Ok, so I have a bit of a dilemma.
Bit of background first. I have been best friends with the same woman, Jane, since we were 14 year old girls. For 22 years, we were very, very close and even had our children in a similar time-frame.
Cracks began to show in the relationship about 5 years ago as I began to feel it had become very unbalanced, with me constantly providing practical, financial and emotional support while she didn't really offer very much in return. It eventually got to the point where I began to feel that unless I was doing something for her (looking after her children etc.) I was surplus to requirements.
In January of this year, we went on a planned weekend away with another of our close friends, Lily. It was arranged the previous Autumn and we booked theatre tickets/hotel etc. as a Christmas present to each other. At the time of arranging, Jane made things quite awkward as although she said she wanted to come, she was quite negative about it - insisting on only staying for one night instead of 2 and eventually booking her room at a different hotel to myself and Lily - she explained this as an error on her part as we had looked at 2 hotels. I was hurt and pissed off by all this, as was Lily, but let it go as I knew if I didn't, it would be portrayed as me being "controlling" (I admit I am one of those people who likes to be organised - I like to know what time we are going somewhere etc., whereas she is more relaxed about times and doesn't make/stick to plans).
Anyway, myself and Lily went to the hotel on the Friday, had a lovely day/night and were joined the next day by my Jane. She was supposed to be getting to our hotel around 12ish so we could all go for lunch etc. before the show but she didn't actually arrive until 5pm so we had a quick dinner before heading to the theatre.
Afterwards, we went back to our hotel and had a couple of drinks. Whilst there, our mutual friend was talking about a crappy situation with her partner and I was commiserating, in the vein of "why are men such wankers?". At this point, Jane began to extoll the virtues of her partner and tell us what a shame it was that we were both in awful relationships with awful men. Which I wouldn't have minded too much if a) her partner wasn't actually a massive douche-bag and b) my partner is was actually pretty alright and c) it was pretty insensitive to Lily who was actually having a shit time of it and didn't need her nose rubbed in a "perfect relationship" (albeit an imaginary perfection!).
So, Jane and I got into an argument, I asked her several times to tell me how she was feeling and why, she said she didn't want to talk about it then accused me of looking down my nose at her. I snapped back that perhaps she felt that way because I am always the one that knows one she's when she's fucked up because I'm the one she calls when everything goes to the shit and I am the one who picks the pieces up!
I don't regret saying what I did, it is true and it had been a long time coming. We have not spoken since that night. It was an argument she created and this is borne out by Lily, too. Lily has told Jane that she feels the argument arose because of Jane t if she wants to try to salvage the relationship, she should call me so we can talk about it and at the very least clear the air. She has never called. I miss the relationship we used to have but not the one we had for the last 3-5 years because I felt un-valued and manipulated.
My son, whom Jane has known and been a part of his life since birth, recently turned 18. Jane did not send a card or any sort of message to him.
My dilemma is that I am now organising a family move. I currently live a 20 minute walk from Jane and we have lived this close for the last 15 years.
The move will mean we will be a two and half hour drive away.
A big part of me wants to go without saying a word, but i have this niggling voice in the back of my mind saying "what if she needs you and you aren't there?"
What would you do?
p.s. Sorry for the novella!
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AIBU if I don't tell an old friend before I move away? (Long post)
71 replies
Wheresthewine36 · 26/05/2016 11:08
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