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To say stay on your own or don't stay at all.

(40 Posts)
jellycake Thu 19-May-16 20:15:15

Long story short: Dm has a new fella, he lives abroad, she lives a good 5 hours drive from me. I met him last time he was home, at my mum's house- he's ok, I found him fairly boring but not objectionable. Met him in total three times. He went back to his country but came back about a week ago. Dm and him seem to be inseparable, every time I phone her he is there and I feel like I can't have a proper conversation with her as she is different when he is around.
I phoned her tonight, he was there, they have been away for a few days. Normally at half term, she comes to stay with me for a few days. She asks if the two of them can come to stay. I don't have a lot of space so she said they would stay in a Travelodge.
The trouble is, I don't want him to come. I hardly know the man, I would like to spend some time with my mum and don't want to spend it with the stranger that she is when he is around. I feel like I should offer my bedroom and sleep in the spare room so that I am offering hospitality but...I don't want to.
I feel so unreasonable and childish, I'm 44 ffs. Do I need to get a grip?

AgathaMystery Thu 19-May-16 20:16:43

YANBU. been where you are. It's rotten to miss your mum when she's literally in the same room xx flowers

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 20:25:26

Thanks Agatha that makes feel a bit better. I am sitting here in tears this has just upset me so much but I also feel so unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with the man, he's just not welcome and why does she need to bring him with her ffs? I'm also quite angry with her.

Notsure1234 Thu 19-May-16 20:31:45

Yanbu at all but you know your mum best and how she may react to telling her he can't come

Gide Thu 19-May-16 21:08:19

If he's going to be a permanent fixture, I think you should accept this and start getting to know him. If you don't have lots of room and I'd feel a bit weird having my dm's bloke to stay, then agree to her staying at the Travelodge.

emilybrontescorset Thu 19-May-16 21:24:23

Let them stay at the travel lodge but do meet up.

How did they meet?
Are you worrying that he isn't genuine, is that what concerns you.
I'd he the same age as your mum or younger?
There are a lot of con artists about so I dong blame you for being sceptical of him. However your mum is an adult and free to see who she pleases.

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 21:35:55

He's not a con artist, she's known him for a long time but have only recently started spending time together. His home is in Australia! My mum lives in the UK. I'm worried about her getting hurt, she always seems to move at a million miles an hour in relationships (this is the fourth in about 25 years). It pisses me off that she can't spare me a couple of days alone, I don't know when he is going back.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 19-May-16 21:39:52

I think Yabu!!

You are a big girl now! Why should she tailor his visits around you? He lives in Australia fgs maybe they were made in love and desperate to see each other?

Please be happy for your mother, nothing stopping you visiting her on a weekend when he goes back

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 21:51:02

No nothing except a 10 hour round trip!

BillSykesDog Thu 19-May-16 21:51:29

YABU. Presumably you have or have had your own partner? Maybe have children? How would you feel if your mother extended invitations which excluded your partner or children?

She's entitled to her own personal life and independence and it's really not fair to expect her to pretend nothing has changed for your sake.

It might be hard getting used to, but if this relationship is making her happy you're really going to have to get used to it, because it's not fair to make her feel she has to choose between you. Especially when there doesn't seem to be any good reason to reject him.

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 21:52:28

I'm not asking her to tailor his visits around me. If she doesn't want to come that's fine, if she does, then come alone.

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 21:54:51

She's been with this man since March, actual time spent together is probably no more than 4 weeks. I haven't imposed a partner of that length on her.

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 21:56:00

And I didn't extend the invitation, she invited herself because that's what usually happens in half term. I

SilverGiraffe7 Thu 19-May-16 22:04:10

Could you agree to the travelodge but ask her if you could have a day together for some mother/daughter time?

newmumintown Thu 19-May-16 22:07:06

If you have a good relationship with your mum, couldn't you just explain that you miss her and want her to yourself for a bit? My mum and dad are still together, i get on fine with my dad, but I still enjoy time with just my mum sometimes! Surely your mum will understand your pov? Could she come for a few days on her own first and him join you both for a night to give you chance to get to know him better?

marmaladegranny Thu 19-May-16 22:09:23

I do feel for you OP - it is a really hard position to be in. But what is the alternative? Suck it up - or you may alienate your DM and loose any relationship with her.

WriteforFun1 Thu 19-May-16 22:22:12

You want to spend time with yiur mum, not her partner
If it was a friend with a new boyfriend visiting I'd say the same

jellycake Thu 19-May-16 22:22:58

Marmalade that's what I'm worried about. I guess I'll just have to pull up my big girl pants and suck it up. I'm a bit sick of it tbh. Every time she's met someone new (and it's only the fourth in 25 years so I'm not saying she's putting it about or anything!) she seems to be surgically attached to them. It started when I was 16 when she and my dad split up and has been on and off since then.

Thatrabbittrickedme Thu 19-May-16 22:23:17

I feel for you too OP, but if your DM genuinely likes this guy, I feel you should take the opportunity to get to know him. Let them stay in the hotel, and ask your mum for a day where you get to spend time just the two of you, seems like the best compromise to me. You shouldn't have him to stay at yours until you are more comfortable with him

halighhalighaliehaligh Thu 19-May-16 22:29:20

I think YABU. You can see your mum on her own when her partner has gone back home. You say you hardly know him and it will remain that way if you insist your mum visits alone when he's here.

Redtomatojuice Thu 19-May-16 22:35:45

I think it is a bit mean of you OP, so what if he doesn't last, she wants to see you and share her life with you, I bet she met a few of your boyfriends, or your friends, and didn't insist you were always there for her, one to one.

It is time you grew up. Your mum is older, she's facing life possibly old and alone, she's getting out there and trying. She's even thoughtful enough to stay in a travel lodge. Give her some of your time, tolerance and compassion, she probably deserves it. She probably wants to show you off!

And if you want some one to one time, go visit her when she's not got her man around.

Iknownuffink Thu 19-May-16 22:50:52

Let him stay, if only to suss him out.

You mum may be linked by the attention from him.

familygermsareok Thu 19-May-16 23:41:50

I know where you are coming from, it's hard to accept, especially when your mum acts differently. My mum started a relationship with a man I could barely tolerate. She married him fairly quickly and totally changed personality. She used to run her own small business but suddenly became unable to cope with making minor decisions or even going out for lunch without him. I basically had to accept he came as part of the package or I would never have got to see her. The sun shone out of his arse. When he drank too much at a BBQ we held mum actually convinced herself someone had spiked his drink!! Everyone there was our close friends, mum had known many of them for years too. I was so angry
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Sadly IME you will probably just have to accept that your relationship with your mum may now be different, but you can still enjoy seeing her if you accept this and manage your expectations. She is entitled to make decisions about her own relationships, certainly.
Doesn't stop it being hard though flowers

icy121 Thu 19-May-16 23:51:01

Travelodge?! YABU! Air BnB have much nicer options at similar low prices!

But being serious... As you said, you've got to be a big girl. She's your mother but your relationship now is adult to adult and you can't expect your mum to revert to being mummy and putting you first anymore. She's done that. Is it so bad if the feller turns up? Keep the peace.

Cardigan4eva Fri 20-May-16 06:18:36

regardless of how she acts in relationships, if you love her and choose to have her in your life then you have to take the rough with the smooth.
She does not exist in the works just to be your mother and to continue to be the same for your sake. You are denying her autonomy or separateness by saying that you want some sort of neutered version of what she currently is, otherwise your feelings will be hurt.

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