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AIBU?

Pushy Mum undermiming my parenting

66 replies

WeeWaspie · 22/05/2016 22:55

Am i being unreasonable, or just highly strung?

My dear old Mum lives abroad but has come over to visit this week. Suring the lead up Mum has talked about feeding my DS baby rice (he's not even four monrhs yet). I can recall three seperate conversations where i said it was too early and i didn't want to do this yet. She arrived on Wednesday and one of the first things she said to DS was that she was going to feed him baby rice when i wasn't looking. Once again i told her no. The next day she tried to give him bread to suck on, so i had to intervene again and made it really clear that i really didn't appreciate this as i had already made my feelings clear.

Yesterday she went out shopping and came back with baby rice! By that point I'd lost count of how many times i had said I don't want this and given my reasons (i don't have a problem with people who wean at 4 months but at the moment DS is being filled up still by milk, is not sitting up for long and doesn't show any interest in food). I put the rice away in a cupboard and said he wasn't having it and i wouldn't discuss it anymore.

Today we've been to a family event where DS was being passed around older relatives. I went to collect him from them (where Mum was sitting) and they said they had given him some jam and cream and he had enjoyed it. I think they were joking but i got the feeling that they had been talking about the fact i wouldn't let him have the bloody baby rice.

I appreciate she's from a different generation when things were done differently. I think partly its because she's excited about being a grandma and wants to be involved. How can i make it anymore obvious that i want to do things my own way with my DS and i don't appreciate her undermiming me. I'm tempted to compare her to her MIL who used to do the same to her, but i know that would probably cut her really deep. I don't want to upset her, but her behavior is getting really frustrating.

Long post - sorry! So am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

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BeBesideTheSea · 22/05/2016 22:56

I think you have to 'cut really deep' as you have tried reasonable and it didn't work.

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BeBesideTheSea · 22/05/2016 22:57

Oh, and she doesn't seem bothered about upsetting you!!

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NannawifeofBaldr · 22/05/2016 22:57

Of course YANBU. I'd have out the rice in the bin personally.

And I would have a conversation about your Granny and the things she used to do to your Mum. It might drive home the point even if you don't spell it out.

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cookiefiend · 22/05/2016 23:03

Yeah telling her isn't working so compare her to her MIL. Maybe then she will understand. And refuse to leave him alone with her. If she asks why say you cannot trust her. She will get it eventually. Grr- I am mad on your behalf!

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MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2016 23:04

Serve her baby rice every meal until she goes home. Not really but it would be fun.

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MeLittleDuckie · 22/05/2016 23:15

I had this from my DM too, whenever DS cried she said 'he'd be a different baby if you gave him solids...' or similar. It drove me to distraction, not least because I was perfectly happy with the baby I had, thanks very much! She didn't actually feed him so I just put up with the nagging and replied with 'yeah...', 'whatever...', 'mm hmm...'. I'd be a bit wary of comparing your DM to her MIL though, if you think it would cut deep is it really worth it? Is she undermining any other aspect of your parenting?

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MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2016 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldStrife · 22/05/2016 23:20

I can see why you are frustrated, but rather than banging heads over this one issue during the short time that she is with you, can you find something else for her to do with your DS? If she lives abroad I'm assuming that she doesn't see him very often and she probably just wants to be involved in his life? I am not saying that she should get a 'first' or anything, but I think directing her towards another aspect is easier than trying to stop her doing something.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/05/2016 23:21

She's only with you for a week then she's off back to her place abroad? In that case, I'd take the piss out of her if she mentions the baby rice again this week. Probably jokes around memory problems, becoming hard of hearing and it being 2016. She's been having a laugh with people about your attitude. You might as well have a laugh at her.

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EweAreHere · 22/05/2016 23:25

You've tried reasonable. Repeatedly.

Use the MIL angle. Tell her that you remember the stories she used to tell you about her MIL, and you're incredibly sorry to see her now starting to do the same thing to you as a parent. Nip it.

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Iknownuffink · 22/05/2016 23:32

Bin the rice.

No one but no one has any right to feed anything other than what you define to your child.

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eyebrowse · 22/05/2016 23:37

My dcs refused to eat baby rice anyway - waste of money

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BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 22/05/2016 23:39

I like the idea of feeding her the baby rice "since she likes it so much"

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honeyroar · 22/05/2016 23:41

Tell her that if she can't respect you and how you want to bring up your baby she can pack her bags. And mean it.

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JeffFromTheDailyMail · 22/05/2016 23:41

It can't be generational. There is not a whole generation of disrespectful, ignorant, controlling women out there. Has she given any reasons for feeling this way about baby rice? Does she know it has almost zero nutrition?

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Italiangreyhound · 22/05/2016 23:41

Bin the rice and tell mother that this is spoiling the visit. If she wants to be more involved find a way for her to do this.

EG

-Buying or making some clothes (is she into knitting!)
-Taking some lovely photos of baby#
-Singing him some rhymes or song that she sang to you as a baby, and writing them down for posterity
-Helping you fill in some fun facts about you as a baby.

DO NOT spring this on her, she may not remember and maybe embarrassed. So give her some options of things to make the visit extra special and that do not involved feeding baby.

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JeffFromTheDailyMail · 22/05/2016 23:41

People. Not women, I didn't realise I write that

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JeffFromTheDailyMail · 22/05/2016 23:42

*wrote.

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softjellyjunglecustard · 22/05/2016 23:47

YANBU. Grandparents with limited access are for playing, cuddles, making a fuss and spoiling their GC a little bit because they dont see them a lot. NOT for undermining you and the way you want to raise your baby.
i didn't even give DD a rusk til she was about 6 months and even then i was like hmmmm (PFB) lol.
i hope you find a way to deal with her xx

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ollieplimsoles · 22/05/2016 23:49

This would REALLY wind me up, as I had the fucking baby rice lecture from my nanna and mil, her mum, my grandma and everyone else...

Throw the baby rice in the bin!!!

Then tell her to go educate herself on the current weaning advice from the WHO...

I'm doing blw and ive lost count of people who have taken food off my DD, mushed up things, tried to spoon feed her frigging petit filious [spelling?]

Why do they think they know best, it wears you down...

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ollieplimsoles · 22/05/2016 23:51

Oh and do I need to state the obvious- she doesn't get to be alone with him.

Id stop her holding him as well if she doesn't stop fucking around.

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Lozzie12 · 22/05/2016 23:52

I'd point her to the NHS choices website and tell her she's out of date! It's your baby how rude to undermine you. Hope the visit improves.

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SilverBirchWithout · 23/05/2016 00:01

Have an 'off the main topic' friendly and chatty discussion with her about how advice on how best to look after babies has changed over the past 40 years. Things she did that her DPs and ILs disagreed with, and what is different now to when you were a baby.

It may take the heat out of the whole early weaning discussion and give you both a chance to bond again over the stories of her own experiences of being a young mother.
I do think it can feel difficult for mums who feel the natural desire to offer their parenting experience to their own daughters, only to find their expertise is now terribly out of date and no longer appropriate. It has always been so, each generation has acquired new knowledge about what is best for babies because of advancements in care. It is always difficult to handle that conflict, particularly when the older parent isn't prepared to listen and not interfere.

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icedcherrytea · 23/05/2016 00:04

Throw the rice in the bin. Tell her it has no nutritional value but maybe you'll consider a mashed banana.... when she fucks off home.

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fatmomma99 · 23/05/2016 00:43

Before I get into what I want to say, I just want to say I absolutely DON'T think you are BU, and I agree with what PPs have said, and I LOVE the suggestion of feeding her the baby rice (please do this!).

My DD is 14 now, so babyhood was a while ago. My DM used to keep dropping hints about things. I think one of her big ones was her sleeping on her back (recommendation at the time was to sleep on their fronts as a way of minimising cot death. Or it could have been the other way around, can't remember now). So it was all "oh, she's SO much more comfortable on her back" it was fucking cot death, ffs.... of COURSE I was going to follow most up to date advice.

But then... this was the thing. You as a parent (now) follow the great advice you're given, you've read the most up-to-date stuff, you follow your instincts and you learn what works for your child.

And then, in a blink of an eye later, someone else close to you does it. so OF COURSE you pass on what works for you, what you've learnt, etc. and they look at you politely and say "hmm".

For me, it was "lifting". Lifting (which you do when they're transitioning out of nappies) is when you take your child out of bed in the middle of the night, put them on the toilet and say "you're on the toilet, do a wee" which they do (without waking up). Worked a TREAT for my DD. Advised against now.

Incidentally, we started weaning at 4 months, and she ate like a horse (it was my birthday when she was 5 months, and we had a very small party, and DD ate EVERYTHING. We couldn't believe it).
To be very, very clear. I'm not in any way saying you're wrong, and if what you're doing is working for you, then keep with it. But (honestly) I had a 5 month old who ate for England, and if your mum has had experience of anything similar, I can understand why she's worrying that milk alone is not enough.

BUT you are mum, and you know your kid best. I'm just saying, don't be surprised as things which are 'absolutes' to you now and which came highly recommended get dismissed for future babies, and you're left saying "but this WORKED for my child...." and every mum that comes after you will look at you as suspiciously as you're looking at your mum now.

Sorry if this thread makes me sound really, really old!