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To think it's not too much to ask??!

(30 Posts)
Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 19:29:58

That my friends enquire into my IVF? I have been TTC for 4 long years and we attempted our first IVF session very recently. I was very excited about this and we were very hopeful. Found out today that it hasn't worked.

I have been very vocal about our difficulties - I am to blame, DH passed with flying colours. I have found that friends will ask from time to time, but with all the cliches thrown in ("why not adopt?" "Go on holiday and it'll happen"). My close friend had a baby 2 months ago and she has been relentless the entire pregnancy. Constant updates, 'bump' pics, tales of how she conceived the month she came off the pill and now almost daily baby pics and moaning about being tired. I get it, she's on cloud 9.

I told all my close friends (about 6 people) and NOONE has enquires how my IVF is going. I feel so let down as I'm always the first to support them. Today has been a bad day so I appreciate that it is clouding my judgement but I'm at the point where I want to tell them all to fuck off and send them all a piece of my mind.

Vixxfacee Thu 19-May-16 19:32:15

I am really sorry to hear about your ivf flowers

I really do understand. From my experience my friends aren't bothered either. No one asked me anything.

I think for us it is so intense and takes over your own life. Some others do not understand it.

The think about adoption comments make me fuming.

Do you think you will try another cycle?

Vixxfacee Thu 19-May-16 19:33:11

Also it is ok to be honest with them. You have gone through a shitty time and they should know that they haven't been there for you.

ThatsMyStapler Thu 19-May-16 19:33:26


Maybe they dont want to ask in case it is bad news xx

I have 2 friends who have done IVF (that i know of) and both failed on the first time, but got lucky on the second one? Are you able to have another go when you feel up to it?

StopShoutingAtYourBrother Thu 19-May-16 19:33:26

I'm so sorry OP flowers

You must be very upset.

I suspect your friends are trying to be tactful, and feel that by asking you, this might be the wrong thing to do?

ToxicBits Thu 19-May-16 19:34:58

Tbh I'd be mortified if people asked me continually about our ttc antics (they do anyway in the unsubtle "will you have any more?") but each to their own. Perhaps they feel they're doing the right thing in respecting your privacy?

DuckAndPancakes Thu 19-May-16 19:36:31

I think it's a very difficult situation for people to ask about, especially when you've made it clear that "you are the problem" as it were.

Asking how it is going without prompting could be taken the wrong way by some. If you're having failed cycles and your friends are having babies, they might not want to remind you of your "failings" if you see what I mean? I'm sure it's not a case of NOT caring at all. Maybe you should broach the subject with them and tell them how it is going and how hard it is. Explain that it's something you need support from your friends with, that you need to talk about, that you want people to enquire about.

I think you're right that your judgment is currently clouded by your emotions, don't let it push your friends away who may be feeling a bit unsure of how to approach the situation.
flowers hope you feel better soon x

Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 19:36:32

Vixx, thank you. So sorry to hear that you understand. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Are you currently receiving treatment. I find it unbelieveable that people can't try to understand, one of my friends was single for ages and I spent hours talking to her about men she was seeing and she still says to this day that I was the most understanding. Somehow she can't remember to send me a text.

We'll definitely try again, the desperation I have for a baby is indescribable and I will do anything at this stage.

snorepatrol Thu 19-May-16 19:38:19

I'm sorry you're going through this and you do seem very open about things.

I haven't had to have IVF so this is totally from an uneducated novice perspective but I would honestly avoid asking you how you were getting on to be completely honest.

Not because I don't care or don't want to know I just wouldn't want you to feel like I being nosy and upsetting you in the process.

I'd genuinely just wait until you brought it up and discuss it with you then. I wouldn't just outright ask because I wouldn't know if that was the right thing to do.

I did have a friend who went through IVF and some days she's be really chatty about things and other days she's not want to talk and be tearful so I just took the lead from her.

After reading your post it was probably the wrong way to act but maybe your friends just don't want to make you uncomfortable if you don't want to talk about it.

Do you think maybe you could be in a position where you tell your friends how things are going and tell them it's ok to ask?

I'm sorry if I've come across as insensitive I just didn't want you to feel like you're friends were being deliberately awful when they may think they have your best interests at heart?

DoreenLethal Thu 19-May-16 19:39:00

I find it unbelieveable that people can't try to understand

You have no idea if they are trying to understand or not. I would not know how to even start asking about IVF if a friend was desperate to have a baby and was in your position.

Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 19:39:11

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your comments. I jut can't help but feel contempt for my friend bombarding me with pictures and videos every 5 mins. I just would never do that.

snorepatrol Thu 19-May-16 19:41:02

I do think you friend should stop bombarding you with pictures though I know she's happy but it is very insensitive.

newmumwithquestions Thu 19-May-16 19:41:59

flowers for you OP.
We had fertility treatment and actually I didn't want anyone to ask, I had one friend that did and I found it too much, it was too full on to start relating what was or wasn't going on. I told her I'd tell her if it worked in my own time but didn't want to be asked.
I've also had several friends that had fertility treatment and I deliberately didn't ask - again I knew they would tell me when and if ready and in this case no news was bad news and they probably didn't want to talk about it.
So I'm guessing that your friends are trying to be sensitive by not asking rather hassling you for updates.

MagnifiMad Thu 19-May-16 19:42:01

oh Whaaat, I am sorry that people haven't enquired and, in my book, being caught up in your own baby isn't really an excuse.

I am a member on another, smaller forum, and when of of the ladies on there reported spotting in her IVF pregnancy, she was foremost in my mind even though I had never met her and I was actually going through labour and birth on the same night. It didn't stop me sharing my news but I tried to be sensitive to how she was feeling.

Can you reach out to the people who know - I know you wish they remembered and I think YANBU to think that they could have remembered but since they didn't, try to send a text to whoever you feel closest to say that you've had bad news in relation to the IVF or a BFN or however you want to put it and give them a chance to reach back?

Big hugs, I know how heartbreaking all this is.

Vixxfacee Thu 19-May-16 19:43:07

Whaat I am in the middle of it. I have been trying to conceive for 4 years and have had a miscarriage.

People can be selfish. It is not one day you wake up with a baby after fertility treatment. It's months/ years of waiting, different tests, daily injections, side effects from injections and tablets, sedation, weight gain. To me it should be human nature to ask your friend How are you?

What treatment did you have for this cycle? There are a few very good threads on infertility with some amazing women who have gone through and been through exactly what you are writing about. I wouldn't have been able to get through as well as I have with out them. Come and join the thread!

YoungGirlGrowingOld Thu 19-May-16 19:43:40

Your friend is insensitive, no doubt about that.

The others probably feel a bit awkward. If it had worked maybe you would want to keep things under your hat until 12 weeks? I am currently 10 + 1 after a frozen IVF cycle and have been very open with friends bit of a gobshite They were way too keen to know all the gory details and have known about the pregnancy from the beginning - that's not ideal either. I am now worried that my boss will find out before I am ready to tell him.

I hope you have good news soon OP.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 19-May-16 19:44:13

I've had a few friends and relatives go through IVF. I would never have asked any of them because I assumed that they would tell me, around 12 weeks, if there was good news. I would also assume that if they needed support, they would tell me they hadn't conceived. That may just be how we are, though.

However I wouldn't have inundated them with pregnancy and baby stuff either.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. 💐

Witchend Thu 19-May-16 19:52:48

Having had friends that struggled to conceive, I wouldn't ever ask how it's going at all, and I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have wanted me to except one person who is very close and told me as things happened, but I wouldn't ask directly. I'd say "how are things?" and she'd tell me all she felt able to tell at that point.

Either the news is bad, or it's still in process and a lot of people don't want people to know until it's "more secure" as it were.

I think if you want people to ask then you may need to tell them it's okay, even you'd like them to ask.

But the bombarding with baby stuff is thoughtless at best.

Hope it all goes well flowers

Vixxfacee Thu 19-May-16 20:00:49

I don't think it's about asking the ins and out of ivf it's about asking are you ok.
Ivf is a lonely place.

Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 20:06:26

Thanks everyone. Vixx we did a course of invitro maturation. Will probably try this again when the dust has settled. You sum up my feelings perfectly.

Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 20:08:27

My 'baby' friend once asked "how goes the baby stuff?" About 5 months ago (just before telling me about her baby moving). I hated that. As if she was asking me if I had managed to find the perfect shade of paint.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 19-May-16 20:10:48

I've had a couple of friends go through IVF and they felt under immense pressure to conceive. I was 100% there when they wanted to talk about it, but I wouldn't have asked them how it was going because I'd have felt I was putting them under more pressure to conceive.

I'm really sorry this cycle didn't work out flowers and I don't think you should think of yourself as being to blame and DH as having passed a test.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 19-May-16 20:18:34

I'm sorry the first attempt failed, I hope the second brings good news 💐🍫

Is your friend who had the baby sending texts, emails, photos directly to you or just posting it all on social media. If it's directly to you then she needs telling, can you get a mutual friend to pop into her baby bubble and tell her not the be so insensitive. On the other hand if she's just posting on social media you might want to tell her that while you are struggling with IVF you are going to defriend her on social media because you're just not coping with that side of things right now.

As for your other friends...I think given how open you have been they probably should have felt it was ok to ask how it was going or at the very leas how you are doing, but maybe they don't know whether to ask or not and are hoping for an update from you. If it was me, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, let them know it was unsuccessful this but say something like 'I just want to let you know that the IVF didn't work this round. Naturally we are incredibly disappointed but will be trying again. I've found it a very lonely & isolating experience this time. Please feel free to talk to me about it and ask anything you like - I'd far prefer that'

Then your next round will sort out good friends & fair weather friends. There's nothing wrong with fair weather friends, as long as you know who they are and invest only as much as you feel ok doing in those relationships.

When will you start the next round?

Familyof3or4 Thu 19-May-16 20:24:57

I feel for you but I think people don't ask as they don't want to pry - they think with something so personal and important that you would bring it up if you wanted to talk about it.

Let them know you want to talk then I'm sure they will be grateful to find out and support you

Whaaat Thu 19-May-16 20:29:39

Thanks ExtraHot, very helpful message. She only posted the announcement on Facebook, so directly contacts me with the pics of her. Probably contacts me every day or every other day. We have an appointment with the dr next week and he'll probably advise us then about the timing of our next attempt.

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