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Is it REALLY DD? Another day another incident :( Sorry Long

(53 Posts)
sockrage Sat 21-May-16 05:39:48

I am starting to get cross now tbh.

DD has some learning issues and I will admit she is oversensitive. She struggles socially a lot and does not particularly like other kids. She is very quiet at school mostly and not one to get in trouble. She suffered from bullying at primary and was a nightmare for not reporting it. She had a good group of girls in her class who did luckily.

Now in secondary.

I have posted about this before. DD was the victim of a very serious incident resulting in the expulsion of a pupil in March.

Last week she again reported a fairly serious incident in which she was called an awful name and punched in the ribs and breast. She had a mark on her ribs and missed her martial arts lesson on Saturday because it 'hurt when she breathed in'. She LOVES this lesson and would not miss it out of choice.

I sent a note in to school about it. The boy has some needs and dd actually really likes him so I would be very surprised (and it is out of character) if she would make up an incident about him, in the past dd has been protective of this child.

School rang yesterday. Basically they say that there is always root of dds complaints but that she 'sees things differently to what has happened' They said that they did witness the child being inappropriate in class, they did witness him play fighting, they did tell the other children off for running away from him because he was trying to play fight them BUT they did not see him hit her (even though he WAS seen hitting out) and have basically discredited her.

There was a further incident in which the child was told off from snatching from dd and went on to call dd a nasty name and throw lego at her after he had been told off for the first incident but they are insinuating this did not happen either.

I spoke to school yesterday and they are giving her a book to write down incidents so that they can decide what is normal kids being kids (something I will be very honest dd struggles with) and what needs dealing with.

DD then comes home at home time and there has been another incident.
The classroom they are usually in has been used by a GCSE group. The teacher asks dd to come with her so that she can go back to tell the classroom when they find a room and leaves the other 30 kids put.
They find a classroom and dd is sent back to tell the other kids. The 'cocky' one from the other kids tells the others not to go to the classroom and just skive and say dd did not tell them and tells dd if she tells the teacher she will make sure everyone hates her and will batter her. They say it doesn't matter if dd gets in trouble as she is always good.

DD is terrified of getting in trouble so goes back to the room with a couple of the good kids and tells the teacher. The kids involved end up in detention and spend the rest of the session calling dd names. They have been in detention and now dd is frightened as they said that they will batter her and the child is twice her size.

I am just so fed up of it. DD is rock bottom, doesn't want to be in school and is now upset that she is being made out to be oversensitive and a liar and will have to miss part of her lunch every day in order to report her incident book to the teacher for the teacher to tell her she is being petty.

For the record I also had to deal with her meltdown after a member of staff showed her up in front of the class last week for the presentation of her work when she has a disability which affects this so I am feeling a bit frustrated anyway.

sockrage Sat 21-May-16 06:35:29

Bumping in the hope of a bit of morning perspective.
Happy for views either way.

KnockMeDown Sat 21-May-16 06:41:50

TBH the school sounds dreadful! Finding another classroom - what's that all about? Is it a special school? I don't know the back story, but I would be seriously considering whether it's the best place for her.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sat 21-May-16 06:43:45

Any other schools around? This class doesn't sound like the place for her. Even in a good school you can get a rouge class. I would consider moving her because the unpleasant yr7s are only going to get worse.

DoItTooJulia Sat 21-May-16 06:46:57

I have no experience of the additional needs bit, but I wouldn't be happy with what you're describing.

Your poor DD. Is there a teacher in charge of pastoral support? I don't know what you can do tbh. It's such a shame that school is being spoiled for her. I think all you can do is keep advocating for her. I'd perhaps ask for a more formal meeting about it all.

flowers for her and flowers for you

sleeplessbunny Sat 21-May-16 06:47:59

sorry to hear your DD is having a hard time. The second incident clearly sounds like bullying, have the school responded yet? At first glance I'd have said the same about the first, although the fact that a teacher witnessed it has thrown some doubt on it's seriousness - is there any chance the teacher could be minimising what happened? If your DD had visible bruising it sounds more than play fighting to me.
Are the teachers expecting the kids to sort some of this out themselves seeing as its Secondary? That might be a reasonable expectation for day to day disagreements but what you've described sounds more like bullying and I would say needs proper intervention.

AugustaFinkNottle Sat 21-May-16 06:48:26

The school sounds pretty terrible. If the culture of the school is such that it isn't prepared to deal with bullying properly, I'm afraid your DD is probably better off out of it.

MrsDallowaySaid Sat 21-May-16 06:48:48

Is this some kind of nurture/ SEN class? In my experience, children with learning needs often flock together at secondary, but it also kind of magnifies the issues because they have similar needs! The teacher shouldn't have asked your DD to take that message in the first place, I don't think, it was setting up trouble really. Also, vulnerable children like this shouldn't have to move rooms, their 'safe base' is really important and needs to be consistent. I don't know all the context, so is is just conjecture, but it sounds like get whole group need some social skills type work. Could you meet with the teacher or SENCO or someone to make a clear plan for how you will all work together? I prefer face to face with parents so we can all get it right.

OhtoblazeswithElvira Sat 21-May-16 06:49:40

This sounds like well-established bullying to me. I remember your other thread. The school sound clueless and useless.

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this, she sounds like a good kid.


guineapig1 Sat 21-May-16 06:50:20

I agree that it may be sensible to look at other options, school-wise. You're daughter is clearly struggling there and if things don't improve matters will just get more difficult. The school don't sound particularly pro-active tbh. I would ask for a meeting with the school to discuss concerns and possible change of classroom setting but at the same time looking elsewhere. Perhaps a change of environment to a school more suited to her would be the most attractive option.

RaskolnikovsGarret Sat 21-May-16 06:52:01

Any chance of moving poor DD? How dare the other children/the school treat her like that? flowers for your DD and you.

Jubaloo442 Sat 21-May-16 06:56:28

Agree with the others. This isn't being well managed and the other kids sound pretty awful. Move if poss. Poor girl to have had such a negative start to secondary school. Sounds like there are a couple of kids who stick with her though which is reassuring.

sockrage Sat 21-May-16 06:56:50

Not a special school or an sen class.
Just a bog standard local secondary.

The pupil expelled was a different child without (afaik) SN. He threatened dd with a knife in school.

For clarity dd was NOT play fighting. The kids were trying to do their lesson, the boy was having a bit of a bad day, being very giddy in class, he was the one running around trying to play fight with everyone, the kids were told off for running away from him. From what I can gather dd karate blocked his hit and it made him cross. They saw him hitting and kicking out play fighting but did not see him hit dd.

I have NO issue with the boy btw.

There have been other issues too

sockrage Sat 21-May-16 07:03:10

We are actively looking for schools.

I do not drive but am happy to travel by public transport. The only two schools with available places anywhere reachable both have expelled pupils from dds school in including the boy who threatened her with a knife so I am not able to send her there.

I am on waiting lists for several places and are actively seeking out places that might be suitable.

They have been other issues which I have recorded in relation to failure to support her needs and other incidences of bullying.

TimeforaNNChange Sat 21-May-16 07:04:37

Throwing Lego, running around in class, being 'giddy'?
This isn't a secondary school, it's a kindergarten!

There's clearly no attempts being made by staff to instil a positive attitude to learning.
I appreciate that finding another school may be impossible but it won't be any easier to change the situation in your DDs current school, either.
I think you may need to seriously consider lifestyle changes that will allow you to homeschool - it sounds like your DDs school is badly lettinv down its pupils.

SaltyMyDear Sat 21-May-16 07:04:56

1. Has she got a diagnosis? (ASD? SpLD?).

If not she needs one so start the long process rolling.

2. Is she on the SEN register and are you in contact with the SENCO about her? The senco should be handling this not a pastoral staff member.

3. Can you move schools?

I would. This is a school failure which can't be changed because they fundamentally don't care about Sen / pastoral issues.

Lots of schools are better than this. Talk to the SENCO at all the schools she could possibly move to and you'll see how different they are.

MrsDallowaySaid Sat 21-May-16 07:09:06

I am glad you are actively looking. Throwing things, play fighting, being giddy and hurting others are not acceptable at a mainstream secondary school (or actually any school, but you know what I mean, I hope). Also, the teacher leaving 30 Year 7s unattended to look for a classroom is very bad too- asking for trouble! I would request a meeting with a member of the leadership team as soon as you can

TheoriginalLEM Sat 21-May-16 07:11:37

if this was my daughter id be hone schooling until such time as she is iffered a place in another school.

sockrage Sat 21-May-16 07:12:32


The boy has significant needs, I don't so much blame him as wonder why no one stepped in sooner to a child who was being giddy, running around the class and play fighting at other kids to the point they were told off for running away from him. IMO it was inevitable that someone was going to get hurt if a child was running at people trying to play fight.

Salty she has some diagnoses including sensory issues and we are waiting to see camhs for possible further came up to secondary on IEP and school action plus. I am in contact with senco. There have been issues with her not appearing as SEN on the register.

There have been two occasions in which teachers have told me things about processing and presentation at parents evening and have not known she has an sen which affects this.

Last week she was told off about the presentation of her work in front of the whole class and was very upset about it. Again the teacher had not been made aware she has an sen which affected this.

mummytime Sat 21-May-16 07:35:02

You need to really push for a diagnosis for your DD. If her anxiety gets worse then go back to your GP, and try to get things accelerated.

I would look at all possible schools; ignore if they have a place or if someone has been transferred there from the present school. You are looking for a great SENCO and good systems in place to support children with SEN/SN. You can always appeal for a place in a "full" school.

I am surprised that the boy who was "giddy" did not have a TA with him or at least in the class and remove him to calm down. That kind of behaviour just doesn't sound "normal" for secondary school.
I would also be putting in a written complaint about the failure to properly communicate your DD's SEN needs to teachers. If you have a photo of the bruising I would also send this in with a written complaint about their failure to "safeguard" her in the classroom. I would also get the rib check by a GP if it still hurts.

Do not "feel bad" about reporting the behaviour of another child, you need to be a tiger for your DD (and it can "help" the other child received better support sometimes).

Actually it sounds as if the school is struggling - and may well be trying to cover up as they are worried about OFSTED. Do not go quietly but make sure their is a paper trail about your complaints (email to confirm what was said in verbal chats).

SisterViktorine Sat 21-May-16 07:40:18

If you learned to drive would there be more options available to you?

Are there any 'human scale' or studio schools around you that you could look into? Studios start at Y9 but at least it would give you an alternative plan.

Janecc Sat 21-May-16 07:41:22

This is rubbish. It sounds like when I was at school and it was awful. No, your DD should not have to put up with this and the book sounds ridiculous. It is good she has some friends sticking by her and I would be taking this further and raise a formal complaint.

sockrage Sat 21-May-16 07:44:08

Desperately trying to find a school exactly like that Sister. I think that is what she needs.
I am starting driving lessons.

He did have a TA in class with him. It doesn't appear much was actually done other than a verbal don't do that kind of reprimand.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 21-May-16 08:14:50

The school sounds bloody awful. Telling children off for running away from a boy play fighting. In class. The mind boggles.

mummytime Sat 21-May-16 08:20:17

Sounds totally useless! Sorry but the TA should have intervened, and if she couldn't have got him on track/calm in class she should have removed him so as to calm him down. He was not learning, and was disturbing other children. (I have taught and on one occasion had the TA spending most of the lesson with a 14 year old who was sulking).

I'd be wary of Studio schools, although they can be great in too many areas they are used as an alternative to PRUs. I think your DD needs a school with good discipline, so she can learn.

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