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To be annoyed?

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Backpfeifengesichto Sat 21-May-16 05:47:01

Ok there's a backstory here so I'll try not to dripfeed. DM died over a decade ago, and around 5 years ago DF met someone, which I support and am happy for him about. However SM seems to behave in ways designed to pit us against one another/ test my DF's loyalty unnecessarily. Incidents have been happening for years, e.g. on mother's day one year, me DF and another sibling had made plans and on the Sunday morning I was at house ready to go out for the day and could hear bickering, unsure about what. She left and said goodbye and we started on drive to other city to go and meet sibling for planned day out. It transpired that she had been complaining that she had a meal planned with her own kids and wanted DF to cancel plans and attend the meal. Never went any further but I found it odd. Another occasion, it was a 'milestone' bday for DF and about 2 months ahead I contacted SM to see if there was anything planned and if not to see about arranging something to mark the occasion. She rang me and told me excitedly that she had booked hotel break for just the two if them that she thought he would love but it was a surprise so not to mention it. I was disappointed but agreed and instead tried to arrange something for weekend before. DF told me they were busy that weekend and eventually asked me if I wasn't coming to bday meal on bday weekend. Wasn't sure what to say as I'd been sworn to secrecy etc, but eventually transpired there was family meal arranged with wider family on his side and the hotel break was just for one night. Attended and had chilly reception from my own family, which I was naturally baffled by - first time I'd seen them in years and never any previous issues. Still no idea what it was about.

Anyway, recently signed up to run London Marathon, registered in oct and arranged hotel accommodation, with DF, for him to attend by himself. A family birthday fell the next day, which I have been reminding him about since jan, to avoid any clashes etc. A couple of weeks before event I went to visit and he told me he couldn't make marathon as SM had arranged alternative event same day in relation to the family bday. He hadn't told her about marathon (although I guess she would have been aware via social media) as he said he didn't want her to come along and 'take over'. However in meantime, she arranged this alternate event and for some reason kept it secret until a couple of weeks before. DF said he'd known nothing about it but now couldn't get out of it as the date was set. He didn't attend marathon, although I sent pics etc. Still though, I feel the whole thing was strange and still feel quite annoyed by it. I don't know what the truth was, i.e. if he really did know and put off telling me, etc. I know he just wants a quiet life and wouldn't purposely do anything hurtful. But I don't get why and how an alternate event could and would have been arranged without him knowing. If it was, why? Am still quite cross and wondering if I ABU to feel annoyed?

Sorry by the way for really long post!

AyeAmarok Sat 21-May-16 06:23:10

Definitely not BU.

Sorry you've got this to deal with. It does sound like it's more her than him, from what you have said.

I think that she'd just love it if you kicked off about it, and she'd deny it completely and act like a little wounded soul, and then force your dad to take her side even more than now.

So I think, if you want a relationship with your dad, you're going to have to be smart about it. Don't let what she does rile you. Smile when she he tells you that she's made another plan that clashes with yours and say very sweetly and innocently "oh what a shame etc". Basically don't rise to it as that's what she wants.

It's crap though - do you think your dad knows what she's up to?

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sat 21-May-16 06:27:30

You aren't being unreasonable, but unfortunately it's par for the course with fathers and stepmothers in my experience.

Backpfeifengesichto Sat 21-May-16 06:28:40

Hi thanks for the advice - yes I think you're probably absolutely right! My Dad is aware - he's said before that she's jealous and insecure and sometimes talks to me about leaving her. I think overall they seem happy and don't think my dad would be happier by himself, and I advise him to work at it. He's told me that he doesn't see any friends anymore as she doesn't like him doing anything without her, and the places where he spends time with friends aren't her choice of venue/ evening out.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 21-May-16 11:43:06

Hi there,

Backpfeifengesichto, it looks like you've started two identical threads. We're going to close this one so that all the responses will be in one place. Here's a link to your other thread so people can respond on that one.

Hope that's okay. flowers

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