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to tell exH he needs to find a solution DD is happy with?

(17 Posts)
partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 09:50:56

DD is 9. Her dad usually only sees her EOW but six weeks ago asked to collect her from school tomorrow and have her overnight because it's his birthday. I agreed and made plans with my two younger dc as we wouldn't have to pick DD up from school. These plans involve booking tickets and are a distance away that means returning to collect her is impossible.

Her dad sent me a text message this morning saying he's at work until 6 on Thursday now so if I could collect DD from school that'd be great, then his GF will collect her from me at 5.30. There was no asking, it was written as though this is what will be happening. DD has learning difficulties and doesn't cope well with change. His GF hasn't collected her before and she's previously become very upset when her dad has suggested it. I really don't want to cancel my plans with my younger dc but feel exH is forcing me to do so. He said if I don't want to cancel my plans then I can book her in the after school club and his GF will collect her from there. Firstly, DD would hate that. No one from her class goes and as I said up thread, she hates change. Secondly, I'm annoyed he thinks I should book it for him.

If DD goes to after school club (if they even have a space at this short notice/if they'd let his GF who they've never seen collect her) then she's likely to be out of sorts for days because of the change of routine which will be up to me to deal with. I've explained this to exH and he said that I should do as he's said and collect her then have his GF collect her from me.

I feel like he's trying to force me into either cancelling my plans or cancelling the contact. Aibu to say he needs to find a solution that suits all parties - particularly DD - and refuse to cancel my plans?

partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 09:51:31


TheSockGoblin Mon 23-May-16 09:58:39

What i'd like to do - Tell him to suck it up and get out of work as he was the one who asked for this contact.

What i'd probably actually do - Book into the after-school club as the lesser of three evils. As in - not great if she gets disappointed at not seeing her dad on his birthday as arranged (you said she doesn't like change - and to be fair this is already going to be a change right? Going to her dads on a weeknight), also not great on you or your other kids to cancel your plans.

Still not great with after-school club but better than not going at all I'd say.

So yea that's what I would do but I'd be really fucking pissed off about it. Tough one really. I too have an ex that forces me into these sorts of positions and I have to keep it nice for my son, but sometimes i want to do violence to him. It's that knowledge they can lunch out and you will have to pick up the pieces. maddening. angry

BertrandRussell Mon 23-May-16 10:00:58

Can she go home with a friend instead then her dad can pick her up from there when he finishes work?

partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 10:24:41

No, no friend to go with. If he collects her it won't be until 7 so it'd be too late to be worth it.

DD isn't that bothered about seeing him on his birthday, she'd rather stay home and in routine as she's missing an after school activity for it. I agreed for his sake.

partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 18:26:57

I asked this afternoon and there's no spaces at the after school club. I haven't heard from exH again so I think he's presumed I'm sorting it for him one way or another. Aibu to tell him to forget it and just see her at the weekend as usual?

glenthebattleostrich Mon 23-May-16 18:34:47

He's changed the plan so not unreasonable to cancel the contact.

KittensandKnitting Mon 23-May-16 18:43:51

Surely he should book her into the after school club... But I know of course this is a "crazy" suggestion

I'd cancel the contact your DD isn't that fussed about seeing him on his birthday and you think she will be upset about being picked up by his GF, come 7pm not much that can happen before bedtime and school the next day.

Will she be able to join in your planned activity?

Get this all the time with DP's ex (DP is the RP) short notice changes aren't good on any children.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 23-May-16 18:52:18

"I feel like he's trying to force me into either cancelling my plans or cancelling the contact."
And you'd be correct. Given that "DD isn't that bothered about seeing him on his birthday, she'd rather stay home and in routine as she's missing an after school activity for it" then for me the best option would be to cancel the birthday contact.

Are you losing a lot of money on the plans with your younger two?

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 18:54:37

I would cancel the contact full stop, and not because I am being spiteful or getting my own back.

Picking up the pieces for unreliable parents only serves to mask their unreliability. Eventually it is nearly always the case that this sort of parent lets their child down with a big bump. That hurts. It far better for the child to have realistic expectations of that parent. By covering for the crap parent, all you do is create a higher platform from which they fall and therefore a greater degree of hurt for the child. If you keep covering, the demands generally become higher and consequences more painful.

Cancelling the contact not only makes it clear to your X that you won't be messed about, it protects your DD.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Mon 23-May-16 18:57:32

If you cancel the contact, can you include dd in your plans with the others?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Mon 23-May-16 21:01:40

It's for posts like these that mumsnet needs a What an Arse emoticon.
Should be quite easy, just a heart ♥ upside down

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Mon 23-May-16 21:02:26

The EXH is the arse obviously, not the OP

coconutpie Mon 23-May-16 21:05:27

Cancel the contact since he hasn't stuck to the original plan. Selfish twat.

partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 22:11:42

I just know he'll make a huge fuss about me preventing contact on his birthday and pretend it's because I'm bothered about his GF picking her up. I'm really not, I like his GF better than him actually and I barely know her. No doubt he'll tell dd what an amazing time she missed out on and how if she'd been there she could've done/had x, y, z. Sadly for him, dd doesn't often believe anything he says anymore. All this changing of plans just serves to prove to her that he's unreliable.

partridgeappletree Mon 23-May-16 22:13:24

I'm losing about £30 whereyouleftit, so not too bad but still bloody annoying.

wallybantersjunkbox Mon 23-May-16 22:25:28

Either he does what he says, or he forgets the whole thing. My ex tries this all the time in his unstructured cock up of a life and can't even manage to do just two weekends a month without some complicated dramatic changes.

So just reply "no, that doesn't work for us, either plan A or cancel."

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