Moving back in with parents(15 Posts)
I've recently finished university, and I am about to move back in with my parents to start a PGCE course - I'll be at the local university and it made practical and financial sense to do so.
Me and my DM get along pretty well, although we've started to frequently come to loggerheads when I visit home as she's very hands-on. She only works a couple of days a week, and takes enormous pride in housekeeping/cooking, and likes to micromanage the rest of the family (Disclaimer: I do love her to bits and hugely appreciate everything she does). However, having lived away from home for four years, and spent a year living abroad, I have become very comfortable living independently and having my own space. As such our arguments frequently begin when she starts to become overbearing, or if her standards aren't being met (the other day she felt that she had to supervise me making an omelette and then washing up the dishes, accompanied by barrage of 'helpful' tips). Polite reminders that I've managed to survive for several years alone seem to go straight over her head.
I will of course be paying rent next year, although we haven't yet agreed an amount. I'm aware that the PGCE course is going to be incredibly stressful, and as such I want a calm environment to come home to where I can feel independent.
I'm interested for opinions of those who have had adult children move back in or if you have moved back in with parents yourself.
AIBU to expect to be treated like less of a child, and more like a lodger? Should I approach her with some sort of 'agreement' as to where boundaries should be set/what I'm expected to do in the house?
I think YABU to expect to be treated like a grown up when you are incapable of living independently. I moved back home at 31 for a couple of years following my divorce and was grateful for the help and accepted that as an adult if I had to retreat 'home' then I had to suck up a little bit of being treated like a child. Didn't bother me to be honest.
If you pay the market rate for a lodger then maybe you will have a leg to stand on but if you are getting preferential rates and accepting meals/washing/any domestic help you don't.
You need to remember it is her house and that if you choose to live there you accept her rules/micromanagement and standard. It is her kitchen. She has lived for four years without you; as far as she is concerned you are still eighteen; you expect her to adapt to suit you when she is doing you a favour. You want a calm environment to come home to, you find her overbearing, too hands on, and she only works two days a week: the thinly -veiled contempt shows through. 'As such' I think you would do better to find your own place.
Just suck it up it is her home, and if you want cheap living well then you just have to grin and bear it.
DS1 came back due to having financial problems and was very appreciative of being able to live, low rent and have his meals provided.
I still have 3 in their 20's living at home.
The bugbear is the kitchen, too many cooks and all that, we have all decided that it is easier that I do the cooking and I do not appreciate anyone round me trying to use the workspace while this is going on.
Don't leave dirty dishes around either, if your Mum hasn't got a dishwasher treat her for Xmas.
Just be grateful that you have loving and accommodating parents and be mindful of their privacy.
Just move in with roommates. She has the right to have her "standards" followed because it's her house.
Your parents will always treat you like a bit of a child. You can either get over it or you can take huge amounts of umbrage about your Rights and spend the next few years destroying your relationship with your mother and constantly posting to AIBU about how terrible she is.
Parents always revert to "parenting" - no matter how old you are!
I recently moved back home after my relationship broke down. Despite the fact that I've lived independently since I was 18, my mum still worries I can't use the washing machine or turn the oven off! She's always fussing and making sure I've eaten meals or whatever. But I'm paying dirt-cheap rent to live here and without her support, I'd be in a grotty bedsit with no chance to save, so I suck it up.
Either move in with friends and pay more money in living costs, or accept you need to save money and suck up the fussing. It won't be forever!
Thanks for all the replies so far! I'm very aware that I'll just have to suck it up, and losing independence is all part and parcel of moving back home. I think I just have to accept the fact that it will take a little getting used to it again.
Living out in college accommodation is still an option, but we've had chats and it all agree that it doesn't make sense to pay £7000+ for a year to live a few streets away from my parents! I completely understand that I'll be living back under their rules, and as such have to respect that and make confessions. I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips to keeping the disputes to a minimum? Housework/cleanliness isn't really an issue, it's just having my own bedroom space and ability to complete chores without supervision or criticism that usually gets to me.
I'm in the same position OP, it is a bit annoying (I am grateful to my parents but mam in particular likes fussing over me and nagging about my hair/make up etc etc). I'll be moving home soon and the saving grace is that we'll both be working, me during the day her doing nights so we shouldn't be in each others way too much. Like you I'll be paying rent but not market rate, also if I get lifts etc to the station I'll give them petrol money. I've more or less accepted now that parents will try and 'parent' me but that can be nice too sometimes, to have a sympathetic ear and a 'let me put some toast on for you' attitude after you've had a hard day. Home will probably be nicer than any place you could afford yourself, and anyway as a PGCE student you won't be home much surely, I know they're quite full on? So you probably won't have to see parents much.
I've been dreading going back home but had a lightbulb moment and realised if I didn't want to be treated like a kid I can't act like one. My mam and me will share the washing, hoovering etc, she will do the ironing as her favourite 'job' and besides I'd be quite happy not to iron my clothes at all, she insists on doing it though. My father is in the house all day pottering so he'll do little jobs. As we'll both be working (me only 4 days compared to her 6 but I'm doing an evening course) we're doing to share cooking and do 3 evenings a week each, depending on how our work rotas work. I'm not going to be like a child and expect everything done for me, I'll 100% organise myself and we'll all pull together and help out. I have submitted to the fact that I will have to comply to my mother's standards and way of doing things but it won't be forever (am hoping to join the plice) and it's a small price to pay for being able to pay a reduced rent and save up.
Me moving back home isn't ideal for anyone, my parents have got used to being alone and so having me back will be a change and I'm grateful for them allowing it. I need to make their lives easier by moving back home, not harder, and will do this by contributing to household jobs (so lessening the load), walking the dog, and generally not reverting back to my teenage self. I appreciate I'll be doing a lot less than I would if I'd moved out, and although my mothers' fussing does get on my wick (it does!) she means well. My life will be a lot easier than living alone as there's people to share the load with and we're family not lodgers living in a house so we all pull together and help each other out when needed, eg. my dad will drive me to train station when I startbefore the buses start running, in return I'll help him make his bed (doubles are a bit tricky for him to do), they'll help me in a lot of ways and I'll do the same for them. I do think you have to comply with their standards OP, but it won't be for long. In terms of studying, do you have a desk in your room/can you get one? Would give you a quiet place to do work. Also remember there are some benefits to living home, most of all saving money and then being supported/helped out when needed. Make sure though you pull your weight and just grit your teeth with your mothers fussing. You'll always be her child, that won't stop even when you're 40!
Do your parents walk the dog/work etc at hours when you're home? If so do the chores then. Or send them up to watch telly in bed while you crack on with the dishes. Losing independence is a worry of mine but it neednt be a huge issue - obviously you can't have randoms over at 2 in the morning but you couldn't do that in uni accomodation either without annoying housemates! In terms of being courteous, don't get stuck in the trap f asking permission when it don't concern them - so eg, ask permission if you want amate to stay the night, but much the same you'd ask an adult flatmate. Don't ask permission to go out clubbing! If plans change and you stay out, text them but again that's something I do in uni so my friends don't worry, and be quiet coming in etc, but definitely don't ask their permission. I don't think for eg you should follow their rules to the point where you have a curfew or something silly like that! In keeping arguments to a minimum, I cant really help as me and my mum are like cat and dog and that's why I'm grateful we're working opposite times so won't see each other too much. Is making sure you're out as much as possible a good idea? As you'll be in uni most days you'll prob just have enough time to shower, eat, do a bit of housework, do a bit of course work before chilling and bed anyway! You'll be so busy op, you prob won't be home much. Weekends are different but you could crack on with chores then, meet friends and go out with them, go to the gym, get on with work etc - you'll likely be so busy you wont see parents too much anyway. I did panic when I thought about moving home at first but then I realised what with a job 4 days a week, a course one evening and one weekend day a week and the homework that entails, a day spent at home doing childcare course work (condition of employment), coupled with travelling to and from work, walking the dog/keeping fit, socialising with mates, I won't be home very much at all!
My eldest DD moved back last year to do an intensive MSc course (she couldn't afford accomodation). We felt bad that we couldn't help her out financially but were glad to offer no rent/ food etc at home.
My DD had some worries like you about being back at home (especially lack of independence) and my DP and I both work from home, so the house is always occupied. But we sat down and discussed how things could work and tried to address her concerns. My younger children were also a bit worried as DD can be a bit too inquisitive/bossy with them so we discussed that too.
My DD initially thought she would want to cook for herself etc and I cleared a fridge and freezer shelf and some cupboard space but the course was intense and we ended up cooking her meals and making her lunches and often picked her up late at night from events to ease things for her.
We felt it was a real privilege to have her at home again (probably for the last time) and have relished the time we have spent together. She is sad to moving next week to London to take up a job (whereas she couldn't get out the door quick enough when she was 18)
It may not be as bad as you think - talk to your mum about it. Good luck with the PGCE
Sit down and have a chat with her about it. Just put it clearly that you'd like to organise things 'so you don't get on each other's nerves'.
I think it's awful, anyway, that you say your bedroom isn't private space. That has to be settled, and she should keep out, as long as you keep it clean and tidy.
DH, myself and our then 5yo DD moved in with his parents for 3 months between selling our house and moving into the new one (our purchase fell through and we had to withdraw and find another house, we didn't want to lose our sale so PIL kindly offered).
The key is to view it like you're living with a friend, so you'd jump up and sort out clearing away, washing up, cleaning up etc. You basically act like an adult and watch that you don't slip into being a child. Plus bite your tongue
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