To want the house in my name?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Apologies, in advance, this is a bit of a self indulgent rant and I can't see the wood for the trees right now.

I'm having massive problems with DH, he steamrollers through life doing what he wants and even though I benefit from just drifting and going along with things (I don't worry financially, I go along with his interests and can always find some enjoyment in things) I know the situation is fairly toxic. I've been on the brink of leaving for a long time but I know it would destroy him if I left and I haven't had the guts to do it. And perhaps I'm a bit co-dependent, I've had counselling but still feel unable to get any clarity on what to do for the best.

We sold our family home a few months ago because DH said he hated living there (a big city) and that it was making him depressed. I probably would have preferred to keep it but couldn't financially on my own. The DCs have both left home and are doing fine, we have money in the bank from the sale. Perfect time for me to leave and I fantasise about this constantly. We're now living in a very small house in the area he loves, revolves around his hobby. It's a nice area and despite my initial reservations I've grown to like it.

DH is keen to spend the house money and has been keenly house hunting, I'm drifting along as usual, sort of testing out the ideas. A few weeks ago he found something he really liked but I hated, I found something I liked but he hated. So a stalemate, we clearly didn't like the same thing. But last week I got curious about a place DH had mentioned , went to see it, and totally loved it. Kicking myself for this. I told him I'd liked it, he went to see it and made an offer on the spot, in front of the agent without discussing it with me. Afterwards I told him we should have discussed it and taken it more slowly but he says there was a lot of interest in it and he said he was going to buy it 'for me'. Like he was doing me a favour...I realised with a jolt that yes, I'd like to live there, but not really with him.

So after a day of internally agonising, whether to pull out, what to do, I came up with what I thought was a good compromise: buy it in my name, and put our small 'holiday house' where we now live and own in joint names, into his name. Properties are similar value and I'm sure I could sort out the legals. Well, he went a bit ballistic when I suggested this, perhaps quite rightly? I assured him that it was simply because he always steamrollers over all my ideas and if he said the place was going to be 'mine' (he was referring to me choosing the curtains, etc, as he usually has strong opinions on such things and I couldn't do anything in the previous house without getting his approval...or if I went ahead and did something such as putting up an IKEA shelf in the kitchen I then had to take it down because he didn't like it...eventually I just gave up doing anything) I wanted to feel like it was really mine and to start off on the right foot. Of course it would be 'ours' but in our current place he's made all the decisions, it is very much his place and always has been, I didn't mind as it was his hobby and we weren't living there full time until recently.

I also told him that all property in a marriage was jointly owned anyway so I wasn't trying to cheat him financially...I told him that if we divorced now I would have enough money to buy it in my own right anyway (true). And that he shouldn't be shocked that I was feeling that way or that I'd done all the research on divorce finances given that he should have known how unhappy I've been because I've been telling him, he chooses not to listen.

So...AIBU to stick to my guns about wanting to buy it on my terms? Or should we just buy it in the normal way and I give up dreams of leaving him...or, just exit this toxic situation altogether? I don't want to mess around with the sellers or estate agents but I feel I'm absolutely broken right now. It's all in my hands, if I revert to 'behaving myself' mode, things will go on as ever, I think that is what's depressing me. Plus I've been massively overeating for the past 3 days and resulting weight gain is making everything worse, I feel I've never been so low.

[schmalex]

It sounds like you're really unhappy with him OP. Feels to me like now would be the time to split.

[FirstTimeMummy25]

If your thinking like that get out! Clearly not happy and life av too short to live unhappy!
Good luck

[bettybyebye]

Agree with pp. it would be madness to buy a new house with him now if you're feeling like this. Perfect time to part ways, and you can find somewhere truly for yourself. Good luck

[knaffedoff]

It sounds like you need to look at a period of formal separation before looking at buying another house together, personally I would be deeply upset if my husband showed me a house, but didn't want joint ownership. Also not sure what your financial status is or has been, but for me this is also a consideration

[DaveCamoron]

It'll be a lot easier if you left him now, your idea is madness and over complicated, just leave him.

[Purplepicnic]

Surely the name thing is irrelevant in a marriage. Everything is owned equally and the you decide who gets what in a divorce.

From what you've said, I can't think of a reson you should stay. Is there anything positive left about your marriage?

[BeauGlacons]

Setting aside the fact that he's a bully who makes you unhappy, it's not at all unusual for a property to be in the name of one partner in a relationship. Our principal home has always been in my name only, partly because I owned a house when we met and dh didn't. We are mid 50s now with dc flying the nest.

It's time to put your foot down and exert some independence in or out of the marriage. I think it's harder to leave when you have been together for such a long time because so much of you has been invested into what becomes a joint life as well as a relationship marriage.

Could you organise yourselves more independently fir a while. He has the run of the holiday house, you have the run of the new house and maybe spend weekends together.

I know it's always recommended but it does sound like you could both do with some intervention through something like Relate.

I hope it works out for you and you find a happier place.

[BeauGlacons]

My DH bought our last house without consultation (although would have withdrawn the offer I I'd insisted - but his reasons were sound and part I a plan we'd agreed). Although not a Mnet friendly thing to it was fine for us because there's plenty if underlying mutual respect and love. Also DH has always left running the house and furnishing/decorating to me. But sometimes we both do things without consultation. Some big, some small.

Are you financially independent op?

[AddToBasket]

However lovely the house, I don't think either of you should buy it right now. Your money would be better spent on a counsellor and/or divorce lawyer. Make your decision about the house AFTER you make the decision about the relationship.

He sounds controlling and difficult. I think it will be hard but you will feel so free to leave. Even if you remain married but just take control of your environment. Having your own home and not care about his view of where shelves go will be fabulous. You can invite him over for dinner.

[mrsfuzzy]

marrexit of course !

[bridgetoc]

@MrsFuzzy........ Marrexit!!!! LOL

OP, if you truly do not love your Husband, call it a day. The whole house in my name is not quite right!

[peggyundercrackers]

Up yes I think Yabu. If you want to split up from him do it, tell him you want to live in the house in your own, don't tell him you want your name on the house for some other reason because frankly the other reason isn't driving your want.

If you are buying it as part of a relationship then yes it should be in both names, what happens in a divorce and what is considered shared is neither here nor there because at this time you aren't getting divorced.

[Pseudo341]

YABU to want to put a house solely in your name when you're married. It sounds like you need to sort out/end your marriage before buying a house. I think it might be a good idea to secure half the money somewhere he can't get at it before telling him it's over or I expect he'll hide it all and you'll face years fighting to get your share.

[Fishface77]

God op get the fuck out of there!
Run and don't look back but make sure you take half that money cus I doubt you'll see it otherwise.

[MeMySonAndl]

Forgetting about the house, your marriage is over so there is no point in getting into a huge argument about whose name is in the deeds, as it will only complicate things tenfold to have another house, that you both love, to fight for during the divorce process.

This is the time when you need to sit down for a serious conversation and decide whether you want to work in your marriage or call it a day. Much easier when the money is already in the bank (but also more dangerous as angry exs are good at emptying bank accounts while you are waiting for them to give you an answer).

[Ditsy4]

Nothing stopping you putting your own offer in! Tell the estate agents you don't want your name disclosed. Buy it yourself and live in it yourself. Mumsnet people always say leave him like it is easy. However, you do now have a choice.

[Dozer]

You clearly want to leave him, and have very good reasons to do so (although being unhappy and wanting to leave would be enough) so leave. Get legal advice and get your share of the money and property you already own together.

It will not "destroy him" and even if it did he is responsible for himself: you would not be responsible.

You can buy a property alone later: now is not a good time for that. Renting would be better.

As a start inform the agent that you do not agree with the purchase and will be seeking to stop it, and tell your husband he will not take this decision without your agreement, which you won't give.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I've been on the brink of leaving for a long time but I know it would destroy him if I left

You're somewhat in the position of an explorer faced with a man-eating tiger. You could run away, but then the poor tiger wouldn't have anyone to eat and he might starve. Maybe he'd be satisfied with just a leg and then everyone's happy, right?

Sounds a bit extreme, but this man is gobbling you up piece by piece, not your body in this case but your soul and your brain and your identity as a separate human being. Run away, run away, and don't even hope he finds another explorer to replace you unless it's one who really enjoys being eaten by tigers.

[TheNaze73]

He would have to be an utter moron to agree to the idea. As other posters have said, you need to leave him.

[leelu66]

What is there to stay for? Sounds like an existence, not a life.

Is the money from the sale of your house in the city sitting in your joint account?

I would get legal advice on that, in case he squirrels it way offshore? (Possibly gave read too much John Grisham).

[Blu]

You have told him you are unhappy, and that you have researched the financial implications of divorce etc, you have the financial means to achieve your vision: to live in the house without him!

What is stopping you? Do you not feel important enough to yourself to put your needs for yourself on the agenda?

If you drift around in the slipstream of this selfish man you will just skip further and further away from your own happiness.

Don't buy the house 'in your name', buy the house and live in it as a free woman!

[MiniCooperLover]

It's almost like you're trying to split by stealth without having to have a proper conversation about it and you're hoping he'll just wander off when you get the house? Just leave OP, life is too short to be miserable and it sounds like you don't have financial constraints.

[MrsMcBoatface]

Thank you all so much for the perspective can't answer each individually but much appreciated.
we've been talking this morning, not about the house but he's angling it towards that. He really has no clue why I feel unhappy, as I should feel grateful for all that we do have. I'm not ungrateful! But he says I'm not trying hard enough to love him, that I need to make an effort, he feels unloved and if I don't try harder he will walk off a cliff and it's all designed to make me back down and behave myself. I see through all this thanks to MN and counselling. But it doesn't make it easier to leave, to the outside world we are a couple and we've made some lovely friends in the town.

All our savings are in a joint account which only I have access to (online, he trusts me and I've never given him cause not to). I'll need to decide quickly what to do about the house as I don't want to upset the sellers/estate agent.DH might be able to buy it anyway and I could skip off into the sunset.

[dowhatnow]

If you don't split that money now and do your own thing now, you'll still be feeling resentful for the rest of your life.
Things aren't going to get better. They may get worse. Picture your life in 10 years time with and without him. Facilitate the picture which looks the best.
If you are going to make the break, now is the perfect time.
This, in your name thing is pointless.

[froggyjump]

if I don't try harder he will walk off a cliff confused

there is nothing you can do to make him take his own life if he doesn't want to, and there is little you can do to prevent it if he is really adamant, rather than just threatening you.

This bit struck a chord with me, my DH had been depressed and having suicidal thoughts for a while, but when he laid it on me (and the kids) I told him I was leaving. I had been really struggling with supporting him, but there is no way in the world he was going to lay that burden on the kids, and it was his decision.

He is still here, and we are getting on better than ever, but he really needed to know how badly his depression was affecting the rest of us.

Sorry if this is a bit of a tangent, but don't let this threat get to you