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To not change my name

(193 Posts)
HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 22:44:24

I'm getting married and the conversation of last names has taken over all the happiness.
I probably sound awful but I'm struggling to want to take on my partners name.
I love him very much but here are my issues
1. His last name and my middle name r almost identical... To lose my middle name would feel like losing a huge family connection. And to have both its just mad!
2 my eldest shares my last name (previous relationship.)
3 youngest has doubled barrelled name- thought we could all adopt this name as compromise.
I understand it's tradition to take his name but we are so not traditional... Please kindly give me your views And what you all think is a good way to move forward?
Also he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage sad

Trills Thu 19-May-16 22:45:12

It's not awful at all.

Over half of all people who get married do not change their name.

Trills Thu 19-May-16 22:45:43

he said if I don't take his name he sees no point in the marriage

Now that is awful.

If he's so bothered about having the same name why doesn't he take yours?

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 22:46:41

He really is quite upset I won't and doesn't understand my reasoning

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 22:46:59

He just doesn't see why he should

KateBeckett Thu 19-May-16 22:48:31


He is being a twat. I couldn't marry someone who tried to emotionally blackmail me into doing something I didn't want to do!

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 19-May-16 22:51:54

Well I'm glad he's got his priorities right hmm.
I'm sorry this is ruining what should be an exciting time for you, I totally understand not wanting to give up your name.

From what you've written it seems as though you see more negatives with a name change than positives - so don't change it.

It's your decision. I took DHs name but keep mine for work, I think to feel pressured to take a mans name simply because you are married is outdated. Only do it if you want to.

He is being very unreasonable throwing a strop about this, not a good sign for the future I fear.

It's your choice. Don't give in just to appease your dp, you read posts on here all the time about women who did just that and now regret it.

HapShawl Thu 19-May-16 22:52:58

"He just doesn't see why he should"

Oh the irony

mariesatonhisknee Thu 19-May-16 22:53:16

I didn't change my name and he got on with it, but more concerned that if you don't change your name he doesn't see the point in the marriage ? It's not just about that is it ? If the 3 youngest are double barrelled compromise for that ? Like I said marriage isn't about changing your name it's all the other stuff so why he is so upset about it.

AHellOfABird Thu 19-May-16 22:53:59

Your name is as important to you as his is to him.

Why does he think his opinion is worth more than yours?

The threat not to marry if you don't comply is a red flag.

Ludways Thu 19-May-16 22:54:35

I took dhs name, I had my reasons at the time and I don't regret it. That said, if II had my time again, I'd keep my own surname., I've since added it as a second middle name.

Ludways Thu 19-May-16 22:55:32

Sorry, I clicked post. He's being completely unreasonable.

AntiHop Thu 19-May-16 22:56:02

Yanbu. I didn't change my name. It's an outdated sexist tradition.

AHellOfABird Thu 19-May-16 22:57:40

What does he suggest happens to the names of the kids?

acasualobserver Thu 19-May-16 22:58:09

For most (reasonable) people this should be a complete no-brainer - keep your own name. I'm not keen on the double-barrelling for offspring though because this just kicks the can down the road - they'll just have an even bigger problem when they marry and have kids.

Spadequeen Thu 19-May-16 22:58:15

Wow. He sounds a charmer. Doesn't see why he should change his name but says you should.

You do what's right for you, no one else. I did change my name, because I wanted to not because of tradition or dh wanted me to.

I would be very concerned about his attitude to be honest.

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 23:00:06

Thank you all for your replies.
When he says he doesn't think we should get married if I don't change my name it confuses me. He proposed and is more into marriage than me! I'm very happy he asked me and would clearly love too but it's all him really confused

WaitingForTheMan Thu 19-May-16 23:00:41

Oh he's being totally U, what's in a name?
Well a lot it seems, if he's so attached to his name why can't he see why you wouldn't be attached to yours?

HapShawl Thu 19-May-16 23:00:43

Not necessarily a bigger problem acasualobserver - it could just be seen as a wider range of options smile

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 23:01:59

He thinks my eldest should have name changed via depol and youngest re registered as a child of marriage... Youngest last name is double barrelled for the same argument really

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 23:02:42

Then eventually all have his last name

thatorchidmoment Thu 19-May-16 23:03:36

I took DH's name because it's easier to spell I wanted to. I love him and our lives are intertwined. We became a family when we married, and sharing our name was a small part of that. I realise other people feel differently and that's perfectly OK.

Your choice whether you do or not. I know plenty of people who keep their name for professional purposes and take their husband's name for domestic stuff or whatever.

Double barrelled is obviously an option if you want that.

Suggesting that there is no point in marrying unless you change your name is ridiculous. I hope it was something irrational he said because he was upset and sees how stupid he was being when he thinks about it a bit more.

HeresashatinaboxpAt Thu 19-May-16 23:03:43

I do totally understand what you mean about future names but if youngest chooses to drop one or both names then that's a decision I'm happy to support

AHellOfABird Thu 19-May-16 23:03:46

Again, why does he think he is more important than you?

How old is your eldest?

Topseyt Thu 19-May-16 23:04:29

There is absolutely no obligation to change your name once married.

Tradition did sort of dictate it years ago but not so much now.

It all boils down to personal choice. I did change to DH's surname on marriage. That was my choice, and it meant I would share the same name as any children we might have, which was important to me and to both of us. I don't think DH would have given two hoots if I had elected to stay with my maiden name though.

Your DP sees no point in marriage if you don't want to change your name?!! Why? It almost sounds as though he sees it as the whole reason for getting married in the first place, which is bollocks of course.

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