to rather dislike her?(9 Posts)
I am looking for advice on how to handle this situation with my SM. I'll be straight up; I find her sneaky, manipulative, spiteful, underhand and selfish. So, I may be coming from a biased place wink. I don't know where to start.
Her and my DF got together about 5 years ago, and from the beginning I was really pleased he'd found someone and felt very keen and ready to welcome her into our family. However, it soon become apparent that she did not see things the same way. We went on a big family holiday the first year, and on one of the nights, her, my Dad, her kid and her D's DP all emerged onto their balconies, while me and DB sat like ??, and they all went off to dinner. We were younger at the time, and found it quite odd and hurtful.
Loads of examples that I won't detail.
She has become close with my grandmother, and out of nowhere, my grandmother is suddenly very rude to me whenever we speak. I don't have much wider family and to me it is devastating. My father talks sometimes about her controlling behaviour and suggests he wants to end things. I am broadly supportive of their relationship, and am always supportive of their relationship when we speak, but find it upsetting as she tries to prevent us spending time together one on one. He has confided, after some years, that she is jealous and insecure, and that he no longer has contact with any friends, upon her say so, which he resents.Their business obvs.
Most recently there has been a big argument. She behaved really unpleasantly and I don't feel able to visit my DF's house again right now. Our relationship is breaking down, slowly but surely. We were previously very close, but this person causes so much conflict that everything feels hard and upsetting and we gradually speak less and less. AIBU?
You didn't do anything wrong.
Your father don't seem happy.
Live it to time and see your father whenever you can.
Why are you not cross with your DF? Especially with the going out to dinner incident, you are his DC, his responsibility. Your SM and her family may have been under the impression you were sulking and not realised you weren't invited. Concentrate your energy on sorting out a relationship with DF.
It's awful OP and I sympathise. My dad was the same and it's a nightmare as you end up excluded from your own family through no fault of your own.
If it helps, (ha!) you're not alone - there's a few of us in the same boat.
It sounds as though your DF is in the throes of an abusive relationship to me. If this were the other way around and your mother everyone would jump to that conclusion right away and tell you that you needed to support her and try get her away from the situation but I suppose men are stronger and can look after themselves .
He's being controlled, majorly. He no longer has any friends and she's also trying to push his own children away from him. Classic abusive behaviour isolating him. Your DF needs help to escape. He needs your support. It will only get worse and he's already told you he's not happy with her and does want to leave. She's vindictive and will continue to drag him down . Be there for him. Don't push him but make it known to both her and him that you're strong and you're not going anywhere. She needs to know she can't get away with this.
I agree with PreAdvent and Todzoid YABU to RATHER dislike her I'd 've gone NC quite a long time ago.
I also agree with Toddzoid, classic examples you have given of your DF being the victim of a perpetrator of domestic abuse. You are right to dislike her , she is abusing your DF.
To me it OP it sounds like your poor Dad is reaching out to you because he's so unhappy in his relationship and he wants out!
But from what you've said about the conversations you've had with him it sounds like your brushing it off?! supportive of they're relationship,it's they're business.
Now honestly if it was my Dad I'd be listening and reassuring him that her behavior towards your father isn't good and not what you'd want in a relationship and that if he wanted to end the relationship that he should.
You've said that your and your DB were children when they got together so he could be worrying that it would be unsettling for you if they broke up,assure him that it won't be!
You have a golden opportunity here OP to help your Dad get his life back and to help yourself get your relationship back with your Dad!
It's conversations like the one's your Dad is having with you that I had with two seperate women that I knew that were in very dangerous and abusive marriages,by listening and re assuring them that they weren't the one's in the wrong and that what they were going through wasn't normal and by making suggestions and offering support I helped them both get away with they're DC to safety and it was just in time,one of the men is now in prison for attempted murder of his own 2 young sons,thankfuly the boys were both fine.
Just think OP if a woman you were close to and your loved and she was confiding in you about an abusive relationship you'd be supporting them and telling them to get out.You should do the same for your Dad.
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