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Over Christmas?

(93 Posts)
Fpmd1710 Thu 26-May-16 21:41:18

Ex DP said today that he wants DS on Christmas day and I can have him Boxing Day. I told him that would not be happening, I explained he would get the same offerings he got last year, which was to have DS Christmas Eve until 6pm and then he could pick DS up from 2pm onwards Christmas Day and keep him overnight and have him all of Boxing Day. I also said he was welcome to drive up in the morning to watch DS open presents. He chose not to come up in the morning due to too much faffing about (completely agree but I wanted to let him at least have the option), he also chose not to pick DS up Christmas afternoon because he wanted a drink (that was fine, again I just wanted to give him the choice), so he ended up having him from Boxing Day morning until the following morning. This year he is insisting he will pick DS up Christmas Eve morning to avoid traffic later in the day and then have him until Boxing Day.

My DM tells me I'm being a bit of a bitch, but I can't see how. The ex is supposed to have DS every week as it is but he cancels or changes plans constantly as and when it suits, that I don't think he should be able to dictate a day that has always been a big deal to me, even before I had DS.

AIBU in saying no to him and offering him the same times as I did last year?

tinyterrors Thu 26-May-16 21:51:39

YABU. Personally I don't think it's fair that one parent should have every Christmas morning with their child while the other parent gets a few hours in the afternoon/evening. It's also not fair on the child to never have Christmas morning with their other parent and while your ex coming to your house Christmas morning may work for now it wouldn't work so well when you both have new partners and possibly more children with those partner.

We swop every year with dsd, one year she stays here Christmas Eve until after Christmas dinner and then goes home, the next year we pick her up after Christmas dinner and she stays overnight till Boxing Day. Another option would be to alternate who has Christmas Day each year.

Your ex shouldn't be cancelling plans and access without good reason, and he needs to sort this, but it's not fair to dictate that he can never have his son overnight on Christmas Eve.

anyoldname76 Thu 26-May-16 21:56:06

i agree with tinyterrors as hard as it is you need to share christmas

Pipbin Thu 26-May-16 21:59:48

Putting the issues with planned contact aside you are being unreasonable to dictate when he can see him.
He is as much the parent as you are. You don't get to decide.

Familyof3or4 Thu 26-May-16 22:00:58

Yabu, both patents should get a 'turn' at Xmas morning.
He is BU in suggesting picking him up Xmas Eve am until Boxing Day, you should get what he got last year.

StrawberrytallCake Thu 26-May-16 22:01:33

How old is your DS? What does he want to do?

ItsMeTheMummy Thu 26-May-16 22:03:06

I'm not going to be much help here because I couldn't imagine not spending Xmas morning (actually the whole day!) with my dd. It's a really hard one but I guess that you're ex has the same feelings so I think you may have to share. flowers

beetroot2 Thu 26-May-16 22:03:33

YABU I suppose but I'd be the same as you OP.

You also said that the swaps plans to suit himself all the time, so sod him.

Purplepicnic Thu 26-May-16 22:03:58

Given the amount of deadbeat fathers you hear mentioned on here, think how lucky your son is to have two parents who love him enough that they're arguing over who gets him on Xmas Day.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 26-May-16 22:04:13


Last year he chose to drink on Christmas Day rather than see his DS.
He constantly lets him down over contact,

Keep your DS at home where you know you'll make Christmas Eve & morning special for him.

Originalfoogirl Thu 26-May-16 22:05:19

Is it just me who finds the "you can have him" attitude a bit off? Is he a possession?

Don't know how old he is, but would you not ask him what he wants?

If you really want to be with your son on Christmas, why can't he go to his dad's and you go over there in the morning?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 26-May-16 22:06:03

Yes. Her & her DS are SO lucky. Last year he didn't bother with his child on Christmas Day because he'd rather drink and he messes around with his contact time all the time... Lucky? FFS

TheAnswerIsYes Thu 26-May-16 22:06:07

I would not agree to not seeing my child on Christmas day, I would insist on spending at least the morning with him (with his father) either at my house or ex's.

How old is your DS and where does he want to spend Christmas day/morning?

ItsMeTheMummy Thu 26-May-16 22:07:05

Extrahotlattetogo I hadn't thought of it like that.

I think I'm now swaying towards OP not sharing.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 26-May-16 22:08:00

Don't ask DS. It is not fair to make him choose.

Purplepicnic Thu 26-May-16 22:08:00

Do you think he wants to have him on Xmas Day just to spite the OP then?

Adelecarberry87 Thu 26-May-16 22:08:16

I'm going with op here he isn't even sticking to the current contact agreement why should he be given Christmas Day? OP was more than fair by giving part of Christmas Eve and offering Christmas Day from 2pm he declined in favour of having a drink!

My personal agreement is DS goes to his dad's at 5pm Christmas Day and has him for several days as ex has a split family himself so he does these visits on set days. This works for us as DS gets to see my family and also my laws on the same day and then his DF extended family aswell.

hownottofuckup Thu 26-May-16 22:08:45

YANBU but I doubt MN will agree

TheAnswerIsYes Thu 26-May-16 22:09:43

Actually fuck it, my child would be staying with me on Christmas Day. Last year I rowed with DH about where to spend Christmas Day and he went to his mother's for the day on his own. No way was he taking my DS.

leelu66 Thu 26-May-16 22:09:54

YANBU. What ExtraHot said.

A child is not just for Christmas. If he wants to play happy families on Christmas Day then he shouldn't mess around the rest of the year.

TimetohittheroadJack Thu 26-May-16 22:10:59

YANBU. Although I realise my view is clouded by my own experiences.

If your ex looks after your DS 50% of the time, pays decent maintainence and takes his turn at all the rubbish bits of parenting (getting then up for school, cleaning up after them, looks after them when they are sick...) then YABU.

If your ex turns up to look after your son once a week, takes him to the park an hour... Then he can fuck off

Fpmd1710 Thu 26-May-16 22:11:18

That's what DM was saying to me. TBH I think I'm a bit put out from it all as he recently told me that if I can't find a job that's 9-5 Mon-Fri then I should get on the social, because my working weekends means I then cause him issues if he can't have DS every weekend as 'he deserves a life and sometimes just wants to spend the weekend chilling with his mates' (his words). When I tried to tell him he was being unfair cancelling pretty much every other week he told me I have full parental responsibility so I should deal with it. So when he demanded Christmas I did throw in a sly dig about me having 'full parental responsibility so I should deal with Christmas'.
Of course once DS gets to school age I would begrudgingly take Christmas in turns as he will probably want to do so at that age anyway

Rowanhart Thu 26-May-16 22:11:29


Why should be get all Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Why should DS be away from his Mummy all over Christmas.

I think offering the same agreement as last year is perfectly reasonable. If he wants to drink rather than spend Christmas with kid, that's his problem.

defunctedusername Thu 26-May-16 22:11:44

this is another case of mumtitlement. The father has as much right to see his children as the mother has. It is not the mothers job to 'offer' the father when she thinks is acceptable.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 26-May-16 22:12:25

I think he wants to get him early so he can drink later on & probably to do the 'I'm such a great Dad I've got My Lad on Christmas Day' bollocks with his friends & family.

But it doesn't matter what I think or even what his motivation is. Last year he chose to drink over seeing his son & he regularly lets him down re contact. He doesn't get to dictate he's having him this christmas under those circumstances. Neither does it sound like he will give him a child focussed Christmas Day. What's best for their DS counts, not what his father wants.

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