To Feel Really Uncomfortable With All This?(11 Posts)
I am looking for advice on how to handle this situation with my SM. I'll be straight up; I find her sneaky, manipulative, spiteful, underhand and selfish. So, I may be coming from a biased place . I don't know where to start.
Her and my DF got together about 5 years ago, and from the beginning I was really pleased he'd found someone and felt very keen and ready to welcome her into our family. However, it soon become apparent that she did not see things the same way. We went on a big family holiday the first year, and on one of the nights, her, my Dad and her kid and their DP all emerged onto their balconies, while me and DB sat flumoxed, and they all went off to dinner. I was in my 20s at the time, and hurt beyond belief.
Earlier that year she had 'joined' my Dad on a trip we had planned abroad, long before they got together. I was moving from one part of a foreign country to another, it was all planned that we would drive together from one part of the country to another. It had been planned before they got together, but she came along and then insisted that we move everything a day earlier, so she could get back in time for work. This wasn't possible as I was going to stay with a friend for some weeks, and had already arranged a date that couldn't be changed to arrive. This kind of incident has repeated itself several times now. I know it may sound paranoid but it seems like she does this sort of thing as some kind of power play, or to test my DF's loyalty.
She has become close with my grandmother, and out of nowhere, my grandmother is suddenly very rude to me whenever we speak. I don't have much wider family and to me it is devastating. My father talks sometimes about her controlling behaviour and suggests he wants to end things. I am broadly supportive of their relationship, but find it upsetting as she tries to prevent us spending time together one on one. He has confided, after some years, that she is jealous and insecure.
Most recently there has been a big argument. I don't feel able to visit my DF's house again right now. Our relationship is breaking down, slowly but surely. We were previously very close, but this person causes so much conflict that everything feels hard and upsetting and we gradually speak less and less. I just want normality, and hate all the conflict.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice for you but hope that by responding I make your thread visible again to someone who can help
I don't have any wise counsel, as my stepmother is all these things and worse. She hates me and won't let my dad see me alone. My dad meanwhile seems unable to stand up to her. The sense of loss and hurt never goes away. You have my utmost sympathy.
There's quite a few of us around MN, I think.
Oh dear sounds horrible.
Go see your grandmother and have it out
She does sound awful but in these situations, I can never understand why the DF doesn't put his foot down. To paraphrase some of the MIL threads, you don't have a stepmother problem, you have a father problem.
I agree about speaking to your GM as well, and finding out what SM has said to her.
How awful, could you have a quiet word with your father and explain that you value your relationship with him very much and would really appreciate some quality one on one time?
What was the last row about?
Does your dad have a trusted friend who you could tell and might they have a quiet word on your behalf?
I would also have a chat with your GM - I mean what have you got to lose ? What a sad situation thing and you are not alone in this OP X
From the info you've given so far, I'm not sure how much contribution you have made to the current situation.
Going through your post in order, I don't understand the issue with the balconies. Why were you and your brother flummoxed because they were on their balconies? Is them going to dinner without you the problem? Is it possible this was a miscommunication about plans rather than you being deliberately left out? Perhaps because you and your brother were the only single people on the holiday, they were expecting you to want to go out clubbing or something? Anyway, if your dad deliberately left you out, that's his doing not hers. He could have invited you to join them but chose not to for whatever reason.
Secondly, your dad inviting his new partner along on your trip was surely down to your dad, not her. I can see that it must have been irritating for you but I don't think that you can blame her entirely for that one.
The grandmother issue does sound worrying. But if there has been hostility between you going on for a long time, which it sounds like there has, is it possible that your grandmother is actually pissed off with you and your behaviour rather than having been "turned" by your SM?
Finally. The big argument. Was that partly your fault? Refusing to visit your dad is such a major step and could really damage your relationship with him forever. Do you really need to go that far?
If you can reflect on all that honestly and still feel that your SM is driving a wedge between you, then my advice would be to try and see your dad without her, if he is willing. If not, then you will have to put up with her, I'm afraid, in order to maintain your relationship with him. But do have a good think about whether your SM might be feeling that she has to fight you for your dad's affection and attention in the same way that you feel that about her.
Really sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it sounds like a difficult situation.
I agree with PPs, perhaps speaking to you GM could be a good first step?
I'm sorry op I don't understand the balcony bit either? Not sure what happened there?
I agree you need some time with your Df and gm alone though and be honest with them that you don't want conflict but you do need quality one to one time with them.
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