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To be really angry about this even though it doesn't effect me

(42 Posts)
Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 15:24:10

Dp has a DD who is in long-term foster care.
Long story short:
Had DD when he was 16, with his ex, call her A
Relationship broke down after a yea, contact between C and DP going fine until A gets new boyfriend. Stops contact. Has 2 more children with new partner
DP applies for contact etc through court, this takes about 2 years, constant delays and fact finding thingies etc.
Meanwhile C and other 2 get taken into care. neglect and abuse. Have read the paperwork and it's really fucked up. this woman is borderline evil.
Lots more court stuff as children are now in care, DP gets told C can live with him, but limited no contact with A, other 2 placed for adoption.
C didn't ever end up living with DP on recommendation of SS, basically, C didn't remember DP and had only heard lies about him from A. A referred to him as "bad daddy" and lied A LOT.
Contact between C and A reduced as A kept telling C that if she speaks to dp, she will never be able to see or live with A again.
Dp was having contact with C, but this was always veryo bviously stressful for C. DP agreed to C being placed for adoption after a year of contact getting nowhere nd only distressing C- Basicaly she could never live with A and didn't want to live with DP after what A had said about him. Adoption seemed the only way she would have a stable life not in constant foster placements etc. The main reason DP agreed to this is that it would mean that A would no lognger have contact with C.

Fast foward to now, C hasn't been adopted due to a lot of issues she has. A still has contact, DP doesn't. A is in long ter mfoster care and happy with where she lives, dp gets updates etc.

DP gets a letter the other month saying that as the adoption order is no longer in place, instead it's long term foster care, A is now appealing or something and wants A to live with her. SS tell DP that this is pretty certainly never going to happen, they can;t stop her going to court but there is no way A will live with her and they actually want to mae contact even less.

Now, every time i think or hear of this woman i get so angry. that poor girl, her poor silbings, this woman barely even gives a shit.

DP was told basically that no he can't have contact, he doesn't want to take it to court or force C to do anything she doesn't want to but he feels SS could have done a lot more to encourage C and his relationship in the first place after the courts agreed that C could live with him. They didn't even inform him when they took the children into care in the first place, he found out because of the other court stuff but they didn't contact him at all before they were taken into care.

this whole situation sometimes really gets to me, and it doesn't even have anything to do with me, other than that C is DS's silbing and one day we're going to have to explain all this to him.

She's had ANOTHER dc too. The woman is a twat.

I don't know what to say or do to help DP, other than atleast she has had the same foster family for 5 years and they seem really nice, but i just don't know what i would do if DS was off living with another family and i couldn't see him

Farandole Tue 24-May-16 15:39:56

this whole situation sometimes really gets to me

No wonder OP. Your DP abandoned his child and put them up for adoption I'd be upset too.

Btw the OP reads like you are only giving one side of the story. I don't for a minute believe your DP is a completely innocent bystander.

honeysucklejasmine Tue 24-May-16 15:46:11

Let's hope these so called reforms of the fostering and adoption sector prevent this sort of thing from happening again

Also, why are some people on Mumsnet so obsessed with the idea that a mother can do no wrong? Arseholes come in both sexes.

Farandole Tue 24-May-16 15:54:36

I'm not saying the mother can do no wrong, but if SS intervened to prevent the DF from getting custody, I'm assuming that's because the father wasn't quite the perfect parent.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 15:54:47

I have read all the paperwork and spoken to social workers about it. I know the whole story.
DP wasn't perfect, no, but for a 16 year old actually he did as best as he could. Certainly not evil and manipulative like ex, hence why C was allowed by court to live with DP and the other two children who weren't his were placed for adoption.
He has made mistakes definitely, but not evil ones

So what would you have had him do? C was distressed by contact with him. This girl hadn't seen him since she was 2 and had been told proven lies about DP. She had been subjected to neglect and sexual abuse.
He could have, technically, just went and picked her up and taken her to his house but who the fuck that to a child? and i'm sure if he did that SS wouldn;t have been ecstatic. Courts said yes, SS said not yet, basically.
His options basically were to drag it out longer (for her!) in the hope that they could build a relationship, whilst she gets moved from one place to another, which would have been mostly just to benefit him, or agree to adoption and she gets a chance of living in one place, and access to the help and stable environment she needed.

Canyouforgiveher Tue 24-May-16 15:57:05

Your DP abandoned his child and put them up for adoption I'd be upset too.

I think you posted on the wrong thread because this is nothing remotely like what the OP posted. If you would like to tell the OP she is a liar, go ahead. if you by some bizarre magical ability, actually know what went on in this case for real, do share. Otherwise why not respond to the actual post or not post at all.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 16:06:42

I'm not lying, what would be the point in that?
No one stopped dp having contact other than A. SS were giving dp contact whilst c was in care, c had very complex issues and you don't just hand over kids to parents they've never met and have only heard about negatively from their mother. Contact was getting nowhere to improve their relationship, it just wasn't. It was distressing C. She still believed that the reason she couldn't live with A was because of DP. She was scared! SS couldn't place c for adoption as the courts had ordered that she be eventually returned to dp. The only way legally for C to have the best chance to live somewhere stable and long term was for dp to agree to adoption.
This little girl was going through a lot of uncertainty and if the adoption would have happened would have been for the best chance for c as far as dp could tell.

MrsDeVere Tue 24-May-16 16:07:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 16:07:32

Sorry, not never met- but don't remember. She didn't remember ever living with him and she called new bf dad

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrogFairy Tue 24-May-16 16:08:59

Now that this poor little girl has been deemed too damaged for adoption, she seems destined to grow up in the care system.

Would it be worth approaching SS again to see if with counselling you could gradually build up a relationship. I am not sure how long it has been since you had dealings with SS, but assuming it has been a while. Your DP is more mature now and has a stable family life with you. Perhaps they will be more supportive. I really hope you can do something to help her be part of your family.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere Tue 24-May-16 16:13:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 16:15:58

C is staying with the same foster family and will be staying there long term, they are very nice and send dp pictures through SS occasionally.
That is the only plus side really, that she has that family rather than constant different fc and homes etc.
I think dp does want contact but is too scared of upsetting C and disrupting her life.

MatrixReloaded Tue 24-May-16 16:18:03

This sounds like parental alienation syndrome , an extreme form of emotional abuse where one parent turns the child against the other. Children can end up brainwashed. Social services could and should have done more to help .

It's not too late to complain or to try again.

Nuggy2013 Tue 24-May-16 16:21:43

Does he attend LAC meetings? Who is the child's advocate and solicitor? There are quite a few avenues he could pursue in respect of contact and with respect SS do not have a final say. Expert witnesses, the court and ultimately the child's views will contribute massively to him not having contact. Can he try and rectify the contact arrangements even if non direct? Is this something he is willing to pursue? If a final adoption order has not been made, your DP still had parental responsibility.

Birdsgottafly Tue 24-May-16 16:22:24

""that poor girl, her poor silbings, this woman barely even gives a shit. ""this woman is borderline evil""

I was a CP SW and it's rare that it that simple.

It's telling that the children didn't have any other family members to be placed with from either side.

Even if she had of went for adoption, given her age and the fact that she knows she's got Siblings, it wouldn't have given her quite the stability your DH thinks it would have.

You've got to consider how effective your anger is and how damaging it is and find ways to get past your anger.

WannaBe Tue 24-May-16 16:22:50

How old is this child?

It's very easy to state that the father should have waded in and pursued her living with him etc, but given he didn't actually have any kind of a relationship with her in her formative years it really isn't that simple.If she has grown up in the same long-term foster placement then it's possible she has an attachment to her long-term foster carers and moving her back to live with family she doesn't know and has been brought up to fear could well be detrimental to her wellbeing.

I agree that perhaps letterbox contact could be pursued at this point, but your DP would need to speak to SS.

Also, WRT him agreeing to the adoption, for those criticising this decision, adoption would give the child a permanent family whereas foster care, even long-term foster care can be unstable. As he wasn't going to be granted residency due to him not having a relationship with the child allowing her to be adopted would in fact be a way for him to assure her stability in the future iyswim. It may even have been the foster carers who wanted to adopt her, thus ensuring continuity.

FWIW I know of a case where a child was taken into care due to abuse and neglect by both parents although the father was considered the perpetrator. The mother would never have regained residency but refused to allow the child to be adopted by his long-term FC meaning he grew up feeling he had no real identity. Sometimes allowing the child to move forward is the selfless thing to do.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly Tue 24-May-16 16:32:57

""The abuser's/those who enabled the abuser's are usully along the line of "she deserved it/was asking for it/(insert lame bullshit excuse here) which is hardly a side, just a showing off of cuntness""

I've only seen the minimising of abuse, by the enabler, usually because of abuse in their own background, or some other type of 'disordered thinking' going on.

The Parents caught up in the CP process, nearly always have their own back story of being very damaged along the way.

""I think dp does want contact""

Unless you know for sure, let it drop, this girl doesn't need letting down one more time.

I've had personsal experience of, now adult, previously fostered children getting back in touch with half Siblings (your child) and it doesn't go well without support, so it's something that you will have to handle, in the future.

I've also know Foster placements to end, when the payments do.

There's lots of possible endings to this, tbh.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 16:46:21

No, DP wouldn't let her down. The only reason he is unsure about contact is that he doesn't really know if it's in the best interests of c.
He did try really hard, went to every parenting course they suggested etc but the relationship was non existent and she believed the things a had told her. As far as c was concerned, dp wasn't her dad, well she knew he was her dad but notnin any real sensr. she had a "dad" who abused her. Probably another reason she didn't want to go and live with a man she doesn't remember or trust.
There I'd also the worry that when she is 16 she will live with A, and I am not joking when I say the woman is close to evil.
Psychology reports went like this:
Doesn't show any real emotions, pretends to wipe tears that aren't there.
Very manipulative and false seeming,
Constant lying that doesn't add up. Uses sex to get own way (tried to sleep with a social worker as it happens)
Shows no remorse even after admitting to lying. Etc etc no remorse or emotion towards childrens history, just fake crying.

It's actually quite chilling tbh
She sounds like a psychopath of some sort to me.

MrsDeVere Tue 24-May-16 16:56:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 17:00:48

As usual, the man must have done something wrong hmm why does nobody on here ever seem to believe that sometimes it can be the mother's fault?!

Abbinob it seems like your DP did all he could - he was 16 years old, probably pretty immature and terrified of having a child. And to expect him to look after a child who had sadly been abused and neglected? The poor boy didn't really stand a chance. I feel very sorry for him and for C.

Hopefully, with therapy, C might come to realise how damaging her mum was and that her dad was a victim too. Could your DP leave the door open, or write to her maybe? Not to pressure her into replying but to let her know he's thinking of her and that he would like to have a relationship in the future if that's what she wants?

The whole thing sounds horribly sad. YANBU to be angry. It does affect you because it must be affecting your DP - poor man.

Abbinob Tue 24-May-16 17:08:29

I don't act angry about it.
She has done lot of evil things- to go into detail, C was sent to nursery wearing a sanitary towel, A told nursery that she had been to the GP and C had started her period early.
Obviously she never took her to the doctors and that wasn't what had happened at all. This is when SS got involved properly.
She told C that the reason she was in care was because she didn't keep the place clean and look after her siblings properly. a little girl ffs!

No remorse for any of this

MrsDeVere Tue 24-May-16 17:13:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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