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Aibu not using mothers name

(23 Posts)
rosareina Sat 21-May-16 23:45:57

I am not very close to my mother for various reasons. My last dd has my mil's name as a middle name. My mother was not happy about this and stopped talking to me for a number of weeks after her birth. I am due another dd and my sister has told me my mother has mentioned to her about this baby getting her name as a middle name.

I really don't want to use her name. I don't like it, it doesn't fit with our first name and obviously because of our relationship. Aibu not to use it?

Nanunanu Sat 21-May-16 23:51:13

Yanbu. Your child. You pick the names.

But. Your mum will be hurt by it.

dodobookends Sun 22-May-16 00:02:49

Could you use your sister's name as a middle name, or have two middle names with your mother's name as the second one, or your grandmother's name?

It depends really, if your mother's been abusive and nasty then no, she doesn't deserve to have anyone named after her. It's hard to say without knowing more about what she's like, would it be possible to have 2 middle names for your new DD and have your mum's as the second? and then never use it?

either way, YANBU, it's your baby, you decide the names, and if your DM hasn't earnt being mentioned in the naming then that's probably her fault isnt it xx

or could you use DM's middle name instead? or would that just rile her up even more?

kittybiscuits Sun 22-May-16 00:10:16

Just do whatever you want to do. That is all.

AgentZigzag Sun 22-May-16 00:14:33

Using your babies to try and control you is unreasonable of her, she went without seeing her newborn GD and giving you any support to prove a point? That says it all.

You don't have to do as your told any more.

Let her sulk, sounds like if it's not the name then it'd just be something else so let her get on with it.

Use the names you want and try to keep your DC out of all the shit.

CodyKing Sun 22-May-16 00:16:51

Why did you chose MIL name? Wasn't it obvious it would cause issues?

PovertyPain Sun 22-May-16 00:21:36

Why would you try to appease a woman who fell out with you over a name, when you needed her support?
You see, that would rile me and in no way in hell would I use her name after that carry on.

hownottofuckup Sun 22-May-16 00:22:19

Why shouldn't she and her DH choose to use his mother's name for their child if they wish?

Taylor22 Sun 22-May-16 00:22:29

You don't like her. You're an adult (I'm assuming) and this is your child.
You are not accountable to her or responsible for her emotions.
Don't use this child as a meat shield. She sounds like she will parade the fact this child was names after her.
An act many consider an honor. One she has not earned. She emotionally abused you after the birth of your DD. Is this someone you want your child to mimic? Do name you're child what you and OH want. Don't name her what you think other people expect you to.

FerkTheeesSheet Sun 22-May-16 00:29:05

Your child is yours to name as you so wish! If you don't choose her name, she will have to get over it.
Though, I can see why your mum might be hopeful about getting a look in this time, if my child named their child after the other grandparents and then snubbed me - that'd cut deep!
I feel you should possibly have seen this scenario coming when you named your first child.
Obviously, if your mother was a negligent parent/has given other just cause then she doesn't deserve the honour.

AgentZigzag Sun 22-May-16 00:38:52

And I see she's also using another well used technique in these situations of drawing in other people/family members to try and exert pressure on you to do as she says. Expect other 'Oh, you Mum said blah when we saw her the other day' from all and sundry.

After smiling and nodding, ignore them all and do as you please.

Agree with hownottofuckup, why shouldn't they CodyKing? To placate another adult who's trying their best to manipulate them? Fuck that.

Taylor22 Sun 22-May-16 00:52:39

I would never be so egotistical or presumptuous as to assume that someone would name their child after me. Regardless of any perceived pattern they appeared to be following.
I also would never take others feelings into account when naming my child. If they can't act maturely then why is that my problem?

Iknownuffink Sun 22-May-16 01:16:30

Ignore everyone who thinks they have an investment in YOUR child's name.

DeathStare Sun 22-May-16 05:38:53

If you name DD2 after her, is she not likely to start playing favourites - making DD1 the scapegoat and DD2 the golden child? Especially seeing as she has already rejected DD1 once over this issue.

If she does that it will cause issues within your family, and between your DDS for many years to come. Personally I wouldn't risk it no matter how much it upsets/annoys her.

Janecc Sun 22-May-16 06:32:39

Dh and I talked about using both grandmas names as middle names for DD - as he has from his grandparents. I was horrified. No way was DD ever going to have my mother's name. Our baby and we got to choose the names.

The maternal mother can tend to assume more rights I've read on this site before. My mil died years before we had DD sad. My mother is and was emotionally abusive. I saw her yesterday, I truly struggle to say anything to her, which does not cause offence. It doesn't affect me anymore. I feel sad for her. No way no way would my DD have my mother's name. To me, it would feel like partly rejecting my baby as my mother has rejected me.

If you don't want the name, don't give it. Be prepared for some nasty game playing on your mothers behalf. You've already been ignored and she's trying to get your sister to gang up on you. If my DD took Mils name and not mine, maybe I'd be hurt, cry and talk to her but ignore her? Never she's my lovely precious child.

If you feel you need to justify this decision, I'd make up a little lie. DD seemed more like a (mil middle name) and you decided to give her name to your next baby girl or your fathers/maternal grandfathers? name if it was a boy. With her ongoing atrocious behaviour, you are doubting this decision. If she's the narcissist I think she is, she will rant and rave and then continue to be horrible or maybe even extra nice to try to sway your decision. Then just call your baby a name of your choosing. You will have had time to see her childish behaviour for what it is.

Inertia Sun 22-May-16 07:12:57

Using family names for your own children can be a minefield.

You absolutely do not have to give your baby your mother's name. An alternative idea could be to use the name of a grandmother or great grandmother on your mum's side. Or just pick a name you like, and say that you are not using family names any more as it caused south trouble last time.

GloGirl Sun 22-May-16 07:18:35

Could you give a skewed derivitive? That way you are not lumbering your daughter with the name and it's horrible connotatios but you might be able to throw your mother a bone, not that she would deserve it of course.

Might not be possible? But if it was Susan it could be Suzy, Mary could be Marian that sort of thing.

KamMum Sun 22-May-16 08:55:36

Your child will have this name forever so make sure it's one you're happy with. Don't go with a name just to please your mum when it sounds like she doesn't deserve it - by not seeing her other GC because they didn't have her name is spoilt. Do what you want to do and don't feel pressured at all!!

Micah Sun 22-May-16 09:53:41

Tell her she has the middle name but don't register it? Presuming she'd never have reason to see birth cert etc.

Ime middle names rarely get used anyway, particularly if it's a second middle name.

Or is that too decietful? Can you tell I've had years of agreeing with my mother then pretending I've done what she's obsessing over...

Janecc Sun 22-May-16 10:14:06

Micah. Think I need to get some tips from you for dealing with my mother.

However, I wouldn't be able to do that with my mother - stress stress. She's very nosy. Mine would demand to see the birth certificate. Or if not itd worry about her rifling through drawers and seeing the passport. Mine would probably insist on calling my DD by the double barrelled name and at some stage one or other of them would find out it's not her real name.

I do like the agreeing with her and pretending to go along with stuff. I really am too honest for my own good. Sorry to sound like I'm dissing your idea.

MrsBobDylan Sun 22-May-16 12:27:09

I absolutely think you shouldn't give your baby DM's name. Yanbu. Your DM didn't talk to you for weeks after your first baby was born which is a horribly mean thing to do and suggests why you don't have a great relationship with her.

Please don't get pushed into doing this-stand strong, your reasons are sound and valid and your DM is only reaping what she's sown frankly.

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