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To have asked exh to collect ds early?

(77 Posts)
januaryblues11 Tue 24-May-16 12:22:00

On Friday night, ds had a sickness bug. He woke up at 3.30 vomiting, and it went on until 6. During this time, he was very well looked after by me and dp.

A bit of background - I suffer emetophobia, which is a fear of vomit. It's pretty crippling. It's because of this that I share custody of ds (5) with exh. It means that I only spend half of my week panicking at night rather than the whole week. However this also leads me to constantly feel like I'm letting my boy down. My exh frequently tells me I am an unfit mother because of my phobia. Me and my boy love each other very much.

My dp has 3 kids who spend every other Saturday and Sunday with us. Because ds was being sick into Saturday morning I called exh in the morning and asked that he pick him up and keep for the rest of the weekend so that dps kids didn't get it. One of his children is diabetic so stomach bugs can be dangerous.

My exh went crazy calling me a terrible mother and how could he trust me with ds when I can't look after him when he's sick? I told him he'd stopped being sick and that it was to make sure dps dd wasn't exposed but he said that it wasn't his problem and he didn't give a shit if the kid got ill.

He did eventually collect ds but told me he's taking my overnights with ds away because of it. It's the first time in 3 years I've asked that ds be picked up. I get 2 to 3 nights a week with ds and they mean everything to me. Do I deserve to lose them over this?

FeckinCrutches Tue 24-May-16 12:27:05

You need to get help with your problem. You're only seeing your son 2 nights a week because of something that can be sorted?

user1464088152 Tue 24-May-16 12:29:34

I have tried to get help more timed in my life than I can count. I've had this phobia since a child.

I don't just see ds 2 nights a week I have him most days as well.

BrexitJones Tue 24-May-16 12:32:12

I have emetopgobia although I have it pretty under control right now thanks to hypnotherapy and CBT. I'm sorry but YABU. You need to get your phobia sorted. It's a bit shit to pack your DS off out of the house when he's poorly TBH.

Your argument with the step siblings is weak. Kids pick up bugs from each other all the time. Presumably they're still going to school and being exposed to all sorts?

We don't pack DSD back to her mum's every time she's ill. That would just be mean.

lem73 Tue 24-May-16 12:34:17

You asked that your ds be picked up early so your dp's children don't get sick? You can't blame your phobia on that.You're basically prioritising someone else's child. Your poor little ds.

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 24-May-16 12:36:15

Presumably your ex knew you had this phobia when you decided to have a baby?

However, it does sound frustrating that you have asked him to collect so that your partners child doesn't catch it, he's right that that has nothing to do with him.

If one of the resident children has a sickness bug or nasty virus thingy, then DSS' mum is given as much notice as possible and the final call is hers on if she's happy to risk it, she also has a toddler at home so she appreciates the heads up.

Can you visit your gp with a list of things you've already tried and see if there's anything else you can try?

BillSykesDog Tue 24-May-16 12:38:58

I think you need to get some help with your problem as well.

I think he's unreasonable to take away your overnights over this. But I don't think he's wrong to be furious and I think he's absolutely right that DPs DDs health issues are not his problem. Why did DS have to go rather than her coming? Why was the only alternative returning him to his Dad?

There was a post last week about a father objecting to having to stay off work because his child was ill during 'his' time and the almost unanimous verdict was that during 'his' time he was responsible for organising appropriate care for children who are ill. I think that this extends to your situation too. If you couldn't have both children in the house you needed to look at alternative arrangements and not just default to sending him back to his Dad. He is absolutely right. During 'your' time this is 'your' problem.

FeckinCrutches Tue 24-May-16 12:39:43

Well I'm assuming he's in school during the day? Can't believe you shipped him out of the house when he was poorly.

user1464088152 Tue 24-May-16 12:40:29

Yes he knew I had it. It's really rough. I've had literally everything. Exposure therapy, hypnosis, cbt, the works. There just doesn't seem to be any beating it. My dp is very understanding and he did a lot of the looking after.

I do feel guilty. I hate myself for letting this fear control my life with my ds. I worked really hard for my time with ds. I don't think I should have to lose it over one incident. That wouldn't be fair on ds who loves his time with me.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 12:41:53

You need to go to your GP and see if you can get treatment for your phobia. While it sounds horrific and I sympathise, it's not fair that it means your DS gets sent somewhere else because of it. Unfortunately dealing with vomit is part of being a parent and I really don't feel that it's fair that your ex always has to deal with the sickness part of it.

You say he's taking away your overnights - is he the resident parent then? I can understand his frustrations but his behaviour is wrong too. Having emetophobia doesn't make you a terrible parent, nor does it justify losing time with your son, BUT I do feel like you need to do everything you can to get help with it - for the sake of your DS if nothing else.

Janefromdowntheroad Tue 24-May-16 12:41:53

In the nicest possible way you need help. Even if you've tried a million times it still hasn't worked so you need to try again. And again and again until it does.

Lovewineandchocs Tue 24-May-16 12:42:14

How can he "take away" your overnights? Is contact court-ordered?

wolfwhistleme Tue 24-May-16 12:43:34

You need to keep on trying to get on top of this for the sake of your little boy. flowers

user1464088152 Tue 24-May-16 12:45:03

It's not court ordered. The fact that he is resident parent is. I suffer depression, I have done for many years and they decided it better that ds live with him. The fact that I lost my precious boy has haunted me ever since and I know he deserves better. But all exh wants is to make my life as hellish as possible then I do things like this and play into his hands.

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 24-May-16 12:48:34

This one incident doesn't sound like he's trying to make your life hell.

If he has 2 nights "off" a week and you cut that short because of a worry for someone else's child then he IS going to be pissed off I think, and you do say that's why you cut it short, not because his sickness was too much for you.

wolfwhistleme Tue 24-May-16 12:48:41

Which is why Op, you have to keep trying to overcome this phobia and not play into his hands..you CAN do it.

user1464088152 Tue 24-May-16 12:51:39

This is just one time of very many, believe me.

I know you are right. Every time my little boy asks me why he doesn't live with me it feels like I can't breathe. Then I feel like I need to punish myself and make myself suffer. Which I know isn't right and is why I can't have him full time. He's the best. So loving and forgiving. It's like pain

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 12:51:45

I have to ask, why did your DS get sent back to his dad's? If it were me it wouldn't have even be an option to send my sick child off because he was unwell. Children pick up illnesses all the time - you can't send one child away because the other has diabetes and could get ill - it's saying you value one child's health over the other other. I know you love your DS but you're not sending him a very nice message by letting your DP's DC visit but sending him to his dad's because he's not very well.

Please go back to your GP. How is your depression now? Are you on medication or recieving any kind of therapy? I don't want to sound horrible but you seem to have quite a negative view of yourself still - I hope you can get the help you need flowers

WannaBe Tue 24-May-16 12:51:45

Your eXH wants what is best for your DS. Shipping a child out of the house because of A, your inability to cope with him when he's ill and B, your need to prioritise someone else's children over him is not in his best interests.

If this was a mother posting that her eXH had texted her to pick up the kids first thing in the morning because they'd been vomiting and he A, couldn't deal with it and B, didn't want his new partner's kids to catch it she'd be told he was a waste of space.

Now, clearly you have issues of your own, but your ds shouldn't be made to pay the price for them. You need to get help with your issues rather than lash out at your ex because he is trying to do the right thing by your DS.

user1464088152 Tue 24-May-16 12:55:38

I know I was wrong. I'm my own worst enemy. I really tried in therapy but it's like I just can't be helped.

Ds is coming back to me today. I'm going to make sure he knows how much I love him.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 24-May-16 13:00:35

Have you tried CBT?

BrexitJones Tue 24-May-16 13:04:21

OP my emetophobia was so bad in my teens that I became anorexic because I was terrified of eating anything that might make me sick.

It was about an extreme a case as you can get.

But I overcame it. It took years, there wasn't a quick fix, but I managed to do it. It is possible.

You need to go back to the GP and get proper help because this is ruining your life and impacting the life of your little boy. It's not fair.

Worried12345 Tue 24-May-16 13:05:34

I don't think your DS should be turfed out of his home because his stepsiblings are coming. Children catch things and then their siblings sometimes get it, sometimes they don't. But your DS shouldn't have to make way for the non-sick children at all.
If your DH (and his ex if she knew?) is so bothered about the children catching it, then it should be him/them making compromises and rearranging when he sees his children/where he sees them. But don't make your DS leave his home because he's sick!

I have 3 children and when one of them gets sick we just carry on. Nobody gets sent away.

AugustaFinkNottle Tue 24-May-16 13:08:35

What's the effect of your emetophobia? I have it to an extent, but it's copable with on the basis that I take a deep breath, look the other way and think hard about other things. I'll probably be sick myself, but in fact once that's out of the way I cope better.

OohMavis Tue 24-May-16 13:09:14

Sorry, but I also think your ex is justified in feeling the way he does, and it sounds as though he's just looking out for your DS, which is a Good Thing.

I won't be bashing you or anything though, because it sounds like a horrible fear to live with, and it's not you - it's the phobia. You clearly love your DS very much. As painful as it is and I can't imagine it, really I can't, I think you need to let your ex take the lead with this until you can find some sort of coping mechanism.

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