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Aibu to tell play dates off when the parent is turning a blind eye

(25 Posts)
TiredOfSleep Sat 21-May-16 06:42:37

I hear a lot of 'and the child climbed onto the table/ trashed the garden/ spilt drink everywhere and the parent didn't say anything so I couldn't do anything. I'm fuming. Won't have them round again.'

Is it bad/controlling that I tend to use the 'in my house we... don't climb on the table/are kind/gentle with the flowers... Etc? When the other parent doesn't do anything?

I naturally let my fairly low usual standards slip on some things, but I'm not prepared to have my home trashed by a toddler.

InTheSandPit Sat 21-May-16 06:56:12

I tell other kids off wherever we are.
Told mine and others to stop messing about when they were at risk of ripping clothing, and the other mums (but not main culprits mum, who sends him to the park unattended) said how brave but it was what they were thinking.
I've also told a boy off for running across a very quiet road without looking. That was the day a car was coming. I then texted his mum to tell her to.

So, IMO, YANBU. But I'm sure many others will tell you that you shouldn't interfere.

Janecc Sat 21-May-16 06:57:04

When in someone else's home, I believe it is my responsibility as a guest to treat the hosts home with even more respect than my own. That's me. Your house, your rules op. I would say something, it's no point complaining after the event. These are toddlers, your house, your rules.

HoggleHoggle Sat 21-May-16 06:58:26

I find situations like this excruciating, I hate potential conflict. Had a child come round a few weeks ago who repeatedly smashed a toy hard into my skirting board, I let that one go but afterwards was cross with myself. I'm trying to make it a rule for myself to not let other children do things in my house that I wouldn't let slide with my own child, in fairness to my dc....ie, I need to woman up in awkward situations.

AddToBasket Sat 21-May-16 07:03:47

Unless there's physical danger to DC or some property - do not tell my child off when I am there. If damage is imminent, say something to me and I will deal with it. (If I don't deal with it then, maybe ...)

Don't assume I'm bringing my children up like you are bringing up yours.

TiredOfSleep Sat 21-May-16 07:04:32

I sometimes feel a little mean, but I try to be gentle as they don't know the rules. For example, yesterday a lovely little friend of DD was collecting the contents of the dolls house to take into the garden. I told her they stay with the house cos they get lost or broken easily. She wasn't to know.

OTOH I let the pavement chalk be used as props in the plays house even though I usually control the use to just drawing to avoid it getting broken, because it was only £1 and it wasn't worth the grief.

Will other parents think I'm being rude?

TiredOfSleep Sat 21-May-16 07:06:26

addtobasket I think it's fair to say I don't intervene unless I'm worried the other child is going to damage my DD or my house. Would you let your child climb on my dining table?

Junosmum Sat 21-May-16 07:09:00

YANBU. I'd expect it TBH. Then again, I'd expect the parents not to turn a blind eye, but clearly I'm wrong.

AddToBasket Sat 21-May-16 07:19:08

Did you say something to the parent?

TiredOfSleep Sat 21-May-16 07:27:38

basket That particular example she wasn't paying attention as she was chatting with another friend, I was walking past. So I just helped him down and said we don't climb on furniture.

It would feel a bit passive aggressive to interrupt the conversation to ask the parent to get the child off the table.

I don't really have any outrageous examples of permissive parenting to give, DD is only 2. I'm trying to work out where I stand.

For example, if a parent thought it was fine for their child to have biscuit after biscuit I probably wouldn't say anything to parent or child, but it would be difficult as DD would naturally also want them and it would be double standards to say no.

MeMySonAndl Sat 21-May-16 07:31:42

I intervene if the stuff being damaged is mine, they may be their kids but it is my stuff that is being destroyed. Parents may get embarrassed or feel angry but if that doesn't get them into action to avoid the child destroying stuff, I don't care if they prefer not to return. I would probably won't invite them again anyway.

I do not go all ballistic about it, when I do it is like "Jamie, could you keep your feet away from the wallpaper? it is expensive to replace"

MeMySonAndl Sat 21-May-16 07:33:58

And I'm prepared to follow that with "Jamie, stop doing that and go and play in the garden" (whatever the weather)

AddToBasket Sat 21-May-16 07:35:18

Definitely do not monitor what my DC are eating because it will 'make DD want one too'. That would be extremely irritating.

TiredOfSleep Sat 21-May-16 07:41:43

I like your style me

i feel like im part of the village raising a child rather than interfering but others might not see it that way.

And I'd alway wait for the parent to step up first. And to be fair the vast majority of my friends would.

MrsJayy Sat 21-May-16 07:45:57

I think telling them off is fine its your house rules its not like you are roaring at them just keep doing what your doing if a parent gets huffy thats their problem not yours.

Catsize Sat 21-May-16 07:50:16

What you are doing sounds fine to me. If it was my child on the table I'd feel bad and grateful you intervened. It's not really telling them off by the sounds of things, more a bit of gentle guidance!

GrumpyMummy123 Sat 21-May-16 07:53:00

In my house it's my rules! So if my DS is / isn't allowed to do something then as standard same applies to other child. When DS is in other people's houses or being cared for by someone else I'd definitely expect them to discipline him like they would their own child. He'd soon cotton on he could do whatever he liked and cause chaos if not!!!

Although we don't have many other children coming to play and would be good friends so I wouldn't feel awkward saying something. I'd be more gentle with saying no and might let more slip than usual when another child was here playing, but important to let then know there are still boundaries. If parent was with me but hadn't said anything I'd probably tell child off then make sure I said something polite to the parent like 'oh my gosh I'm so sorry, I hope you don't mind me telling X off like that. I was on autopilot....' Then make lighthearted chit chat alomg the lines of how my child recently broke something by doing something very similar so I'm a bit over sensitive right now!

If a parent got the huff because I'd told off their child for behaviour that isn't acceptable in my house then that would make me feel very uncomfortable and they certainly wouldn't be invited again!

Janecc Sat 21-May-16 07:53:02

I agree with the village mentality. There are many in my village, who only care about their own. I see it as my responsibility as an adult to make sure any child in my vicinity comes to no harm and will say something if I think a child is doing something dangerous. Some parents agree with me and some turn a blind eye.

witsender Sat 21-May-16 07:55:39

I say things too, out and about as well. Always with a smile to begin with, if it continues in my home I get a bit sterner.

MrsJayy Sat 21-May-16 07:56:32

Yeah it doesn't really sound like telling off catsize is right. When my Dc were younger was all about the village it was never really frowned on if you told a kid to get off a wall or to stop doing something

Nuttypops Sat 21-May-16 08:01:52

DD is only 18 months, so my experience of this is limited but I would and have asked her little friends to not do something etc if I am not happy with it when their parents are there but haven't said anything. I would tell my own child off in a more direct manner, eg. "No, we don't pull the flowers out of the ground." and then pick her up and move her away, whereas I would generally say to the friend, "X, please can you leave the flowers alone, do you want to come and play with this?" It is usually enough to call the parent's attention to their child and get them to change the behaviour.

But, I know it is a lot harder with older children. I am a primary teacher, and would struggle not to say anything if I'm honest though. I would hope the parent would realise it was for a good reason and would do the same when my daughter does something they don't like.

Natsku Sat 21-May-16 08:03:19

Never have the parents over when children come to play at ours as they're all neighbourhood children so I have no problem telling them off when they break the rules, and sending them home if they won't listen. I expect other parents to do the same if my DD misbehaves in their home.

If I see a child doing something dangerous anywhere I will say something (like running across the road without looking or waving a stick in someone's face - things I see a fair bit!) if their parent doesn't say something first but parents aren't always around so we have the village mentality in my area - the closest adult tells them off.

Mouthfulofquiz Sat 21-May-16 08:04:36

I would always intervene if my property or home was getting damaged. Or if toys that at important to my ds were getting damaged / lost. We had a play date here last week and now I can't find a couple of new items of clothing because the little darling (my nephew!) was chucking my laundry around and has moved them somewhere. I'd never let my kids do that at someone else's house!!

Andbabymakesthree Sat 21-May-16 08:06:37

Yep if their parents haven't said anything then I will model expected behaviour.

Gently and firmly. Regarding the biscuits if my child had already had two I'd simply say No you've already had two which is enough. If she moaned about other child I'd just say Sorry darling that's up to his parents but you've had enough.

When an older child swearing at soft play I simply said I don't what to hear language like that and neither does anyone else.

If they were hitting my child I'd move my child. Tell them it's not kind and ask where their parents were. If parents were aware but ignoring I'd ask them to please can you watch him closer as he's hitting .

Basket yes parents raise children differently but to be honest if we weren't on same sort of wave length it's unlikely we'd be friends for long. I've found there is a huge different between chilled and out of control.

ConfusedAboutSchools Sat 21-May-16 08:09:05

Addtobasket do you get invited a second time very often? Your attitude sounds very antisocial. What's your view on if your child pushed/hit my child, or shoved my child off a high slide for example and the mum either didn't see or didn't react (due to thinking it's not a big deal). All those things have happened in my house.

OP, myself and almost all my friends do the same, we'd say the gentle 'don't do that darling it might break, let's do x instead shall we' or 'let's all use kind hands, x is a bit sad now, give him a hug etc.' to each other's kids. We do all keep ours in line and would always tell our own off more robustly for poor behaviour in someone else's house, than another child in mine.

Regarding the biscuit thing, if it was in someone else's house I'd not comment (but not allow my own child more than one), but in my own house I'd offer one each, put away and then kindly decline any child's request for another. Bloody annoying to have endless snacks on offer that ruin the next meal. If it's my house I don't see that as monitoring another child's eating.

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