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about DH taking DD (18mo) abroad on his own for five days

(129 Posts)
basicallyobviously Tue 24-May-16 21:12:04

Since dd was born, DH and I have had quite defined roles. I have taken care of her at home and DH has worked and brought money in. I've been the one to get up in the night, see her through all the illnesses, organise all clothes, food, activities etc.

DH has been an okay, if frequently absent, Dad. He doesn't know what she likes to eat, where her clothes are, and he is not well versed in the way she communicates. She is happy when she is with him for the shorter bursts of time that she spends, but I know that she is happier with me generally (just at this point in her life - I fully expect this to change in the future!)

Normally he is too busy to take her, but he has surprised me by telling me he wants to visit his family soon for five days and he wants to take her with him. I cannot go because I have a family issue in this country which I need to deal with.

It all seems a good balance of parenting on the surface and maybe I can also attribute it to the fact that now she is older and more talkative he feels he has a better chance at bonding with her (as opposed to her being EBF and attached to me). However... I have a really strong niggle that he will just dump DD with MIL/aunt (who DD doesn't know) and go off to do his own thing. I'm also aware that MIL has been pressuring him to bring DD with him because she wants to see her (perfectly fine of course, but that is pretty guaranteed childcare.)

On the flipside it could be a really good wake-up call for him about how relentless it is to care for and entertain a toddler day and night - something which he has no idea of. But am I taking too much of a risk by letting her go and hoping his baptism of fire is a success?!

Also, a part of me is in total denial that it could happen. There has not been a day of her life where she has not seen me. And to be suddenly whisked off abroad for five days and out of her normal routine might be scary for her.

Am I being PFB? AIBU?

Wolfiefan Tue 24-May-16 21:14:22

Can he go for a shorter time? Can you join him for a bit!

Tryingtostayyoung Tue 24-May-16 21:17:52

This absolutely sounds like the sort of issue me and DH would have. On one hand as you've said they'll have bonding time, he'll get to see how hard it is, she'll get to see family and also you'll get some time to yourself but on the other I would find it very hard to not see DD for 5 days because I have seen her everyday. I think you've got tbh with him, ask if his intention is to spend it with her or to just leave her with family. Surely he could understand your anxiety and wanting to know what his plans are and then maybe go from there?

Lasourisverte Tue 24-May-16 21:21:26

I know exactly how you feel as dh and I are in similar roles. He has however taken our DD to spend time with his family and it was fine. Mil did all the childcare but she enjoyed it and DD didn't seem to mind (although I felt a bit weird about this).

I would let them go and advise that you make sure DD gets some skype in with her paternal family before they go so she isn't overwhelmed by seeing them.

I know you will be feeling weird about it though. Dh took DD away a few weeks ago and I kept crying during the week beforehand. A bit pfb but I couldn't help it!

NoCakeLeft Tue 24-May-16 21:22:34

I wouldn't allow it.

Baconyum Tue 24-May-16 21:23:42

Yea as lasour is pondering I think, won't there be other adults who are also family to help?

Oly5 Tue 24-May-16 21:23:49

Let them go! Don't be silly and don't deny MIL the chance of seeing her granddaughter.
Just write a lot of lists - what she eats when etc.
I know you'll fret but I think it would be a good thing for everyone
It's only five days

Jimjamjoos Tue 24-May-16 21:25:48

I think it's too long a period of time. You will miss each other too much sad

foursillybeans Tue 24-May-16 21:27:13

The main problem I can see is that your DH would think he had looked after DD for four days and be convinced it's easy whereas in actual fact he had dumped her on female relatives and done very little hands on parenting.

Nanny0gg Tue 24-May-16 21:27:31

I wouldn't do it.

5 days is a long time for a toddler not to see their primary carer.

OurBlanche Tue 24-May-16 21:28:22

Wouldn't allow it? Really?

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 21:29:18

I think you'll find it harder than she will.

I think you should let him take her. It will be good for them to have time together, and it will be lovely for MIL to see her granddaughter. If he struggles, well, he'll have plenty of family to help him out and maybe he'll come back with some appreciation for what you do.

Out of interest, why is happy to be such an absent father? sad Working is fine, but nobody works 24/7, 7 days a week. Does he never take her out on the weekend or to soft play or anything like that?

Lasourisverte Tue 24-May-16 21:30:17

Yes what I'm trying to say is that she will be fine - you should let them go. I don't think it's fair to tell your dh he can't take his DD to see his family because you can't go too. But I do understand that it will be hard for you; just try to plan lots of nice activities and have a rest. Dd will no doubt have lots of fun and then be delighted to see you when they get back.

bridgetoc Tue 24-May-16 21:30:19

Let them go OP. It's tough for you to be separated from DD but you need to get over that.

Libitina Tue 24-May-16 21:30:48

Allow? Let?

I can't believe posters are saying this!

FabFiveFreddie Tue 24-May-16 21:31:59

Risk of what? What are you worried about? She may well miss you but she's 18mo, she will be with her dad and other people who love her, she will be absolutely fine (as long as you don't Skype her - don't, whatever you do, so that). She's old enough to "suffer" being with her other parent.

So yes, I think you are being a little PFB. Take the time to do something for yourself, make the most of the break!

AndNowItsSeven Tue 24-May-16 21:32:53

It's her dad you are being ridiculous.

LosingTheWillToSkate Tue 24-May-16 21:33:17

He's her dad, not a stranger!

Have you never considered that you may well shut him out of things because you're settled into your role of being primary carer?

Would you have issue with you taking her abroad for 5 days? If yes then you have a point here. If no then you need to get a grip!

SprogletsMum Tue 24-May-16 21:37:06

My dd is 18 months and we have similar roles to you, there's no way dd would allow her dad to take her anywhere for 5 days without me.
She's mega clingy, total mummy's girl though. It's not through lack of trying on my part but she just will not settle for anyone but me.
You know your dd best and if you think she'll cope ok and be happy then enjoy your 5 days of freedom!

Eeeek686 Tue 24-May-16 21:40:32

Yabu (although totally understandably) apart from what foursilly said, which will totally and absolutely happen!

PedantPending Tue 24-May-16 21:43:35

And you have a child because?

waterrat Tue 24-May-16 21:44:22

My 18 month old would have hated this I have to say. She wpuld have been looking round for me all the time.

If mum is primary carer it is reasonable to say a pre verbal toddler wold be confused and sad to suddenly go a week without them
It is even more likely to be confusing as it's not in a familiar environment.

I wouldn't do it. And of course you can use the word allow ...The mum is able to say no just as the father can.

NapQueen Tue 24-May-16 21:45:03

How much of him not doing stuff is you not allowing it? Or thinking you know the best way?

waterrat Tue 24-May-16 21:45:30

Surely better to start with a couple of days of you leaving them at home while you have a night off ?

waterrat Tue 24-May-16 21:46:13

Or cpuld he go for shorter trip

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