Left out(210 Posts)
This isn't really an AIBU, more a rant but I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe some of you can help rationalise it for me.
I have a group of friends from university. For the last five years we have all gone to an event together, related to a hobbie we all did together at uni. The even happens around the same dates every year, and is a really big deal to attend. It takes place over a number of days so generally people camp or stay in a hotel for a night or two.
Last year, the whole group apart from a few of us (the few including me) organised accommodation without telling the few of us who were left out. I think this may genuinely have been down to miscommunication and been a mistake, and it was easily resolvable as us "left outers" organised accommodation amongst ourselves.
However, this year, I have found out that all the others have booked into a hotel together without telling me, including someone I consider to be one of my closest friends. I have asked her and she claims innocence and that she was just going along not realising I was left out, but I think she is just saying that to placate me.
I'm really upset and don't really understand how this can have happened two years in a row, especially when we spoke about it after last year, that it wasn't nice for anyone to be left out.
I feel really hurt and I don't really know what to say to any of them, especially my close friend. AIBU to not know how to act or what to say in this situation?
OP I would also be really hurt by this, more so with the friend you consider as close as it seems like you were just forgotten about whether it was on purpose or not, either way is probably as bad as the other. I am quite a sensitive person so I try not to have too many expectations when it comes to friends and I think that everyone gets left out at some point.
That is bad juju from the girl you consider to be close with.
She should have made sure you weren't left out.
Yeah, the thing is last year I was ok, for precisely those reasons. But two years in a row just seems like it can't be accedental or coincidental
I feel like the group would rather I wasn't part of it at all...
I think if you feel like that then you should say something to them all, that's what I would do because I think if I felt like that I would be moving on from them anyway so I'd think I have nothing to lose.
It's a good point Trying, and I'm tempted. The thing is, what prompted my "close friend" to inform me, was me sending a group message to everyone saying that we should make arrangements for the event this year! So far nobody has even replied to the message as I guess they are all to embarrassed/awkward, so I feel really humiliated that everyone knew except me. I kind of feel like sending another message will just be even more embarrassing....
One more message:
So, given the thunderous silence, am I to assume that, for some unfathomable reason, you have all decided I am, again, not invited? Could someone please do the adult thing: contact me and tell me what it is you have all decided? If it is to cut contact with me for some reason you all know but have neglected to tell me, have the courage of your convictions... tell me!
How would this sound:
Hey guys, this is really awkward because I don't really know if what's happened is a mistake or deliberate. I just wanted to let you all know that I find it really hurtful that you have organised event name and left me out, especially after the same thing happened last year and at different event that happened in January where a similar thing happened. I know it's easy to miss people out when you are busy and just want to get something sorted, but as this is the third time I'm wondering if there is a hint that I should be getting that maybe you just don't want me there... Perhaps you could let me know. I don't want to be imposing myself upon you if that is the case. Hopefully this is all just a misunderstanding, although it has happened enough times now that I'm not so sure about that.
Hmmmm I like your message ourblanche, better than my attempt anyway!
I think my response would depend on what exactly close friend had said when telling you it was already booked, e.g. Is there any option for adding you to the booking and who was the organiser?
To be honest I wouldn't say anything and would back away from this group. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like a mistake to me. The close friend surely would have mentioned it if she thought you had booked, even if it was to chat about it casually and not about arrangements. Last year's exclusion was also planned I imagine. I would hide them on Facebook (if you have it) so you don't have to watch their build up to the event and find myself a new group of friends.
I think you should ask if it was deliberate. I'd always rather know than be left in the dark, or keep investing my time in one-sided friendships. I hope there's a reasonable explanation but it doesn't look good- I'm sorry OP
Probably doesn't apply, so don't take offence, but it seems only fair to ask - are you choosy about accommodation? Do you stump up required money promptly? Do you make decisions when necessary? Do you niggle about cost splitting (fairly or otherwise?).
Just worth pondering whether there is a reason you're making yourself 'hard to do business with' ...
I'm not 100% sure I am the only one, but 8 hotel spaces were booked so it is certainly the majority invited. I know who organised it but I don't know how much input from the rest of the group she had. And no, there is definitely no chance at all for me to be added at such a late stage.
Whitney I am super easy to do business with, willing to slum it anywhere, camp, share beds etc, will be ther person to add the extra fiver when the restaurant bill doesn't quite add up, and am always one of the first to pay up in these kind of circumstances.
In fact last year they all stayed in "glamping" options whilst us few left outers squeezed into a tiny self-pitched tent...
Yep, down to a message then - what have you got to lose?
I like ourblanche's text ......I would send that
Then send my message - or similar - and if any other pop up who have been hiding, too embarrassed to ask why they aren't invited, get together, give yourselves a daft name that will fit in with the event (Those That Cool Forgot, or something) and go together.
Or fb the even and ask for a lift, etc etc. Don't just roll over though. If they have decided you are on the outs, just ignore their petty antics, have stern words with that 'best friend' though, and move on with your dignity intact.
God, how mean and spineless. I would send this:
Ladies, having left me out of the arrangements to go to
Hell in a Handcart once again, could one of you please let me know why? We are all adults after all and this feels hurtful...... Thanks,
Op, that is not nice.
I would definitely have another word with "best friend" as well.....
Are the people who were left out last year now included in the group? It sounds really odd.
Before sending a group message I would have one more chat with your friend. Tell her that you don't understand what's going on and ask her, as your friend, to be honest with you. If the rest of the group have decided that they don't want you there you would much rather know so that you can bow out gracefully.
Have you had any kind of altercation with the group organiser, and is it the same person who organised the glamping last year? Are these people who you meet up with throughout the year or do you just come together for this event? Is it possible that the others didn't know you were left out until you sent your email?
I would want to know the details, but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to things like this.
The grown up and sensible thing to do would be to leave it, but I imagine you are hurt and want an explanation. Unfortunately you rarely get a satisfactory conclusion to situations like these.
Find yourself a new circle of friends who appreciate you!
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