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be a bit cheesed off?

(10 Posts)
MissElizaBennettsBookmark Sat 21-May-16 10:25:59

My first post. Please be kind....

Nice but controlling FIL lives close by. BIL lives 40 miles along ring road.

FIL suffering from increasingly bad heart failure, he is 21+stone w very poor mobility and balance. Was in hospital for last 7 days but home now.

DH sees his dad every day when he is home (he works away 3nts a week). BIL claims he can't see his dad during week. So I go and visit when DH is away. FIL is so far refusing home help or any other intervention from SS.

BIL visits him 2-3 times per month.

We are exhausted.

DH has a sister who we are NC. She doesn't live nearby. She lies and steals and is a violent drunk.

BIL invited us over for a meal tonight. We were looking forward to getting away from FIL for one night, seeing BIL and SIL, and we're hoping to chat with them about longer-term ishoos surrounding FIL and his ongoing care.

But BIL has just texted DH to say plans changed. We are now all meeting at FIL's house tonight where SIL is cooking a meal for us all. BIL claims to be upset about this change of plan.

I feel like a bitch for not wanting to go. But feel resentful that our plans for a nice evening have seemingly been kaiboshed by assertive FIL.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sat 21-May-16 10:28:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sat 21-May-16 10:29:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acasualobserver Sat 21-May-16 10:32:12

I would grin and bear the rearranged meal and then organise a separate family conference to discuss FiL's care - without him there. I'm afraid only wanting family as his carers is not sustainable long term.

MissElizaBennettsBookmark Sat 21-May-16 10:48:32

Thanks all.

I totally get that my BIL can't get over during the week. His home situation is quite complicated and I'm surprised he can even get through the day sometimes tbh.

My FIL is quite old fashioned. Can't give away too much without outing myself - I'm freelance as well as studying and running my DS around. But to FIL (and I suspect to BIL too) that means I am available at all times for hospital appointments, trips to doctor, shopping etc. My DH knows that I am generally not available, he is very supportive, and he's told his dad that I'm not always free. I've got exams coming up so I've already made it clear that I am not available for FIL this week. But I already know that this is going to get ignored...Sorry, just venting.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sat 21-May-16 10:51:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards Sat 21-May-16 10:52:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayAChild Sat 21-May-16 11:13:54

I would discuss with your DH exactly what you are prepared to do and when you are prepared to do it. Other than that, let your DH and family sort it out between themselves. You being freelance doesn't automatically make you the carer if you don't want to be.

We had similar refusals of help from SS or carers from MIL - she much preferred me to do it for free. In the end, as she became more dependent, I made it clear that I would do shopping, washing and some appointments but I wasn't prepared to do any personal care, which meant we had to get a cleaner and carers in. If you don't make it clear now, you will end up undertaking more and more responsibility. Take a step back and leave them to it, but support your husband by helping him to arrange outside services when necessary.

MissElizaBennettsBookmark Sat 21-May-16 11:39:28

Thanks again.

I really don't resent going round to help out sometimes. It's when it is expected I feel resentful. I was a carer for my own dad (he had dementia) before my DS was born, and gave up my career 'temporarily' to do it. I'm only just back to the stage I was at before, and determined not to give it up again.

Think that's clouding my judgement.

DoreenLethal Sat 21-May-16 12:13:00

But to FIL (and I suspect to BIL too) that means I am available at all times for hospital appointments, trips to doctor, shopping etc

So stop being available.

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