 22:45:09

I'd comment on the posts
Get to the back of the queue. The kids and I want a family holiday and we get first dibs.

AnyFucker Thu 26-May-16 22:52:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FloweryTwat Thu 26-May-16 22:56:28

Tell him you need a break and he can take the DC with him.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs Thu 26-May-16 22:59:29

This woman is so irrelevant, I don't even want to talk about her.

Your marriage sounds horrific. You have had sex 3 times in 13 years? You never spend any time alone with your DH?

Can you talk a bit more about your "marriage"? What... the fuck is going on?

WellErrr Thu 26-May-16 23:05:28

Is there a reason your DH feels the need to escape family life? Could the lack of intimacy cause him to feel uncomfortable having one on one time with just you?

I can think of a few reasons.

None are the OPs fault though.

isindecherryblossom Thu 26-May-16 23:12:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupidsgame Thu 26-May-16 23:12:19

She does need to "fuck the fuck off", she's asked him to go on holidays with her?? Unbelievable.

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