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To think that this 'relationship' is not going to go anywhere?

(69 Posts)
StableButDeluded Sat 21-May-16 11:45:05

OK, I just want to know if I'm overthinking this, as I'm old and haven't dated for centuries.

Met a seemingly lovely chap a couple of months ago. Have been out on a few dates, all good. Unfortunately he lives a couple of hours drive away so difficult to get together during weekday evenings. But twice now we have arranged that he was going to come and stay at mine over the weekend, and both times things have happened that have prevented him coming. Nothing inherently wrong with that, just bad luck...but it's the way he has behaved towards me at the time that I'm questioning.

Last weekend, I didn't get told until the Friday afternoon that he couldn't make it. Apparently the boss told everyone last minute they 'had' to work all day on the Saturday. Prior to that, I also hadn't heard from him at all on the Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
No text or phone call. No reply to the couple of texts I sent him. And when I finally got a reply on the Friday, it was a brief text just saying he had been 'busy with crap at work' all week and that he had to work so couldn't come.
Nothing inherently odd about that obviously, except that up till then he has been texting/phoning every day. His choice, I haven't expected him to, he just started doing it and I went with it. He's also been pretty forthcoming with the compliments, how lovely I am, how he enjoys our time together etc etc, so I guess I feel I have been given the impression that we are possibly entering girlfriend/boyfriend territory.
Anyway, I was disappointed obviously, as I can't see him every weekend due to my child sometimes being at home (he often stays the whole weekend at his dads) and a bit hmm at the idea that he didn't even have time to send one text or make one phone call for three days....but fair enough, life gets in the way sometimes.
Fast forward to last Monday now, all seems back to normal, and we plan the same thing for THIS weekend. Same thing happens, Tuesday and Wednesday, no replies to texts. They were read but not replied to. No phone calls either. So again, it's Thursday now, and I'm wondering what's going on and if he is still coming for the weekend. So I texted and asked outright if he was OK , and if he was still coming. I got the reply 'Stable sorry but I lost a dear friend on Tuesday and I'm not dealing with things very well, I understand if you want to move on, it's not what I want but this is not fair on you xx'
So...Obviously I was shocked, and replied with sympathy, said it was fine, and of course it wasn't an issue that he couldn't come. But I was again a bit hmm that he just went totally silent on me for three days, and couldn't simply pick up the phone and tell me so I knew where I stood. And I thought the comment about moving on was odd, I hadn't said anything to imply I didn't want to see him again.

Anyway, last night I rang to see how he was doing, and because I just thought he might want to talk. Got no reply, so left a normal text message saying basically that.
Got a text later, saying 'Stable sorry, I've lost my friend, I'm dealing with stuff, I don't need this shit'.
Now, I took 'this shit' to mean ME and the fact I have texted and offered to talk. I was pretty hurt and surprised at that, and I rang him back to say so.
He answered the phone and said (again) that he'd just lost his dear friend in an accident with a drunk driver, he was trying to 'sort stuff' out and help the wife etc. He then got very upset, said t that I'd taken that comment the wrong way and 'this shit' meant the stuff he was dealing with, NOT me ...and then said 'I can't be thinking about women right now'.

'I can't be thinking about women right now'???
Am I being totally unreasonable in the circumstances to think that's a weird thing to to me? Suddenly, I'm just random 'women'. Not Stable, not even A particular woman. Women in general.
And am I unreasonable to feel hurt and rather offended, and to think that that's a bit of a red flag about where I would stand in the overall picture every time he has a problem IF we were in a proper relationship?

As I say, I'm old (48) and haven't dated for years, maybe I AM being unreasonable. Maybe my standards of behaviour and politeness are too high, but I would never have said to him 'I can't be thinking about men right now' if the situation was reversed. I just don't get that he's all over me one minute and I'm wonderful, amazing etc etc, then the minute he has something that's stressing him, I'm not even worth a text or a phone call.
I'm confused. Sorry for the long post by the way, but didn't want to drip feed later.

Rainbowqueeen Sat 21-May-16 11:47:37

Delete and block
You deserve better

Sorry this happened but at least you found out early

Scarydinosaurs Sat 21-May-16 11:47:43

I think you need to back off and let him process his grief. You calling after that text was a mistake and he is clearly letting you know he needs space to grieve.

OptimisticSix Sat 21-May-16 11:52:21

Unfortunately I think he's interested any more. I think he's making excuses and agree with RainbowQueen, block him and move on.

sonjadog Sat 21-May-16 11:55:13

It does sound like he isn't interested. I would drop it now and move on.

2cats2many Sat 21-May-16 11:58:56

I agree with the others. Stop calling and texting him and move on.

WriteforFun1 Sat 21-May-16 12:05:54

leave it
tbh I would even be suspicious that he is telling the truth about a loss.


AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 12:07:47

He dumped you the first weekend he was "working" except he didn't have the decency to tell you

Don't contact him again

If a man is not moving heaven and earth to come stay for a weekend he is not into you, or got a better offer.

BatFacedGrrl Sat 21-May-16 12:11:33

Goodness me

Stop calling and texting him. He couldn't care less about you. Block his number , gather up your self respect and move on

glassgarden Sat 21-May-16 12:11:48

Horrid man😤

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 21-May-16 12:17:25

well he didn't lose his friend that first week, and he behaved the same way, so I don't see his behaviour as anything to do with (supposedly) a friend passing. His upset could simply be down to actually having to lie directly on the phone rather than via text.

Delete and block, he's not worth your notice.

StableButDeluded Sat 21-May-16 12:23:48

Thanks, I think I knew it didn't look good, I just needed it confirming.

I would have not been so willing to give him the benefit of the doubt after the first weekend if he hadn't been all over me again afterwards, though. I don't mean all over me physically, I mean the texting me, ringing me, being nice, saying he can't wait to see me and how sorry he was to let me down, etc etc.

That's what I don't get...if a man just isn't interested anymore, why's he bothering texting and ringing? Why not just be upfront and say he's not interested any more, or just not get back in touch after 'binning' me the first weekend.
Oh, here we go...a text right now (I havent spoken or texted him since the call last night, by the way):
'Stable, sorry but you have taken what I said the wrong way again, you are not just women, I really like you, you are special and I do want to see you again. I am sorry once again for the position I am in at the moment'

Don't know what to think again, now.

TooOldForGlitter Sat 21-May-16 12:28:41

He's trying to keep you on the back burner is what I would think.

Just bin him off, it's not worth the hassle. I also call bullshit on the friend death too.

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 12:30:04

Ignore it, your chain is being yanked

StableButDeluded Sat 21-May-16 12:31:00

Just read the last few messages that were posted while I was typing.
Yep, I guess it doesn't matter what he's SAYING in he texts, it's the actions that matter. I'd rather have my self respect than be messed about constantly.
He was pretty hot though, lol.

Kidnapped Sat 21-May-16 12:34:51

He wants you to hang around for a bit in case this other woman that he met last week doesn't work out for him.


ClashCityRocker Sat 21-May-16 12:36:44

The cynic in me wonders if there's something potentially developing closer to home and he's waiting to see how that pans out before getting too involved with you.

Either way, he doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship right now.

Actions speak louder than words; he can say the right things but isn't showing that he wants to be with you.

AnyFucker Sat 21-May-16 12:36:47

The most likely explanations are usually correct

ClashCityRocker Sat 21-May-16 12:37:30


StableButDeluded Sat 21-May-16 12:38:51

God, I must sound terribly naive, being 48 and not being able to tell when a man is messing me about. I guess I've never really dated before, I was married for 20 years until a few years ago, and prior the marriage the few blokes I had relationships with were all people I knew as a friend or an aquaintance beforehand...there was none of this not knowing if they were being truthful or not business. Ah well, you live and learn.

glassgarden Sat 21-May-16 12:38:57

I recon he's using some technique that he read about in the 'manosphere' to keep you under control so that he can have you on hand for casual sex on his terms

Kidnapped Sat 21-May-16 12:39:18

Ha, you're as cynical as me Clash. smile

Oysterbabe Sat 21-May-16 12:39:52

As someone who did a lot of dating pre-DH, he's stringing you along. Dump him.

dowhatnow Sat 21-May-16 12:43:48

Yep back off now. If he's genuine he'll pursue you later. I wouldn't get my hopes up either. If he does get keener later then dump him at the first red flag. He might just like the chase.

Berthatydfil Sat 21-May-16 12:48:27

Yes I wondering if he's a)married or in a ltr b) in an on off relationship c) looking and he's found a better offer but wants to keep you on the back burner,
Bin him

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