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To still be upset by my DCs birth

(56 Posts)
sepa Tue 24-May-16 21:49:40

I have changed a few minor details as to not out myself in RL but nothing that really changes what happened.

My DC is 9 weeks old and I found her birth quite traumatic for myself (she is my only DC so I'm not sure if it's wose than normal but for me it was bad). I will try to explain so not to drip feed details.

My waters broke late into the evening (around 11pm). Called triage to see what to do and they said call back in the morning unless labour starts. Labour doesn't start so I call hospital. Hospital was busy in the morning so said could I come in the afternoon to be checked over. They said someone would call me to tell me what time an hour later (so at 10am). I hadn't heard anything at 12pm and had a scheduled MW appointment so I called to see if I should go to that still. The lady on the phone said I had to come straight in as my waters had broken.
Went to the hospital to be told no one was expecting me, why did I just turn up etc and then told to wait in the hallway until someone was free.
Got examined and told to come back next day to be induced unless it kick started itself. It didn't.

Next morning I turn up on time and again they are busy so I am told to go have a wander for a bit them come back. Come back and I am reffered to as the previous person in the bed (who had been discharged).
Induction begins. Get told to go off and get lunch as I had missed The round but to be back in 6hrs. Come back after 2 as more waters go so I need a change of clothes. MW then had ago at me as I had missed the observation round hmm

Anyway, induction doesn't work. I haven't slept for days. Get to 10cm but DC won't come out. Heart rate is dropping so at 9pm ish I am rushed for emergency c section. DC had to be resuscitated..

Skip forward 2 days and senior MW tells me I am being discharged even though DC wasn't feeding properly and I wasn't ready to go home as I needed extra BF support (DC slept every time they went on the boob). End up going home.

Visit from one extremely horrid MW who had me feeling like shit saying I was purposely under feeding DC (as we were formula feeding how another MW told us to) and how DC was jaundice and very small (she lost 6% of her birth weight which I am lead to believe is normal).

DC is now formula fed which I am deveatated about but I largely think this is due to not being given the correct support both in and out of hospital.

I have since had 4 friends have babies 2 of which were born at the same hospital I gave birth in.
1st friend to give birth at same hospital had a c section and discharged herself after 2 days as she was formula feeding but they wanted to keep her in as she had just had a c section (not planned but not emergency either) and another who is still in hospital 4 days later who had a natural labour because her DC isnt breastfeeding correctly and keeps falling asleep on the boob.

I know what is done is done now but I still get the sadness each day that I am not BF my DC and still look back on the whole labour experience and can't quite get my head round it. I feel very let down by the hospital right now for being treated so differently with being able to stay in hospital following DCs birth.

How can I get past this? I do enjoy and love my DC everyday. They are my silver lining to a horrible birth!

If you have managed to get to the end of this (never ending story) then thank you flowers

AliceInHinterland Tue 24-May-16 21:56:22

YANBU - 9 weeks is a very short period of time and I felt like this for at least a year (improving over that time). It is a form of post-traumatic stress and as I understand it arises when you feel a total lack of control over a situation. Like you I didn't really understand what had gone wrong, why I needed an EMCS etc. Mental health support for mothers in the first year is a priority on the NHS so might be good to talk to someone earlier rather than later, try to get a birth debrief and maybe just spend some time writing down what happened and reflecting on it (it is meant to help you to process it). Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

IamCarcass Tue 24-May-16 21:56:34

What a hideous experience you poor thing giving birth is stressful at the best of times in do sorry you had this difficult experience.
You could and should complain via pals, also worth contacting the supervisor of midwives to go through what happened. Hopefully someone will be along with more accurate advice about the company's procedure.

sepa Tue 24-May-16 21:59:22

I have heard about birth debrief before. How do I go about getting one? Do I have to visit the hospital for this as I'm not sure I am ready to go back there yet

CakeNinja Tue 24-May-16 22:00:14

I don't really know what to say.
It sounds like a very slow start to your labour and then a very speedy end.
You have a healthy baby and bfing hasn't worked out for you.
I hope you manage to put this behind you and begin to look forward to life with your child.
You can't really plan the birth of a baby, it will never happen the way you want to, but the desired end result is always a live healthy baby which you have.

When I had dc3 the maternity ward were full to the brim with 3 sets of twins being delivered! I didn't have a bed until 10 minutes before he was born, didn't manage to have a bath or shower for 6 hours, just before they sent me home, because they were so full, and didn't have a pillow on my bed. No bfing support. Staff were as accommodating as they could be, but they were obviously running at full capacity and needed the bed vacated as soon as possible! All in all, it was a shambles, but I have a good family support network and had had 2 DC previously so had to rely on my own precious experiences.

Hopefully someone else has come on in the meantime to offer some more supportive words as because I can see it's horrible for you, that it's obviously playing on your mind, for me, I got the baby at the end and got the hell out of there and that was enough for me. It doesn't sound as though it's enough for you. flowers brew cake

Myusernameismyusername Tue 24-May-16 22:01:23

I had a crappy birth the first time and did not BF. I remember coming home from hospital and sitting on my bed and trying in secret to get her to latch on with not a clue what I was doing.
What helped me was seeing my health visitor who was lovely but I know not everyone is as lucky.
My DD was very small and grew very slowly and I felt like it was my fault all the time but now she is nearly 14 and we are so close - not BF didn't ruin our bond, and I don't think it's had any terrible long lasting affect.
You can bond just as well with a bottle baby and you haven't let her down, but the hospital really don't sound supportive.
Write to their PALS department - all feedback is good after all, and it might help them review their services for another mum

Myusernameismyusername Tue 24-May-16 22:03:54

My induction by the way was equally ridiculous and I was left so long with broken waters I had to stay in for three days for 2 hour obs on me and the baby.
During my IV to start labour they turned it up too high etc risk of rupture, was a disaster
but my second labour was amazing, and I have lovely memories of that

sepa Tue 24-May-16 22:04:31

She is definitely enough for me and I am so happy that she is here and she is well. I just don't want the birth hanging over me as it seems to be. I'm not sure why I am unable to move past it but it's happening and I don't want it to be.

Headofthehive55 Tue 24-May-16 22:05:46

It's just not how you had hoped. I think we all get a picture in our heads of a perfect easy birth, contented well happens, for some, some of the time.
Some babies feed well, some get born easily. I don't think it's anything to do with the mum at all! I've had difficult birth and ridiculously easy one. I didn't do anything different!

As for the midwives, they all have their theories as to why this might help or that...trouble is the baby hasn't read that book of theories....

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 24-May-16 22:10:33

YANBU to feel upset. Your experience wasn't good enough. You must try to let go of your sadness about BFing though. Your DC will be just fine and you are giving them everything they can. I think the danger of BFing being so heavily promoted is that when it isn't possible (or chosen, for that matter) mothers feel judged. I very much wanted to BF and got there in the end - but only because my auntie was a midwife and came round in the middle of the night when I was desperate, three or four days in, and gave me the support that hospitals can't back their promotion of BFing up with. Without that I wouldn't have been able to do it and you are simply unlucky in that respect.

zoobeedoo Tue 24-May-16 22:10:54

Had an awful pregnancy and birth first time, was traumatised, ptsd diagnosis. Swore I would never have another it was so awful. Now pregnant with number two. You do forget. Your brain makes you, as a coping strategy. I only thought about it over the following years if someone asked me what had happened. When I had my midwife appt for this one, the anxiety all came back but she was very supportive and agreed an elective section straight away so I feel fine now about the birth. Give yourself time.

Butttons Tue 24-May-16 22:10:58

As PPs have said, get in touch with PALS - they should be able to advise you.

Your baby is still only very young, 9 weeks may not be too late to start bf'ing again if you really want to - can you meet with an IBCLC?

This too shall pass

sepa Tue 24-May-16 22:12:43

Unless the hospital had a lot of planned c-sec then it wasn't busy they day I left as there was 4 beds free on my ward alone. When I went back the next day to pick up some medication there was still 2 beds free in the ward

Dancingbea Tue 24-May-16 22:13:25

You poor thing. I had an awful first birth that still makes me tearful 10 years on. I perservered with the breastfeeding because I though ff was bad and wrong - how I wish I'd started it earlier, I would have had a much happier baby much sooner. Please be kind to yourself, get a debrief, and don't feel bad about the feeding.

pitterpatterrain Tue 24-May-16 22:13:35

At the time you are now I was too raw to consider birth debrief. Time has helped. I thought everyone had a shitty experience and was clinging on to "at least we are ok". flowers

Currently pregnant with DC2 and it has brought a lot of emotional memories back. I have changed hospital and maternity team and so far this has really helped. They have helped me realise it was actually a bad experience and given me some level of confidence that this time it can be better.

AliceInHinterland Tue 24-May-16 22:14:37

Your health visitor should be able to tell you if you can get a debrief on the birth. If you can, they review your notes with you, and I'm sure you could ask to wait a few weeks or months until you're ready.
I know people have the best intentions when they say it, but the outcome of having a healthy baby can sometimes feel very separate from the trauma of the experience itself, which is very complex - if you felt like yours and your baby's life were in danger at the time that will leave emotional scars.
I was in two car crashes where I was completely unharmed but the slightest hint of a skid can leave me feeling very very panicky, for example.
Your feelings won't be helped by your disappointment at not being able to breastfeed I'm sure.
I do believe that talking about it to people who would really listen and not just say 'all's well that ends well' does help.

SpiritedLondon Tue 24-May-16 22:15:05

I had a horrible birth and found the experience on the ward afterwards very difficult. A friend also had a similar experience in the same hospital. I felt very distressed afterwards and found it difficult to move on emotionally from the event. I should have complained but felt a bit overwhelmed with a new baby etc etc. A year later I had reason to meet with a psychologist ( in relation to a work matter not personal). She had also had a horrible birth experience and explained that I had been experience trauma as a result of what I had gone through. I had never heard of birth trauma and didn't know that it was a recognised thing. She felt so strongly about it that she was leaving her job and was setting up her own practice to specialise in treatment of other women who had experienced this. You're not over-reacting OP, it is a real issue and there is help out there if you think you need it. I wish I'd known about this sort of help when my DD was 9 weeks. Good luck.

SpunnyFoonerism Tue 24-May-16 22:15:31

Look, yanbu, a bad birth experience is a bad birth experience but please just allow me to put it in perspective for you.

I had a short - roughly three hour - labour. After (officially) eleven minutes of extreme pain I gave birth to my healthy baby boy. Then he took his first breath and the ordeal began.

You see there was meconium in the waters, not a big deal in fact my daughter was born with meconium also blocking her airways, but this time a lack of amniotic fluid meant that the meconium was infinitely more concentrated and the mideived couldn't clear his airways. At one day old he was airlifted to Sweden for specialist ECMO treatment. This is a process that removes the blood via one tube, oxygenates it and returns it to the body via another tube.

He was expected to be there for maybe three weeks but got better so quickly that he was back in the country after a week. After a further three weeks in icu in our country he was finally discharged.

Now, currently, tonight he is back in hospital for a blood transfusion.

I couldn't breastfeed either. They started him on bottles in the hospital because they were just so desperate for him to feed at all that there was literally one breastfeeding session with a specialist and then no further help. I do feel awful (tingling boobs definitely dont help) but we have to focus on the fact that he's here at all and have to make amends with the fact that he didn't arrive in approximately the way which we'd have liked.

So, op, focus on the positives because not a damn thing in this life is guaranteed so if you don't count your blessings you might go insane!!

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 24-May-16 22:15:39

9 weeks is very early days so you are not at all being unreasonable to still be upset about this flowers. Giving birth can be hugely traumatic.

AliceInHinterland Tue 24-May-16 22:21:48

Spunny I'm so sorry to hear your story, it sounds horrendous - I think it's helpful to have some perspective but we also need to understand that it's all relative and we can't just 'switch on' perfect mental health because other people are going through much worse experiences. It's better to have solidarity with each other than say 'you shouldn't feel this because...'
Obviously I wish you and your family all the best in these extraordinarily trying times.

CakeNinja Tue 24-May-16 22:23:07

Bloody hell spunny, hope the transfusion goes well, how old is he?

missymayhemsmum Tue 24-May-16 22:30:03

You had a shockingly bad experience - no wonder you feel upset and angry. Fortunately it has ended well and you and your baby are healthy.
You could ask for your notes and a meeting with the supervisor of midwives or PALS. You might help them improve for the next woman and baby as well as helping you to get your head round what happened. Can you talk to your GP?

GoodStuffAnnie Tue 24-May-16 22:35:44

I couldn't bf my first baby. Similar crazy birth story. Here's what I remember.

Everyone is obsessed with bfeeding at the moment. By 4 to 5 months everyone talks about weaning. Broccoli this carrots that. Be the best weaning mum in town. Get these

Get an annabel kamel book get some fancy packed lunch Tupperware equipment. Be organic lady. Lots of people will stop bfeeding at this point.

Then everyone is obsessed with walking, talking.

I am currently obsessed with football teams and reading levels. It never ends! Soon it'll be sexting etc etc.....

I went on to bf babies 2 and 3 which was cathartic. I also got a private lactation consultant to help. I couldn't have done it without her. I also had a birth de brief.

The trauma and disappointment won't last forever. It really won't. Just take it a day at a time. Congrats on the baby.

Igottastartthinkingbee Tue 24-May-16 22:35:54

Sounds like you had a rubbish experience OP. But you're only 9 weeks in, don't be too hard on yourself. Having a baby is a massive event whether it goes well or not and it takes some getting over. I had a very traumatic birth (in a completely different way) with Dc1 and thought I'd never have another child because it was so much to go through. We were lucky that both DS and I got through it alive and both of us remained in hospital for weeks after. It took months to process it and to feel ok it, and DC1 now has a sibling. So i guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry that you're sad/angry/upset that the birth didn't go well, childbirth can be a shit experience in so many different ways - I don't know many people who've not had a bad time of it one way or another. You will get over it in time. And remember that you both came through in one piece which is the most important thing.

Tallulahoola Tue 24-May-16 22:42:25

You have had an awful experience and I think your care has been pretty substandard. On top of that you had to see your DC being resuscitated - this happened to me and two years later I was still bursting into tears every time I thought about it. I hated thinking about the birth because it was so traumatic and I definitely had a kind of PTSD.

What helped me was having a review with a senior midwife. At my hospital it was called a birth reflections clinic I think. Just going over everything with a sympathetic person from the hospital changed my mindset a lot.

I had bf problems with DD (partly due to the circumstances of the birth) so mostly formula fed her and felt miserable about it. But I shouldn't have felt bad at all and after a couple of months I realised that and ended up being really happy about the formula because she wasn't putting on enough weight otherwise. I bf my next child and there has been no difference in bonding - all a baby cares about is having a full tummy and they couldn't care less what kind of milk it is. If you are there holding them while they feed then they get the same lovely feeling of security from you that they would if you were breastfeeding x

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