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Who is BU? Me or my Mum?

(42 Posts)
WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 19:34:35

I've just stormed off upset to my room like a petulant child. I'm upset but don't know if I am unreasonable to be upset.

I work 9 hour shifts in a city a 1 hour commute away. My other half works 12 he night shifts half the week. We have a DD in private nursery.
On days when my partner is working, my mum picks up DD, brings her home to my house (which I'm renting from my mum, she has a room here), her partner comes over and we all have dinner here together. Mum cooks as by the time I get home, it's too late for DD to eat.
Yesterday we had a visitor here when I got home from work absolutely exhausted. When visitor left at around half 7, mum started cooking. After dinner, I put DD to bed, and went to bed myself around half hour later. Dishes were left overnight.
I left for work at 6:45 this morning, no time to do dishes. Mum did them in her lunch hour.
I came home tonight, mum has gone through the cupboards looking for something to cook and is complaining that we don't have anything here to cook. No potatoes, foil or jars.
My partner had stopped buying food for these nights as it was going to waste. We'd end up having Chinese or something instead and throwing the food out.
Mum moaning at me that there's no bread. I said that she knew there was no bread here last night, if it was an issue, she could have told me and I would have picked some up on the way home (we don't eat it). This has irritated me - a simple text and I would have got some. There's no need to be in such a mood.
As I sit down to eat my dinner. Mum asks if I'm sulking. I tell her I'm peed off because of the bread issue - what am I supposed to do about it now? What is the sense in moaning? Mum rears up and says she's not complaining about that, she's complaining about everything - no food here for her to cook. She had to do the dishes in her lunch hour. She runs around after my child dropping her off and picking her up.
I feel attacked. Having typed all of this up now I can see where she is coming from but: it's my house and I would rather she didn't use her lunch hour to wash up. I would have done it at some point when I had free time. Her cleaning up makes me feel like an utter failure and as if she's judging my housekeeping.
I would dearly love to pick DD up from nursery every day but I'm not home in time. I feel deeply guilty about this and am upset that mum feels it is a chore.
If mum was willing to communicate/tell me/discuss meals for these evenings then of course I would buy the bloody food to have here. I've given up trying to discuss it with her as she never gives a straight answer. When there is food here she gets takeaway instead.
I'm BU aren't I? sad I should be more grateful.

NeedACleverNN Thu 19-May-16 19:40:35

It sounds like your guilt is making you over react really...

mrschatty Thu 19-May-16 19:41:23

Sounds like alot of tension which comes from grown up adults having ti cohabit with parent and include children and another partner into the mix it's a bit of a minefield.

I think your mum is BU on the communication re food issue. However she could have used her lunch hour to go gt her bread and not do the dishes. Then again shed still have to do the dishes this evening before cooking anything else so ergo your mum is default dish washer anyway...
I also think you are BU as your mum quite clearly is doing alot for you and flouncing off to your room won't resolve anything. It's heartbreaking that you can't pick up your Dc and you feel she sees it as a chore but maybe in a way it is. She is the grandmother and she's raised her kids etx she may no longer be enjoying her current role as it is in your set up. You really need to have a full chat. flowers

Arfarfanarf Thu 19-May-16 19:42:04

It is a bit weird to have no food in the house, no tins, no bits in the freezer.

If living together isnt working it might improve the relationship to live separately.

I think it can be impossible to live with a parent when you are an adult with a family of your own. It's too easy to slip into weird parent/child roles that are incompatible with independant adulthood.

Sit down with your mum for a cards on the table chat. See if living together is really working for all of you.

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 19:46:23

There is food here. There's plenty of stuff in the freezer and rice etc. in cupboards.

Mum only stays here 2 nights per week now as she stays with her partner the rest of the week.

CinderellaFant Thu 19-May-16 19:46:50

I think expecting your mum to feed your child but not having any food in the house to do it is unreasonable.

memyselfandaye Thu 19-May-16 19:47:53

You say your Mum has a room in your house, that you're renting off her. Do you live with her? Or does she stay over occasionally?

Did you have any food in for your Mum?

GloGirl Thu 19-May-16 19:47:56

Your Mum looked after your child, cooked dinner, no one washed up afterwards, went to work, came home in her lunch and washed up, came home to cook again and there was no food. You sat down to eat, sulking and then complained she didn't ask you to get bread but told you that you were out of bread and that was unreasonable?

Now you've come on here to say that your live in cook, nanny and cleaner has got the hump? Presumably you just pay her one squillion pounds for you to be annoyed about her attitude?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 19-May-16 19:49:47

Your mum is doing you a massive favour and is feeling unappreciated. You are working hard and trying and feeling overwhelmed. No one is unreasonable.

maddy68 Thu 19-May-16 19:51:30

Sorryd, I think your mum is correct! You're expecting her to do all the chores and not providing her with he food to do the cooking that you expect. I also think your guilt is making you over react
Make her a coffee and apologise

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 19:51:45

There was food here and everyone has eaten this evening.

Waltermittythesequel Thu 19-May-16 19:54:05

Your mum stays in your house two nights a week so she can look after your dd, cooks, cleans up after you all...

Are you 13?

You owe her an apology.

Arfarfanarf Thu 19-May-16 19:56:56

So when you said she was complaining there was no food? She meant nothing she wanted to cook?

I do think you need to all sit down together and discuss whether this is still working. It isnt enough to need her, everyone has to be happy with the arrangement and not feel used or got at.
The fact you say you did a strop clearly shows the dynamic is messed up. That'll happen if you're still in a sort of dependant role with your mum, often no matter how nice everyone is.

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 19:58:19

Thanks everyone. I feel like a shit person. What a horrible daughter I am sad

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Thu 19-May-16 19:58:22

If she lives there two days a week, she could have bought some bread, no? hmm

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 20:01:42

I am more than happy to nip to the shop on the way home to get bread. Neither my partner nor I take sandwiches to work so no need for bread in my eyes but I can get some of she needs it. Nothing is a problem if she'd just tell me rather than grumble about it when it's too late :/

Arfarfanarf Thu 19-May-16 20:04:03

Come on. Don't be dramatic. There's nothing to suggest you're a horrible daughter. It's just a situation that clearly isn't working and you need to talk with your mum about it.

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 20:06:33

I just want to be independent and not have to rely on other people to do things like this. I think that is why it stings when she makes me feel inadequate.

WishYouWereMine Thu 19-May-16 20:07:55

I'm trying my damnedest to be a good mum and do well in my job but I can't do everything and I don't like feeling like a failure.

RosieandJim89 Thu 19-May-16 20:08:13

This sounds a lot more complex than I think people appreciate. To me it sounds like your mum resents doing the things that you wish you could and feel guilty about not doing for your DD. I get the guilty feeling. I dropped DS off at 8am and have just come home to find he is already asleep. I really want to cuddle him!
You need to start doing things to make this easier for you all. Discuss meals no matter how hard or perhaps get a slow cooker to reduce cooking your mum needs to do. Not sure what else could help but maybe you could start showing more appreciation for what she does. Not saying you dont appreciate it just perhaps you don't SHOW it.

Arfarfanarf Thu 19-May-16 20:09:55

thanks sit down with your partner and work out how to make that happen.
Discuss with your mum what needs to change in the short term (from both sides)
Tackling things that are not working well is a step to independence

FlyingElbows Thu 19-May-16 20:11:49

Maybe try laying off the passive aggressive "what a horrible daughter I am" bollocks too. Attention seeking dramatics will not endear you to your mother.

memyselfandaye Thu 19-May-16 20:14:22

If you want to be independant then finding another landlord would be a start.

I'm not having a go at you, it just seems like while your Mum is the landlord she will see you house as her home so maybe moving out will help.

memyselfandaye Thu 19-May-16 20:15:02

your house

Canyouforgiveher Thu 19-May-16 20:15:33

I think you are exhausted and overwhelmed trying to keep everything going - work, your dd, childcare, house etc. It is pretty common when you both work full time and have a small child.

I think your mother was frustrated and probably also tired. Perfectly understandable.

I think you should sit down with your mum over a cup of tea and ask her how you could make it easier for both of you. Like maybe always having a loaf of sliced pan in the freezer, having dinners in the freezer, having pasta and a jar of pesto or sauce ready for those nights she picks up.

I think the bottom of this is you'd love not to need her help but you do and she helps willingly but occasionally makes a criticism or what sounds like one and you feel miserable and guilty. But none of this means you are a bad daughter or a bad mother. nor does it mean she is a bad mother or grandmother. You are all trying your best. Sometimes it gets tricky.

And I do think if you slightly resent the fact that you need help in the first place, it can stop you expressing gratitude/appreciation the way you would if you didn't feel that resentment. I don't mean you resent your mother just that you hate needing her help. But that shouldn't stop you saying "you're great and we couldn't do this without you- thanks"

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