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To not tell Dp about his dd shoplifting? Or to tell him. Aargh I just don't know

(23 Posts)
witchofzog Mon 23-May-16 21:05:52

I have 3 step dd's. I am not their mum and don't try to be so we have more of a friend relationship than a mother and daughter. As a result they tell me things they don't tell their parents. Middle sdd inparticular.For example she told me when she lost her virginity and when she was with an abusive boy.

This weekend we had the youngest sdd staying over who is 12 She brought with her a massive bag of makeup, much of it unopened. We had a lovely evening looking at it all and trying it. She said her mum buys her bits most weeks and as a result it has built up.

Saturday I meet the middle sdd for lunch. During our time together she told me the youngest sdd had been caught shoplifting a few months ago. The shop manager gave her the option of being barred permenantly or having parents notified. She chose option 1 and neither parent are aware.

I Suspect her vast make up collection is stolen now I know this but can't prove it. I should tell Dp about the shoplifting incident but I know it will really damage the trust all 3 girls have in me and I really don't want this. But do will be furious of he knows I have kept this from him. I wish she had never told me and I don't know what to do now. Please Help!

witchofzog Mon 23-May-16 21:07:28

Please excuse the typos. Am on my phone

Notsure1234 Mon 23-May-16 21:10:47

Ooh what a horrible position to be in.

I think I'd tell him if I were you as if it comes out that you knew it could really damage your relationship. Ultimately your loyalty lies with dp.

If the younger daughter had told you herself and the sisters didn't know so less chance of it coming out I'd say keep quiet.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 23-May-16 21:10:57

I would not say anything because I truly don't think anything good will come from it.

mmmuffins Mon 23-May-16 21:16:15

I wouldnt say anything.

Haffdonga Mon 23-May-16 21:19:14

Ask dsd3.

witchofzog Mon 23-May-16 21:23:13

It all makes sense now. We were doing up her bedroom recently and were in the shop she was barred from. Dp called her and asked her to come in and have a look at some duvet sets as she was already in town but she point blank refused and then refused to answer her phone. I thought she was just being an ungrateful mare at the time but now the penny has dropped.

Littlepeople12345 Mon 23-May-16 21:23:47

I'd tell her that her sister has told you and either she can tell her dad or you will.

Osolea Mon 23-May-16 21:27:47

Talk to her. Tell her you're on to her and that it needs to stop, and see how it goes from there. Is there any chance you could persuade her to tell her Dad herself?

witchofzog Mon 23-May-16 21:39:00

She is going through a bit of a "stage" at present and I think she will out and out deny it. I was thinking of talking to sdd2 and explaining that I will probably have to tell her dad. Sdd2 wants to be a nurse so I was thinking of saying that if sdd3 wants to do something similar in future it could damage her chances which is why it needs to be stopped now

Aeroflotgirl Mon 23-May-16 22:37:41

I would have a quiet word with her, to let her know you, know about her shoplifting. I would also keep channels of communication open, and let her know sad and yiu are there for her. That this is serious and that you will have to let her dad know.

fj3568 Mon 23-May-16 22:44:06

I had a bash at shoplifting age 11 for a dare. I stole an ice cream and got caught. The shop keeper let me go an my parents never found out thank goodness. I never did it again! Tell her you know and will tell her dad if it doesn't stop.

DuckAndPancakes Mon 23-May-16 22:51:58

I wouldn't tell him. It's potentially putting you in a really shitty position if you do with a lot of resentment from the DSDs. DSD2 has trusted you with things and if you now "blurt" to her dad, she is going to wonder what else you have told him etc.

I'd speak to DSD2 and DSD3 at the same time about the situation and explain that whilst it puts you in a tricky situation, you don't want to break their trust.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 23:12:46

What's your DP like? Can he be trusted to keep silent if you tell him?

Ideal scenario would be for you to tell DP but have him stay out of it and let you deal on your own - although I'm not sure how you do that without dropping middle SDD in it...

At age 12 youngest SDD could be doing it for the thrill, because she's avaricious and hasn't yet learned consequences, because she's emotionally insecure and is seeking validation through her appearance, because she's being bullied and this is something she can exercise some control over... it could be any number of things. That's what I'd be trying to get to the bottom of, as the way you'd tackle thrill-seeking is very different to the way you'd deal with it if she's vulnerable in any way and just acting out.

There are many ways you could give her an opening in a conversation to admit this. There are also stories/plays/scenarios you can discuss to talk about unforseen consequences and personal responsibility.

Good luck.

witchofzog Mon 23-May-16 23:27:07

Thank you everyone. I am still undecided. Dp would go ape. Discretion in this situation would be unheard of. Dsd3 is definitely doing it for the thrill. She has been very rebellious since starting secondary with lots of detentions and I solations under her belt. She is very popular, pretty and in a way too self assured sometimes. I have heard her a couple of times saying "I am really fit. Everyone knows how fit I am " hmm. But underneath it all she is a lovely girl.

Ironically when she first brought the make up over I joked that there was so much it must be stolen.

I think I will have to have a chat with dsd2 before I decide what to do. She is 17 and will hopefully understand the dilemma I have now.

Nanny0gg Mon 23-May-16 23:33:07

But you are their stepmother, you are an adult in this situation.

I don't see how you can keep this a secret from her father.

BillSykesDog Mon 23-May-16 23:35:24

What aeroflot said. Good advice.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 23:38:36

She is very popular, pretty and in a way too self assured sometimes. I have heard her a couple of times saying "I am really fit. Everyone knows how fit I am "

This bothers me and I think it's what I'd concentrate on. It's really unhealthy for a 12-year-old to be establishing her sense of self worth on her appearance, which is clearly what she's doing if she's fixating so much on makeup. What's her use of social media like? Is she just doing the usual duck faces or is it a bit more competitive than that? Any inappropriate 'friends'?

Does she have hobbies and interests you can really push that will lead her to taking pride in what she does rather than what she looks like?

fatmomma99 Mon 23-May-16 23:38:54

I know this is a bit different, but I am one of the safeguarding leads where I work, and one of the 7 golden rules is to never promise to keep a secret that's been disclosed to you.
I know this isn't a safeguarding thing, but it kind-of is. I'd go back to the child and say that this is too important not to share, and that you'd rather share with their permission, but will share even if they don't grant it.

What you CAN promise is to be on their side and advocate for them.

Children need adults to keep them safe, not to be the holders of their secrets.

OptimisticSix Tue 24-May-16 00:55:42

I wouldn't say anything. You don't know for sure anyway!

Aeroflotgirl Tue 24-May-16 07:50:43

At the end of the day, he is her father and has a right to know what is going on with his dd. It woukd cause a hell of a lot of problems if he found out op knew and did not tell him. Sit her down, gently tell her you know the make up is stolen, she has until the end of the day to tell her dad, if she does not, you have to.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 24-May-16 08:18:19

Op is not this girls friend, she is also the other responsible adult, and has to act as that role.

TiredOfSleep Tue 24-May-16 09:31:55

I think you need to tell DH that you suspect shoplifting. I wonder whether she showed you the makeup deliberately. Personally I think the older daughter telling you was because she wanted it to get out.

It may damage your relationship with her for a while, but if shoplifting escalates, or other behaviour arises, you'll have more problems to handle.

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