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Grief

(10 Posts)
Tryingtostayyoung Sun 22-May-16 19:02:35

Hey all. Something happened a week ago and it's just been playing on my mind abit and just wanted some general opinions.
My aunt died around 12years ago and my uncle, her husband died recently. We went to his funeral and whist there visited my aunt. I walked away very upset and crying, to be honest I have unfortunately buried ALOT of family members through various illnesses but my aunt was an extremely hard one as we were so close, I was only a teen and she was only in her early 50s.

Here is my AIBU, as we were walking away from the grave I was crying and DH comforted me and I told him that although I was extremely sad about my uncle I was crying because of my aunt as I hadn't been to her grave in a few years and as he already knows I still struggle with her death. We sat down and he said to me that I need to start finding a way to deal with her death as he doesn't think it's normal to still be this sad and that I need to come to terms with it and focus on the good AND that it was a bit disrespectful to be here for my uncles funeral (who was very kind and lovely) and be crying about somebody else, was I???

ilovesooty Sun 22-May-16 19:06:59

You were not at all unreasonable. I think your husband ought to educate himself about grief before he shoots his mouth off. Your post has made me feel pretty angry at him actually.

Lilacpink40 Sun 22-May-16 19:11:48

It's your grief, feel it as much as you need to. You can't switch it off!
I'd find other people to talk to, but yes your DH should have supported you.

Tryingtostayyoung Sun 22-May-16 19:14:12

Ilovesooty I probably should have mentioned that all extended family of his died before he was born or when he was very young and that everyone that I was very close to that died was also before we were together so this is actually the first person that he has burried and although he was a lovely lovely man I was not extremely close to him so I don't think DH actually understands what it is like to bury someone that played such a big part of your life.

SouthWesterlyWinds Sun 22-May-16 19:18:45

YANBU. There is no time limit on grief and tbh when I've gone to pay my respects at family funerals, you inevitably think about those you have already lost. I still miss my Nanna and my Great Aunt every day. There is usually something that triggers my thinking about them. However I would say it was a more accepting sadness and nostalgia, "remember the time we used to sit on the sofa with Nanna and howl with laughter at kids TV" type thing that I experience now. However there will also be times when I just want them to be here. Your DH is thoughtless in his remarks - there are no rules with grieving especially

I do think however your husband is right about maybe finding a way to deal and cope with your aunts passing. He is wrong in that it isn't disrespectful to be mourning more than one person. Be kind to yourself. And condolences on the loss of your uncle Trying

SouthWesterlyWinds Sun 22-May-16 19:19:38

Posted too soon

*especially at a family funeral when your thoughts will naturally turn to those you love

Tryingtostayyoung Sun 22-May-16 19:22:53

Thank you. Sometimes I just find it quite hard to speak to DH about my grief because although he is a very sensitive sweet man he's also very practical and I just think he has no idea what real grief is as hasn't experienced it. For all my grandparents and my other family members I think I've dealt quite well but with my aunt I just can't find a way to accept her not being here and I can't seem to talk about her without being upset.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 22-May-16 19:27:41

Neither of you are unreasonable.

You had your grief.

He was trying to help.

Bereavement means all different ways coping with it. There's no blueprint. Whatever gets you through, quite honestly. And people try to help, although the thought is better than the action. But it's well meaning.

Tryingtostayyoung Sun 22-May-16 19:30:40

Throughthick exactly, I 100% think he was trying to help but just doesn't really know how to. My AIBU was more that I felt bad afterwards as to whether I was being disrespectful towards my uncle although I couldn't help how I felt at the time.

Drquin Sun 22-May-16 19:38:06

There's no rule book on death, funerals and grief ...... So no right or wrong about how you feel, how upset you appear on the surface, whether any tears or sadness are directed towards solely the most-recently deceased or someone else or a more general look-back on life. So, no YNBU.

But, presumably your DH is someone who knows you well? So, despite his own lack of direct-experience, perhaps if he thinks you're "struggling" then maybe it's something to ponder. Maybe not, only you really know.

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