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I know I'm BU but I'm having a strop anyway.

(12 Posts)
Welshmaenad Wed 25-May-16 17:27:49

Fully aware I'm being U and irrational but I'm having a bad day grin

Separated from H before Christmas and have been in a new relationship for a few months. BF is lovely, great with DCs, spends a lot of time with us and all generally fab and happy etc etc. He's younger than me and his ex was very jealous/controlling and I'm conscious of not stifling him. I trust him implicitly and don't think for s minute he would cheat, that's not the issue. He's a contractor and works when work is available, is paid well when he's working and takes time off when he feels like it.

He has just announced that his friend is planning a trip to Europe next year, for two months, and has asked him to go. He's really excited about it and is happily poring over the very detailed itinerary/costing his friend has prepared.

I do not want him to bloody go. I don't really want him to fuck off for nine weeks because the DC and I will miss him. But I can't ask him not to go because he's his own person and it's not really reasonable to dictate whether he can go on holiday with his mate is it? But if he keeps banging on about it I may kill him.

Please feel free to tell me how U I am being because it might help me get over myself.

SlightlyperturbedOwl Wed 25-May-16 17:31:50

YANBU to want to kill him for excitedly going over all the details with you all the time when you aren't going grin but yes YABU if you try to talk him out of it. Maybe try and see it as a kind of sabbatical to focus on you and your DCs too?

BeaArthursUnderpants Wed 25-May-16 17:32:29

I don't blame you, OP. For me it wouldn't be so much the going as the fact that he didn't even seem to consider you in the equation. But yes that is unreasonable. It sljnds like you guys are at that weird in-between phase of the relationship where you're not quite committed enough that he wouldn't go, but by the time the trip rolls around you probably will be, and it would be nice if he considered that. But you are right that you can't say anything-- just put a smile on your face and talk about how great it sounds. Your BF may be worried about losing his freedom and even though he probably is, in a good way, it will be nice for him to feel like he can still do things like this. He may very well not end up wanting to go in the end, but he needs to come to that on his own.

Welshmaenad Wed 25-May-16 17:33:55

Yes, I may pack the tent and fuck off with the ankle biters to France for a few weeks, eat lots of cheese. See how he likes them apples.

shovetheholly Wed 25-May-16 17:34:29

Oh gosh, I wouldn't be happy either! I think you sound really level-headed about it, though.

I'm afraid it sounds as though you're more committed to him than he is to you. sad I don't think someone who considers themselves 'long-term attached' goes on holiday with a mate for 2 months, leaving the family back home.

However, that doesn't mean that the relationship has no future - just that you are both at different stages of commitment right now. It doesn't make him a bastard and it doesn't mean you can't pick up when he returns, either, though I think you'd need to be OK with seeing this as a relationship break with no guarantees for the future in the interim. I know a lot of women who would be fine with that - I think I would personally struggle, but I am quite codependent really so no model for anyone!

harshbuttrue1980 Wed 25-May-16 17:43:52

You've only been with him for a few months!!! He's not acting like he's in a committed relationship because he's not in a committed relationship - he's in a new and budding relationship! A few months is nowhere near long enough to start planning your lives around each other. A bit worrying that you think your kids will miss him - is it really a good idea to let your kids get emotionally involved with everyone you date? A lot of relationships don't work out, and it would be upsetting for them to get used to someone being there and then a couple of months later he's gone.

If you make a fuss about him going, you are likely to scare him off. Let him go, enjoy time with the kids when he's gone, and keep in touch via text etc when he's gone.

MauledbytheTigers Wed 25-May-16 17:50:35

As hard as you'll find it, I don't think he is being unreasonable given you've only been with him a few months. I don't see it as leaving the family at home, as shove does, with all due respect, they're not his children, not his step children and I doubt he sees you as his family at this stage in a relationship (I know it wasn't OP that said this).

The fact is its still early days, who knows where you'll be when the time for him to go may find when the time comes he doesn't wNt to go for the whole duration but I doubt he's thinking that far ahead at such an early stage in a relationship.

So, and I think you know this, it would be unreasonable to tell him you don't want him to go. He sounds like he's been a good partner but this is a new relationship and I think it would be unfair to put him in a position where he may feel guilty.

As your relationship progresses than my answer would change accordingly but this is early days.

I don't agree however this means he isn't as committed to you as you are him. I've been on a lengthy holiday without my DP... it has no reflection on how committed I am to him and only reflects my love of travel and my job being more flexible than his in terms of getting longer periods off.

Welshmaenad Wed 25-May-16 17:50:35

Oddly, shove, he's pretty committed - he talks quite happily about our relationship well into the future. He went out last night and was supposed to be staying at a friend's yet ended up blogging a lift back to mine (I live in the arse end of the devil's backyard) because he missed me and wanted cuddles, the dopey man. This mate and he used to live together when they were young and single and I think he's swept away in lad nostalgia grin. I have no intention of pissing on his chips so I'm going to be nice.

Nice, woman, nice, you know you can do it...

Costacoffeeplease Wed 25-May-16 17:50:42

You've known him a few months and you're worrying about a trip NEXT year shock

And your kids are already emotionally tangled up in your new relationship shockshock

Dial it way down

WriteforFun1 Wed 25-May-16 17:54:14

you've only been seeing each other a few months. Jeez. Calm down already.

ChicRock Wed 25-May-16 17:54:26

Christ almighty in the space of 6 months you've got rid of your husband and got your new bloke involved with your kids to the extent that you think they'll miss him?

Committed, hmm. Ok.

You're just dating and yes YABU.

Welshmaenad Wed 25-May-16 18:22:09

I didn't 'get rid' of my husband. Tempted to bury him under the patio sometimes but we're mostly very amicable. wink

BF and I were friends before we got together and the children already knew him. His level of involvement with the kids was discussed and happily agreed between me and their dad, me and him and most importantly with the children. I'm aware some people might have negative opinions but frankly, as long as the five of us are happy (and we are) that's all that's really relevant.

I'm kind of hoping he will come to the conclusion in his own that he doesn't want to go but that feels mean! I'm pondering if he can maybe do a segment of the trip and tag it on to a family holiday and come eat cheese with us in the Loire but we'll see.

Meanwhile I am feeling far more mentally prepared for uber reasonableness when I pick him up from work later, thank you.

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