To be annoyed/baffled by this?

(9 Posts)
Backpfeifengesichto Sat 21-May-16 06:21:39

Ok there's a backstory here so I'll try not to dripfeed. DM died over a decade ago, and around 5 years ago DF met someone, which I support and am happy for him about. However SM seems to behave in ways designed to pit us against one another/ test my DF's loyalty unnecessarily. Incidents have been happening for years, e.g. on mother's day one year, me DF and another sibling had made plans and on the Sunday morning I was at house ready to go out for the day and could hear bickering, unsure about what. She left and said goodbye and we started on drive to other city to go and meet sibling for planned day out. It transpired that she had been complaining that she had a meal planned with her own kids and wanted DF to cancel plans and attend the meal. Never went any further but I found it odd. Another occasion, it was a 'milestone' bday for DF and about 2 months ahead I contacted SM to see if there was anything planned and if not to see about arranging something to mark the occasion. She rang me and told me excitedly that she had booked hotel break for just the two if them that she thought he would love but it was a surprise so not to mention it. I was disappointed but agreed and instead tried to arrange something for weekend before. DF told me they were busy that weekend and eventually asked me if I wasn't coming to bday meal on bday weekend. Wasn't sure what to say as I'd been sworn to secrecy etc, but eventually transpired there was family meal arranged with wider family on his side and the hotel break was just for one night. Attended and had chilly reception from my own family, which I was naturally baffled by - first time I'd seen them in years and never any previous issues. Still no idea what it was about.

Anyway, recently signed up to run London Marathon, registered in oct and arranged hotel accommodation, with DF, for him to attend by himself. A family birthday fell the next day, which I have been reminding him about since jan, to avoid any clashes etc. A couple of weeks before event I went to visit and he told me he couldn't make marathon as SM had arranged alternative event same day in relation to the family bday. He hadn't told her about marathon (although I guess she would have been aware via social media) as he said he didn't want her to come along and 'take over'. However in meantime, she arranged this alternate event and for some reason kept it secret until a couple of weeks before. DF said he'd known nothing about it but now couldn't get out of it as the date was set. He didn't attend marathon, although I sent pics etc. Still though, I feel the whole thing was strange and still feel quite annoyed by it. I don't know what the truth was, i.e. if he really did know and put off telling me, etc. I know he just wants a quiet life and wouldn't purposely do anything hurtful. But I don't get why and how an alternate event could and would have been arranged without him knowing. If it was, why? Am still quite cross and wondering if I ABU to feel annoyed? Should I say anything?

Sorry by the way for really long post!

hesterton Sat 21-May-16 06:31:06

It sounds like your dad is a bit weak and goes along with step mum to keep the peace - she is the one he has to see day to day, so he is choosing to keep her sweet rather than honour his promises to you.

She sounds a bit petty and possibly somewhat competitive.

Truly? I would detach a bit and learn not to depend on him. They have each other and you are more.on the edge of their lives. Build friends, resilience and a thick skin - the situation is unlikely to change.

I'm sorry you lost your mum. flowers

cloneroom Sat 21-May-16 06:36:28

My dad is exactly the same. My mum died when I was s teenager and my step mum just doesn't want to know me or my sister.

She and my dad moved abroad we barely speak now. His loss .

Backpfeifengesichto Sat 21-May-16 08:16:57

Hi Clone, sorry to hear about your mom and the lack of contact with your Dad. I have the same feeling with my SM - that she's not interested * because * we're my dad's children, and sees it as a challenge to compete and win his affections. It's all very odd, and a shame. Do you have any contact with your Dad at all now? I feel very supportive of my Dad's relationship as I want to see him happy, but I find it very frustrating that she seems to feel a sense of competition with me - especially as unbeknownst to her I encourage my Dad to work through difficulties they have! I have just been really surprised to experience some really childish and spiteful behaviour from her. I don't know how or even if I should address it. My Dad and I barely speak anymore, whereas once we were quite close and had a really positive relationship. Have you ever considered speaking to your Dad or do you feel you are better off out of it?

Boolovessulley Sat 21-May-16 08:28:23

I think your dad is at fault for not telling am about his plans. Why isn't he transparent with her? It's hardly her fault if she arranges things because she isn't award he has agreed to something else.
The same with Mother's Day. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to assume her husband would be attending a meal with her and her dcs.
On the other hand if your df had told her straight away that he would be spending the day with you then would she have kicked off?

Sorry to be blunt but I do feel a lot of men are allowed to act all pathetic and typical Disney like ( thinking of endless widowers with 'wicked' wives) in these circumstances.

Backpfeifengesichto Sat 21-May-16 09:09:27

Hi Boolove yes I agree. Don't know exactly what the situation was with the marathon but I thought it wasnt on that he blamed it on her - its his responsibiliy to sort out with her what he's doing and claiming that it was all her fault was lame. Although I do also find it strange that she'd make plans that involved him, without letting him know. But of course I only have his version of events, so who knows what the truth is. However she she does have form for that sort of thing, unfortunately. So without definite info, I reserve judgement. With the mother's day thing, she definitely did know in advance, and I found it quite odd that she'd object as a mother herself, especially when I was in the house at the time and of course don't have my own mother there on mother's day. We weren't invited to the dinner either!

They're not married actually, but she does live in his house.

Boolovessulley Sun 22-May-16 14:01:40

In the case of Mother's Day then she should have been fat more sympathetic.

There are some horrible people around.
Personally I would encourage a father/child relationship but guess I may not be in the majority.

It is hard but perhaps you need to step back and let your Df step upto the mark. Sorry this is not what you would gave wanted.

Backpfeifengesichto Mon 23-May-16 22:10:10

The thing is thst she actively tries to discourage us from having any area of our relationship where she is not involved. We already do/did have a generally very positive relationship. I have always been suportive of their relationship, yet she seems to be very threatened. She seems to engineer situations that create a conflict and force my Dad to demonstrate loyalty in either direction. In the case of the marathon, both dates were known half a year beforehand - there was absolutely zero need for there to be a clash. Given that she lied in the past about another big event (presumably with the intention of seeing that I missed it), I'm aware that she is capable and willing to be quite sneaky and underhand. I just find it all exhausting and am at the point where it makes me too sad and angry to deal with. I hate being involved in it all, I find it really unpleasant. I can also see my and my dad are falling out of touch and becoming less close. Life is short and we never know how long any of us will be around for.

Backpfeifengesichto Mon 23-May-16 22:11:20

Thanks @hesterton for the kind message.

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