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1 year old tantrums and moodiness, am I a bad mum?

(9 Posts)
twocultures Sat 21-May-16 23:17:00

First time mum here.
My DS is 1 and he has recently started doing this really annoying thing I'll have to give an example so it makes sense: when you tell him to be 'careful' because e.g. he is being a bit reckless with something or (his favourite) he strokes my face and then suddenly pulls my hair really hard or pinches (he drew blood today) he instantly wants to do it even harder and does this frustrated 'scream' and tries to go for it again and as I stop him doing what he's doing he screams and starts crying and arching his back and trying to get back onto the floor if I pick him up. And once he's back on the floor he lays there and cries but sounds really upset as opposed to angry, (he usually gets over it really quickly and I can usually pick him up at the second try). He's fine a minute later. I just don't know where this is coming from...
Today after the umpteenth time I just let him lay there on the carpet as I sat down next to him and waited for him to get over it, I just felt completely detached as I felt a bit of blood on my nose.
Am I a bad mum for not comforting him? I felt bad after and I did give him the attention once he calmed down but did he need it from me when he was crying?
He's only recently developed this behaviour and I don't know if it's completely normal or not. AIBU and just over worrying?

gamerchick Sat 21-May-16 23:19:12

What kind of one is he? Newly one or the back end?

gamerchick Sat 21-May-16 23:20:11

Not that it matters that much, they're all hardcore until 4.

SnuffleGruntSnorter Sat 21-May-16 23:23:44

That sounds really tough, my one year old is also <ahem> strong willed. Me being upset seems to escalate the situation - either he starts laughing or screaming more, I'm not sure which is worse to be honest. I've been trying distraction as I figure he's too young to really understand what's going on.

Just wanted to say I don't think you're a bad mum at all, hopefully someone more experienced will have more suggestions for you

twocultures Sat 21-May-16 23:40:45

gamerchick he turned one about 2 months ago.
Distraction doesn't really do anything for him. Recently most of the time he has started hating getting put into his high chair and today had a full meltdown as he got strapped in for his lunch.
I just feel bad as I'm alone with him most of the time and sometimes I just feel completely detached when he gets like this and as I said at the beginning sometimes just ignore him until he calms down. (I stay by him but I don't do anything)
But then I feel worried that I might be harming him long term by doing that...and I also worry that I shouldn't be feeling like that.

AgentZigzag Sun 22-May-16 00:30:06

I'm not an expert or anything but I would say he's just finding that the things he does can have an effect and he's trying different things out?

When he pulls your hair he doesn't know it hurts, but the reaction he gets is probably interesting to a 1 year old. He gets a different expression from you than the one he gets when you're giving him a bath, and if things don't happen the way he thinks they should (ie you stop him investigating what happens when he pulls your hair) he must get frustrated but as he can't talk yet throwing a wobbly is the only way he can say it.

I wouldn't think you're doing any long term damage and I'd ignore any tantruming too, as well as giving a yelp and a 'no' before moving him away from your hair etc so he can start cottoning on that it hurts to do that.

I found it was actually good to be a little bit detached when they're playing up because then you don't take it to heart or let it get to you too much because they don't mean the things they do in the same way as an older child/adult. When you're with them 24/7 you can get a bit bogged down with it all so it's good to take a step back sometimes.

What you describe sounds totally normal IMO and your responses do too smile

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-May-16 00:32:49

It sounds normal for a only just turned one age child.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 22-May-16 00:38:15

You both sound normal to me! Dd started tantruming when thwarted or told 'no' at that age. She's now 21 months and still responds that way. I found interacting with her mid-tantrum just ramped things up so now I just sit impassively nearby until she's a bit calmer then offer a cuddle and empathy/vocalisation (you're angry because you wanted to playing with the door but you're not allowed to play with doors).

OhYouAhole Sun 22-May-16 00:59:20

When my DCs used to pull the tantrum/hurt mum card after being told no or whatever, I used to turn away from them and start basically making a point of ignoring them. Then once they'd calmed, I'd fully engage with them again. It seemed to cut whole song and dance in half. My rules are: reason, distract, ignore in that order. And once it's over, it's forgotten immediately. Works well with my ASD DCs, better with DS1 who doesn't have it.

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