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My DM and MIL treat my DH like a man child. He loves it. AIBU to hate it?

(29 Posts)
LovelyBranches Thu 26-May-16 16:02:38

I have had to work away for a few days and leave DS with DH. My Dm and MIL seem to think that me being gone means they have to step in and take over. MIL stayed up my house for two nights as 'moral support' for DH. DM looked after DS for two days because DH was late for work on the one day he had to take DS to nursery. DM has cleaned the house and done the washing "because he's had it tough for the last few days" and both mothers have baked pies and pastries for DH to eat.

DH has lapped this up and loved all the attention. Yet I feel annoyed that he seems to have been treated like a big baby and that he cant be independent enough to look after our ds for a few days. I've now come home to a screaming DS because DM has spend the day giving him shit to eat and have been given a guided you around my house being told exactly what my DM has done 'for me' and how I should be grateful.

AIBU to think that in three days, my DM and MIL didn't need to take over so much and that DH should/could have been more independent?

NapQueen Thu 26-May-16 16:04:01

That would really fuck me off. Moreso that he allowed it. My dh is off all school holidays and obviously cares for the kids if I'm away for the weekend and he gets offended if my mum offers to have them for a day or overnight. He takes it as a slight against his capabilities.

PirateFairy45 Thu 26-May-16 16:04:55

Your DH needs to grow up.

And DM and MIL need to get a grip too.

ijustwannadance Thu 26-May-16 16:08:05

If your DH went away for a few days would they have come round and baked you pies and cleaned up? hmm

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 26-May-16 16:09:50

He should have been and could have been more independent, yes. But it's not really for you to control what help someone is offered or accepts, iyswim.

Thataintnoetchasketch Thu 26-May-16 16:10:11

This would piss me off. My friend has a DH who takes the kids to his or her DM whenever we go away even for one night. I always feel a bit embarrassed for him!

LovelyBranches Thu 26-May-16 16:11:34

Ijustwannadance, no! My DM will offer to be helpful but I would never let her and MIL wouldn't even offer.

LovelyBranches Thu 26-May-16 16:14:04

Milktwosugars. I accept your point, but to be honest I have come home and lost a bit of respect for Dh. I thought I had a husband who was a grown man and father. Seems I have a big baby! I seriously think that if MIL offered to wipe his arse he'd let her.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 26-May-16 16:14:04

Oh good god. I'd have serious respect issues with my DH if I were in your shoes. Luckily whilst he's happy to accept a helping hand, he doesn't appreciate being babied.

DH should/could have been more independent? How old is he? Two? I wish I could tell you how to deal with this one, OP, but I'm still wondering how the man manages to cut his own food up.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 26-May-16 16:14:47

X post OP! grin

emotionsecho Thu 26-May-16 16:16:01

It's ridiculous isn't it, no wonder your dh has gone down in your estimation.

LovelyBranches Thu 26-May-16 16:23:55

I nearly lost it with my Dm earlier when she took me outside to show me how she had cleaned the cobwebs off my garden fence, and that I should be grateful to her. I felt a bit spoilt when I told her that I hadn't asked her to do this or know that it happened. Also I don't bloody care about garden fence cobwebs.

Energumene Thu 26-May-16 16:24:49

It depends on the motivation, tbh. Yes, your DH should be capable of managing without their input. OTOH, on those rare occasions I've been away and left my DH to fend, I'd have been grateful for either my mum or MIL to come in and clean up etc. My own mother would do it purely because she knows DH is a bit of a mad professor type and doesn't see the trail of crap he leaves behind him and would want me to come back home and relax, not spend all evening clearing up the mess he'd made while I'd been away.

I can still remember going to Nottingham for the day to meet with a client when DS was 6 months old, returning around 7 pm to find him wearing the babygro he'd slept in the previous night, but with the legs off - so at least nappy changes had been done - and having ingested nothing but toast and Marmite or formula all day.

The place was a complete tip and DH was all 'but he's fine, look, he's smiling' hmm

YANBU to be pissed off, and DH (and your DM and MIL) does need to get a grip (as does mine, I know), but maybe just have a gentle word and be glad things went broadly OK in your absence and store this up for future assistance if DH goes away because pies.

Energumene Thu 26-May-16 16:29:39

X post. I see the losing respect. The question is, could he have coped without them stepping in? Mine could and would, but he's pragmatic enough to accept the help and food offered and get on with other things. It would never occur to my DH that I'd be cross at him for accepting help, so long as it was genuinely helpful.

diddl Thu 26-May-16 16:38:57

Sounds great to me & I'm sure I'd revel in it given the chance!

diddl Thu 26-May-16 16:41:35

He shouldn't have just let your son eat crap though!

fanofthevoid Thu 26-May-16 16:46:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Thu 26-May-16 16:47:09

You're supposed to clean cobwebs off garden fences?

I like cobwebs on my garden fence. It means those spiders aren't in the house where they will come to harm at the hands of my kids, whether or not they get to build cobwebs on my light fittings, first.

nobilityobliges Thu 26-May-16 16:48:16

I think YABU. Why shouldn't his mum come to stay and help out? It IS harder for a single person to look after a kid than it is for a couple after all. Your MIL doesn't necessarily think that your DH couldn't cope but it's sweet that she wants to help him out. As for your mum - I'd understand your annoyance if you thought she wouldn't help you out in the same circumstances, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Fair enough if you'd decline, but I don't get why that means your DH has to be a martyr when he has family members offering to help out. Personally I come from a family like this, where people do each other favours - never felt like it meant I wasn't being taken seriously or that I wasn't taking others seriously.

Qwebec Thu 26-May-16 16:50:58

I think YABU. They both probably enjoyed to come and help out. It's your choice to refuse help, you DP does not need to do the same. I also think you were quite rude to your DM. As long as when you are there your Dp pulls his weight I don't see what the issue is.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 26-May-16 17:02:40

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It's your dp choice if he wanted to accept the help and he did. Just like its your choice to turn down the help when your mum offers to help you.

If I was away and my mum or mil came to help would I care or lose respect for my DH, no I wouldn't

Cagliostro Thu 26-May-16 17:18:44

Ugggh YANBU. I absolutely hate it when people say oooh isn't he good looking after the kids/house/cooking for you. Um, no. He is half of a partnership.

Teddy1970 Thu 26-May-16 17:30:49

My MIL does this, she comes from a generation where men need to be "looked after", it drives me mad, I was away for the weekend on business and he'd ran out of black socks so he just happened to mention this to his mother who took great delight in offering to come and do his washing! I went mad and said "what would your friends think about your Mother coming round to wash socks for a grown man in his forties?" It really is pathetic sometimes, she thinks he's incapable of anything regarding housework. My 2 year old boy is going to grow up and do stuff for himself thank you very much!

oldlaundbooth Thu 26-May-16 17:42:59

Imagine if your DH went away for a couple of nights, OP.

Would your MIL and DM be round at yours, baking cakes, cleaning etc.

WOULD THEY FUCK.

oldlaundbooth Thu 26-May-16 17:45:47

And how the hell did your mother have time to be cleaning the cobwebs off the fence?!

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