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To be jealous of DS relationship with his dad's gf?

(27 Posts)
honeyJD Thu 26-May-16 17:44:44

My ex has been seeing a woman for about 6 months now. My son is 11 and we share custody 50/50 between us. Tonight was the first time we've all attended a social event together. I was here with DS and then ex and his gf turns up and DS runs up to her and gives her a massive hug, and another one when she left. This has upset me so much, I rarely get hugs from DS now as he's getting to that age. It just hurt a lot. They also text each other, she's said in a text after he'd been ill "hope you feel better today, I've been worried about you" not your place to be worried about my child hmm am I being hyper sensitive?

araiba Thu 26-May-16 17:48:42

yes

PPie10 Thu 26-May-16 17:49:44

I think Yanbu to feel upset but look at it from the point of view that your DS likes her and they get along. It would be much worse if she wasn't nice to him and couldn't do anything about it.

Kpo58 Thu 26-May-16 17:49:56

Would you feel better if he hid razor blades in her handbag instead?

MTPurse Thu 26-May-16 17:51:09

I know it must be hard but be grateful they have a good relationship and she isn't a SM from hell.

There can never bee to many loving and caring adults in a Childs life imo.

TheNaze73 Thu 26-May-16 17:51:24

YABVU

MTPurse Thu 26-May-16 17:51:42

*be too

SaveSomeSpendSome Thu 26-May-16 17:52:10

I understand were you are coming from.

It would be very hurtful to me if my son or daughter wouldnt hug me but would more than happily hug someone else!

I do think its much much better that he likes her rather than dislikes her.

Whatafrickennightmare Thu 26-May-16 17:53:44

Yep. I'm a step parent and if my step son is ill I genuinely am worried.I'm not his mum and will never try and be his mum but I do still care for him and worry.

NickiFury Thu 26-May-16 17:56:50

Yes it's good they get on, it's great she cares about him blah blah blah but it's not one bit unreasonable to feel a bit jealous and sad about it. It would only be unreasonable if you tried to get in the way of it.

WannaBe Thu 26-May-16 18:07:17

"not your place to be worried about my child." this kind of jealous attitude will filter down towards your child if you're not careful. She may well become a permanent fixture in your ex's life, may have children of her own and that will make her mother to your ds' siblings. It is far more preferable that they have a good relationship than the alternative.

People under estimate the impact it has on the children when an incoming partner is either A, not a very nice person or B, when the children just don't take to them for whatever reason and this leads to them feeling unsettled.

People also under-estimate the impact on children when parents make their feelings of jealousy towards a new partner known, which leads them to feel they can't be open about their feelings for the incoming partner in front of the other parent.

Notagainmun Thu 26-May-16 18:14:06

I understand your feelings but you have to hide them from everyone and it probably will get easier in time. Mum's often get taken for granted by their DC at certain ages and they think everybody is cooler than mum. Part and parcel of motherhood. Don't sweat it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 26-May-16 18:18:22

Well jealousy is an uncontrollable emotion which means if you could help it you wouldn't have such feelings, so YNBU.
However it's much better than your son gets on with her.

cbigs Thu 26-May-16 18:20:28

Yeah this is one of those 'totally understandable but you've got to suck it up '
Things I'm afraid . Been there done that myself . Far better for him that he likes her . She's still novel and no one will replace his mum. I get it op but you need to let it be ok for him. X

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adelecarberry87 Thu 26-May-16 19:08:22

Perfectly natural to feel a little jealous. When we have children with someone we choose who is involved in their life but when relationships break down and parents met new partners suddenly there's a person who you don't know involved quite closely in your child's life. I found it difficult in the beginning that my DS had a life separate to me as was a strange feeling as a parent.

My ex got with the OW as was out partying and doing drugs with her. She also hated kids. Least to say he wasn't seeing his son during this time they soon broke up. 7 years on ex has married a girl I went to school with very pleasant and my DS sees his dad and gets on very well with stepmom.

Amy214 Thu 26-May-16 19:14:50

Yabu my dd loves a lady from her preschool and runs away from me to see her whenever i drop her off but it doesnt bother me because at least i know shes happy there and it helps me not to worry about her so much

justmyview Thu 26-May-16 19:16:12

I think it's really important that your DS feels he has permission from you to have a positive relationship with his Dad's partner. In time, he'll thank you for it. Even if he takes you for granted now, you'll always be his Mum however strong his relationship with other significant adults

HostaFireandIce Thu 26-May-16 19:16:34

I agree with those saying YANBU for feeling this way, but you do need to grin and bear it for your son's sake. He hugs her because he likes her, yes, but also because he's building a relationship with her of which he is still not entirely certain so he puts effort in and yes, she is novel. He is sure of his relationship with you, knows you love him etc. so he doesn't need to show affection in the same way and can afford to be embarrassed by the idea! You're his mum and that is special to you and to him, but it is better, as others have said, that she is a positive in his life.

facebookrecruit Thu 26-May-16 19:19:14

YANBU to feel jealous but please don't act on it or let it consume you. So many kids end up with step parents who treat them like shit sad

honeyJD Thu 26-May-16 19:20:16

Thanks everyone - sometimes it helps to know IABU to get things in perspective.

Littlepeople12345 Thu 26-May-16 19:21:33

Yanbu to feel like that but I think it's nice that she clearly likes your DS and how can that be a bad thing? Please don't mention your feelings to your DS.

NavyAndWhite Thu 26-May-16 19:28:00

I can imagine it might sting a bit but imagine if she was a cow to him.

Would you prefer that?

readytorage Thu 26-May-16 20:05:11

I can see why you're upset but it sounds like you've raised a well balanced and happy young boy who is a credit to you and exh.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 26-May-16 20:12:04

I have a stepmother who has comprehensively alienated my dad from his three children, thanks to her toxic insecurity and tantrums.

Would you rather she be a jealous, insecure person quietly chipping away at your son's relationship with his dad? Thought not.

I sympathise with the jealousy but in the kindest possible way having a good relationship with his dad's partner is the best possible situation for your son so take a deep breath and rise above it. She's not his mum, you are, and all of you know it - this is just one more adult who cares about him and that's a good thing.

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