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MIL has offered to pay for all to go to Orlando. AIBU to say no?

(214 Posts)
hairyfreckle Sun 22-May-16 19:48:31

MIL has offered for the whole family (me, DH, 2 kids, BIL SIL and their 4 kids plus MIL and FIL). Everything paid for- villa, flights, food over there. All we would need to pay for would be park tickets and personal money for shopping (--hello outlet malls--)

Anyway. I don't want to go (reasons why listed below). DH said I am being unreasonable and we can put up with her for 2 weeks. It probably isn't something we will be able to afford to do ourselves while the kids are young enough to be interested (already 11 and 9) but we will probably be able to go to Euro Disney in another year or so now I am working again.

MIL is very controlling in what she does- so the whole holiday will be decided by her. Where we go on what day, when we fly (i.e. if we could we would want to choose flights that get in at nighttime so the kids can go straight to bed when we get to the villa etc), what we eat etc. There is no disagreeing with her- if you do, she goes off in a sulk swearing saying how ungrateful we all are.

I don't have a good relationship with DHs family- DH is very easy going but his family are a bit snobish. All have/have had upper class careers and I work in a minimum wage job part time and have only returned to work this year. Apart from general chit chat we don't talk- we just have nothing in common. It would probably mean I go to bed early on while they sit and drink wine talking about hunting or whatever bollocks it is they are doing now.

DD2 gets homesick very easily. She can't even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset- it isn't because she wants me and DH, it's because she wants to be at home. She is very shy and anxious and honestly I think it would all be a bit overwhelming for her and someone (probably me) would end up staying at the villa with her watching films etc which we can do at home. I honestly can't see her interacting with the characters, going on rides etc. She will just cling to me or DH.

DH can turn into a nightmare when he is around PIL. I 100% understand they are his parents but he agrees with everything they say. If they tell him to do something with DDs (e.g. at Xmas time MIL said they could have Coke 1/2 hour before bed, I said no, MIL said yes and DH agreed with her because she was getting irate. I know it was a "special occasion" but it was already 9.30, we had more presents to wrap and I wanted to get to bed. He admitted to me he only did it to shut her up). He just can't stand up for himself. We argue everytime they visit/we go to visit which means we are both sulking for a day or two and MIL walks around looking smug. It would ruin everybody's holiday and isn't fair on DC and other family members.

I would suggest the DC go with DH- but they have done this before and MIL ended up getting DD2 into such a state I had to fly out and bring her home. She just doesn't understand how sensitive she is and she can be a crippling emotional bully.

AIBU?

RandomMess Sun 22-May-16 19:52:26

YANBU DD wouldn't enjoy it, you wouldn't enjoy it so what is the point?

notagiraffe Sun 22-May-16 19:53:30

You don't have to go. A holiday is supposed to be an enjoyable and memorable experience. Tough one, as it is so generous of her, but as you describe it, would come with strings attached.
At that age DS2 could definitely not have coped with being away from home for so long. Or jet lag. I'd thank her profusely for her generosity and say it's a great idea for when they're older, but realistically right now, DD is too young to cope with jet lag and homesickness, and you'd hate dMiL to feel anyone was ungrateful after she had been so generous, so you'll pass for a couple of years.
Maybe in a few years tie it would be easier. Age 10, your DD might be far keener to go and then you'd only have the control freaky to deal with for a fortnight (which I think is a fair trade off for two free weeks at Disneyland grin )

BlueberrySky Sun 22-May-16 19:53:39

Sounds like an awful holiday. I would explain all this to DH and not go and not let DD2 go either. Refuse to be bullied.

I found Disneyland Florida stressful enough, without adding PIL. It is overwhelming.

AnotherEmma Sun 22-May-16 19:54:38

YANBU
Have you read the book "Toxic Inlaws"?

Move2WY Sun 22-May-16 19:56:32

I think youre being unfair. This is a holiday if a lifetime for your children and they will love it.

Tolerating your mil for a few nigbts is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Just be more forceful about his like the coke incident!

FoxesSitOnBoxes Sun 22-May-16 19:56:40

I'm with you on some of it but the description of your DH's family and their "upper class careers" reflects badly on you, rather than them, I think.

AlmaMartyr Sun 22-May-16 19:56:47

YANBU. We are saying no to the same offer from MIL for our family. We have tried holidaying with them before and it never goes well. Two weeks would be unbearable, particularly with the children. I feel bad that I'm turning down such an amazing offer but it simply isn't worth the hassle.

defineme Sun 22-May-16 19:57:19

Send dh and ds if they'd enjoy it? Or say no thank you. Do not go or send dd...your reasons are valid and aren't negated in anyway by it being a free holiday. Stand firmflowers

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 22-May-16 19:58:27

YABU

Take it for the holiday it is.

Janecc Sun 22-May-16 19:58:29

I totally get your angst. I'm accustomed to family dramas and narcissistic behaviour. This would be my idea for hell but I would probably do it for my DD if it was the only way to get to Disney. Have you thought about you and dd2 staying at home? I would talk to your DH and then DD if he agrees. I do t know how she would feel about being left behind.

mygrandchildrenrock Sun 22-May-16 19:59:41

I don't know, I had this kind of holiday about 5 years ago, there were 13 of us in a villa with a pool. There were always enough adults/children to be around it didn't matter if there were some people you'd rather not be around.
Most people did go to the same parks most days, but not always. I stayed at the villa one day with my youngest DD and one day my OH took our youngest DS to Epcot which no-one else wanted to go to that day.
It was, overall a great holiday, one that everyone talks fondly about and one that cost a fortune and is unlikely to be repeated!
There won't be much choice about flights, I think they are day flights out and night flights coming home but it might be the other way round!

FledglingFridge Sun 22-May-16 20:00:01

This is a holiday if a lifetime for your children and they will love it.

Apart from OP clearly stating one of the children wouldn't love it and would find it stressful and upsetting which would impact on others.

(Do people just make up their own OPs and respond to that?)

FirstWeTakeManhattan Sun 22-May-16 20:01:05

she can be a crippling emotional bully

Life really is too short for a holiday with someone like this.

Kids don't need a holiday in Orlando to be happy.

Go on your own holiday that you'll all look forward to it, with no stress or unhappiness.

Itisbetternow Sun 22-May-16 20:02:25

I wish my ILs could afford to pay for their family to go to Disney. My children would love it.

AHellOfABird Sun 22-May-16 20:03:09

If dd1 and DH went, would dd2.be happy to stay home with you, if she'd hate it anyway?

araiba Sun 22-May-16 20:03:35

you and mil both sound to be the same controlling types so im not surprised that you dont get along

have you even asked dd if she wants to go to disneyland or have you just decided what she will think yourself?

if mil is paying then it seems reasonable that she will book the dates, flights etc

SomersetMaughan Sun 22-May-16 20:04:03

I'd go, for the children's sake. Just bite your tongue and "smile +wave" etc

AHellOfABird Sun 22-May-16 20:04:05

Or you and dd2 could go on a more "home" holiday at the same time? A stayCation?

Frazzled2207 Sun 22-May-16 20:04:55

I was going to say you should go for the sake of the kids but if dd really would not enjoy it them ywnbu not to go.
Send dh and ds?
I went when I was 11 and although I think I'd hate it now it really was amazing at the time.

hairyfreckle Sun 22-May-16 20:05:29

Foxes. I realise I probably came across as a nasty bitch- I don't mean to. They just seem to refuse to talk to me and look down their nose at me like i'm below them. I try not to judge them but it difficult when all I get from them is judgement.

I would let DD1 go with DH but I would feel terrible for DD2. She wouldn't understand why she can't go and her sister can't but I know she wouldn't enjoy it.

PovertyPain Sun 22-May-16 20:06:50

Bollocks to that. No child has ever felt neglected because they civil don't go on holiday, but they may do if they see mum and dad fighting throughout the holiday and one of the children just wants home.

You might find, if you say no, other may follow.

AHellOfABird Sun 22-May-16 20:06:52

Oh, ok, if she would feel left out. That wouldn't work. Even if you two had something else planned?

DailyMailFodder Sun 22-May-16 20:06:54

YABU. I think you should do what you want but that you shouldn't decide on behalf of your DH and your DDs

Suggest that your DH goes with DD1 - and ask DD2 if she would like to go. DD2 is older now and will be with her sister and Dad so may not feel homesick.

Fussing about flight times and bedtimes isn't half as important now that they are older.

You stay home.

To be honest you and you MIL sound like a bad combination.

alltouchedout Sun 22-May-16 20:07:33

If dd2 would hate it and you would hate it and dh would be someone you don't like being around... why on earth would you go? It doesn't sound like the holiday of a lifetime at all, it sounds like it would be hideous.

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