Are Pil BU about our neighbours?(25 Posts)
My DP and I have been together for around 2 years. Prior to moving in together he spent most nights at my old flat. The flat was a shared HA one, which was admittedly in a rough area, known for drug dealing issues.
When I/we lived there Pil never stepped foot in the flat (which was actually pretty nice despite the exterior) and instead would go to a pub/cafe in town with us. Sometimes they would offer to pick us up - but would only ever ring the buzzer and wait outside.
We have since moved and live in a lovely 2 up 2 down terrace. We private tent now, but we live on an estate where it is mostly council or HA. I won't pretend our street is perfect; we have issues with graffiti (ive actually seen our neghbours spray painting the street),police visits are not infrequent, and there are often neghbours in the front gardens drinking, with children running up and down the street.
Whenever my Pil visit they comment on these things and frequently ask when we will be moving (we have no plans to move!). They also hate parking on our street and insist on going out every half hour or so to check on their car to make sure it's ok.
I love our home, and so does my DP. Are theu being unreasonable to make the comments they do, given the problems the street has (and aldi the car checking) or am I being too sensitive?? I want to tell them to pack it in, but I hate confrontation!
You're comfortable living there and that's great. You can't force them to be comfortable with the area though. Yanbu to be miffed but they're not being unreasonable to be wary about being in an area where neighbours see each other graffiti things and aren't bothered.
If they are BU how do I say this to them??
I have reported the graffiti/other problems to the police - im not thrilled by it all, but we don't have much money and its a huge improvement on the old area. Other than report to the police im not sure what else I can do about it.
If your happy there then it is a bit rude, but Maybe as parents they just want to see there ds with the very best.
With checking the car I can understand that when visiting an old school friend in her part of London I always check my car just by looking out the window now and then and she doesn't mind cos she knows what her area is like.
I'd be a bit worried about parking my car on a street where the neighbours were known for spray painting tbh. I can't blame them for that.
I don't think you can blame them from what you've described. I would be a bit wary too.
I see what you are saying about the car - I park mine there with no problems but admittedly it isn't in the same league as theirs! I might suggest next visit they park a street away (near a shop with cv tv) to alleviate those worries.
I suppose i just take it persinally. I worry they think they im 'dragging down' my dP - although we both work very hard to have the best life we can.
I don't think they are being unreasonable, it's not exactly an area I'd be jumping up and down about one of my kids living in, it's obviously not what they are used to and it makes them feel uncomfortable but they are visiting now when they didn't before so are trying. You could say that they have told you how they felt and to please stop saying it though that wouldn't be unreasonable of you either.
Cabbage - you make a good point re. them visiting now when they wouldn't before. I think they are making an effort by doing that (in their way).
They are a wealthy couple, and I know they invisaged a wealthier/better life for their son then this, though it upsets to me to think that is how they see our life.
My dP struggles with depression, which caused him to drop out of studying. He frequently tells me this is the happiest/most secure he has ever been,but it's hard to know his DM sees our home as being worse than she wants for him.
It is nothing to do with them, you are obviously living in a place that you can afford and are OK with the area.
Let the PIL buy somewhere better for you with absolutely no strings attached and you may consider moving.
Until then they can put up and shut up.
Constant criticism poisons relationships.
I guess its about more than checking a car for me - although im quite possibly reading too much into it!
A car is merely a means of getting from a to b, a possession and at times a status symbol.
You say that their son is happy yet they criticise his home ( area )
Pfffft, they are probably part of his issues.
"you don't actually have to visit here you know, maybe of you hate it so much it would be better of you didn't anymore?"
Boo hoo hoo our precious baby is living on a peasant street with graffiti and poor parking facilities. Idiots.
If you're not used to it, it can be intimidating. I grew up in a naice area but my Gran lived on a notorious Manchester estate, (well, the notorious one actually) and it did feel pretty threatening and unpleasant. And in fairness our car did get broken into a few times, and there was an incident where I saw somebody with a gun.
I've lived in all sorts of dodgy places since then and it wouldn't bother me now. But I guess you can't do much about how they perceive the place. It's rude to say it to you though.
I honestly don't think the area we are in now is that bad given where ive lived in the past BUT in comparison to their home it must look like Shameless!
I suppose it's down to perception but surely the most important thing is we are happy, and work hard. I feel as though those things are overlooked by them - but no advice offered by them as to HOW we are supposed to afford to move somewhere better (although, as I say, we love the home we have made).
YANBU, but you wont ever be able to make them comfortable with where you live. It always looks worse to outsiders.
I love my rough neighbourhood. We've lived here for 20 years, my kids have grown up here. Theres a bunch of us old crocks and all the tough lads look out for us.
Someone tried to burgle my elderly neighbour and he was chased off by 6 angry men. You have never seen anyone looks so scared or run so fast. The police that cam round were laughing their heads off.
I was at the cash point and walked away without my money. One bloke ran up the street after me with it, and 3 others watched him to check he wasnt mugging me.
The area has a terrible reputation, to outsiders but honestly I've lived in worse places.
Ollie - i wish I could say all that - but I could definitely try to say that no one is forcing them to visit
if I was feeling brace
Well you got to the route of it - you worry they think you are somehow 'dragging down' your partner. I'd say maybe talk to him about how you feel maybe?
Have they given you any reason to feel this way or do you think its coming from you?
YANBU to want them to see that their DS is happy and settled and want them to acknowledge and accept that. However from what you have said they aren't doing anything awful. They aren't running your house down or openly criticising your choice. I do get the car checking is annoying but speaking as someone who lives in a very different area from her own parents, it could be worse . You are both happy so let them be. It's not worth the potential impact on a good relationship
Do they not understand how much property prices have gone up? How different it is for your generation from theirs? They need to process that and modify their hopes and expectations accordingly.
Goblin - you are right. They have made negative comments about my job before (the same as both their DSons!). The town we live in is my hometown and they are quick to criticise it, although I am as quick to defend it! They have made 'joking' comments about my local accent too. My dP had defended me, our town and home to them before, so I can't complain he doesn't support me. However, he has had decades to adjust to this - im not used to having my home life criticised - my family are very different.
Lottie - I honestly don't think they have a clue..
Just being - thank you. I think that's the perspective I need!
Do they not understand how much property prices have gone up? How different it is for your generation from theirs?
This is really true. But also, I think you need to separate how they feel about the area from how they feel about you. You seem to be taking it very personally, as if every criticism of the area is a criticism of you. Learn to separate the two unless they are specifically conflating them.
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