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To refuse my MIL access of our DC...

(251 Posts)
MrsAlexis87 Fri 20-May-16 20:17:13

DH says no way. Which is a bloody piss take, I would love his support in this, but maybe I'm being unreasonable, so here I am!

We have 3 DC. 3 (girl), 5 (boy) and 7 (girl). MIL has been living in a separate country since DS was born. However, she met him just before she left.

DH and I often phone them and FaceTime, etc. always seemed relatively friendly, I admit, my MIL is a bit 'up her own arse', but there we go. She often cries about how she is missing the 5 and 7 year old (obv uses their names) and never really mentions DD2 (she had Down's Syndrome). I kept saying to DH about how I think it may be because of that; he told me to not be silly and paranoid, which I admit, I probably was, and that it's just because she hasn't met her yet. I thought fair enough.

She came back to the UK, she dislikes flying so refused to do the 15 odd hour flight just for a week, so she hasn't seen them in years, DC barely know her, but do speak to her on FaceTime, so familiar. She stayed with us for the first 2 nights. It started from that night really.

Claiming how unfortunate we are to have had a child with Down's. How the other 2 children are absolutely gorgeous, but never mentioning DD2. It was making me upset, as I knew DD2 would go her whole life being different, but I never expected her to 1) receive it at such a young age and 2) from her own family!?

She kept bringing gifts for the other 2 children and then booked a trip to London, to go to that wax place (cannot spell it!) and I said about how DH and I could come along too, as 3 children would be a bit of a handful for her and she goes "no, I'm just taking the grandchildren", I was a bit like... Oh, are you sure you can manage the 3 and she corrects me and goes "the 2". I was fuming. I literally could not believe she was ignoring the fact that DD2 was her granddaughter too.

I called DH upstairs, he said that she is just getting used to the fact she has another Granddaughter. She then leaves after the 2 nights, to go to her rented place. We then received this very long text explaining how she is "finding it very tough to come to terms to have a granddaughter with a disability" blah blah blah. And how it'll be easier for her to just "to stick with the 2 grandkids". I went of in one, had a good old shout to DH, for him to tell me that maybe it'll just be easier all around and that "we need to get used to people rejecting our daughter", erm, no we don't. My argument is, if she wants to spend time with the grandchildren, it includes all of them and not just the ones she picks and chooses. AIBU? Fuming.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Fri 20-May-16 20:21:28

You have a husband problem.

Your mothernin law is a vile piece of work. She's not be seeing any of my children again, and their father would be looking at fortnightly weekend access if he didn't sort himself out too.

I'm so sorry you're married into a family of disablist arseholes.

catsofa Fri 20-May-16 20:21:38

Wow YANBU. Go no contact and LTB if your DH doesn't support you.

wafflesplenty Fri 20-May-16 20:23:33

That's rank.
She can't pick & choose.
If I were you I would tell her accept all the children or fuck off & stay there.
What a horror.
It's non negotiable.
Wouldn't want someone that shallow round my kids to be honest.

weirdsister Fri 20-May-16 20:24:06

Yanbu. What a horrible thing to do.

SouperSal Fri 20-May-16 20:24:29

I'm pretty sure that's the most outrageous thing I've ever read on this site. She'd not be getting within a mile of my children, and my DH could follow her if her wasn't prepared to fight for DD2.

rainbowinfusedspaceunicorn Fri 20-May-16 20:24:35

No YANBU, she's horrible. flowers
What the hell is your husband playing at though, not standing up for his daughter?

TooOldForGlitter Fri 20-May-16 20:25:36

That's horrible. I'm not so good with the advice but I feel really bad for you and the poor child being treated like a second rate grandchild. I'm gobsmacked your husband isn't livid and supporting you.

Chlobee87 Fri 20-May-16 20:27:13

Fucking hell! NO. You are absolutely, completely, 100% NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

I honestly don't know what's worse in this story. Your heartless cowbag of a MIL or your pathetic, disloyal drip of of a husband. I'm actually fuming on your behalf.

What would happen if you just put your foot down, overruled your "D"H and refused to allow contact with his mother? What would he do?

Your DD will unfortunately come across some absolute arseholes who "find it tough to come to terms with disability". That's exactly why her own family ought to be fighting her corner ALWAYS, building her confidence and never giving her reason to doubt herself. It's bad enough that you have to protect her from her grandmother. It's a tragedy that it appears she also needs to be protected from her dad. Unfortunately this is very much one of those situations where standing idly by is worse than being the perpetrator. Her dad needs to step up. He's the biggest problem.

beccabanana Fri 20-May-16 20:27:30

YANBU she sounds bloody awful!!

Spadequeen Fri 20-May-16 20:27:33

No way would I let her anywhere near any of the children. She doesn't get to pick and choose.

What would she do if something happened to one of her other grandchildren, would she disown them too. Vile.

Your DH is just as bad for allowing this to continue.

Spadequeen Fri 20-May-16 20:28:26

And maybe she is having difficulty coming to terms with it, but guess, what, tough shit. She deals with it or she looses them all.

Motherfuckers Fri 20-May-16 20:28:38

I usually feel sad on threads where grandparents are pushed aside, but in this instance your MIL sounds just awful and you should not allow her to be with any of your precious children. Your DH needs to support this decision as continued contact will affect your whole family.

GeekyWombat Fri 20-May-16 20:29:50

What Procrastinator said. What happens when your other two children begin to pick up on how their sister isn't accepted by her own grandmother?!

I'm so sorry you're not getting support from your husband on this. Your DD2 is so lucky to have you fighting her corner. Be strong and good luck.

happypoobum Fri 20-May-16 20:30:29

Agree with others. If DH won't back you on this he should fuck off with his mum when she leaves.

DownUnderBound Fri 20-May-16 20:31:00

I bet your daughter is beautiful. Your MIL is a cunt, and your husband is a cunt, how dare he not fiercely protet his own daughter from such a nasty peice of shit.

emotionsecho Fri 20-May-16 20:31:21

That's one of the saddest things I've read for a long time, your poor daughter.

I agree with you no way would I want MIL to have access to any of the children but as others have said you have a major problem with your husband's views.

Sorry I can't think of anything more constructive or helpful to sayflowers.

wolfpackonly Fri 20-May-16 20:31:29

I feel sick to my stomach.

It would take every fibre of my being not to go to her rented place and kick the shit out of her. Fucking bitch.

She wouldn't be coming near my children again. If your DH agrees, pack him a bag and tell him he can go and stay with his mother.

wolfpackonly Fri 20-May-16 20:32:02

With her I mean. Not you.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 20-May-16 20:32:24

Fuck no! YADNBU.

I'd be tempted to reply with "I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that my children have such a callous, nasty GM so think it would be best if we just stuck to one set of GPs - mine!"

Tryingthisonefornow Fri 20-May-16 20:32:55

No contact?!? I'd quite happily throttle her! Speechless!

Point out to DH that it is not a good example for your older children. You want to bring them up to support and protect their sister whilst all having a loving and comfortable relationship. Dearest granny is dividing them! bitch!

DartmoorDoughnut Fri 20-May-16 20:33:13

What a fucking evil bitch your MIL is shock keep her well away from your kids

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 20-May-16 20:33:20

Oh and you're husband is a disgrace - get used to people rejecting your DD. What a hurtful thing to say.

ilovesthediff Fri 20-May-16 20:34:40

It's all or nothing surely? You can't have the others see behaviour like this.
She sounds utterly horrific.

Peppapogstillonaloop Fri 20-May-16 20:36:38

You husband is pathetic and your mil is vile. You would be letting your dd down if you allow the mil any contact and your husband needs a serious kick up the arse. That is truly dreadful behaviour I am gobsmacked.

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