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To not want to go OUT Friday night for send off meal for an uncle I’ll never see again.

(38 Posts)
FamiliarSting Thu 19-May-16 18:47:06

I have never been close to any of my dad’s family.

My dad’s mother died a couple of weeks ago, the funeral was last Friday and his brother, who I’ve never met and who hasn’t visited or been in contact with my dad for 35 years, came back to go to the funeral.

On Friday evenings me and my two children go to my parents’ house for dinner. Last Friday my dad’s brother came too. We barely spoke, he spent most of the evening playing with my dad in their games room.
He was supposed to be leaving this Wednesday but extended his stay to Saturday morning.

My mum just texted me to ask if I’d mind eating at my dad’s sisters place on Friday instead, so that we could have a ‘goodbye meal’. The original plan was that he’d come to my parents’ again.
My dad’s sister is in a wheelchair and doesn’t want to go out anywhere, though he’s taken her places before so she could, if she really wanted to.

There would be my parents, my dad’s brother, his sister, me and my two daughters, 7 and 3. (His sister is nice but we’ve never been close. We're closer than I am with his other two siblings, we see her a few times per year, the rest of his family not at all.)

I do not want to go. Call me miserable but I do not enjoy going out anywhere on a Friday evening. I find the week tiring, I enjoy chilling out on Fridays; my parents’ house is two minutes walk away, we eat together, chat, play, the kids have a bath, then we go home, perfect.

Eating at my aunt’s house would involve a stressful 30 min + drive, traffic’s always bad on Fridays, I’ve only driven there once so would have to follow my parents which I'd find very stressful. I am an anxious driver and prefer to avoid traffic when possible. Her house is a small flat, not child unfriendly but nothing other than the TV to entertain the kids. My 3 year old is a lot of work, won’t sit still, she’ll to touch everything, explore, harass the little dog, run around and play, normal 3 year old stuff but in that environment it’s just not going to be fun.

I have no relationship with my dad’s brother and I don’t expect to ever see him again which is fine by me. He made no effort to really talk to me when he could have on Friday (to be honest I’m glad he didn’t.)
It’s not a big family send off – the other 2 siblings don’t care enough to come. Me, the kids and my parents will visit his sister in the holidays when I’m less tired and stressed but I don’t feel a need to visit him.

I like to also add that I’m an introvert and I find any kind of lengthy social interaction emotionally draining. I feel exhausted when I finally get away – I don’t why this is but I get like that with everyone other than OH, my DDs and my parents – even close friends that I like and actually enjoy seeing. I feel tired just thinking about spending my evening this way.

I know I’m being a bit lazy and selfish for not wanting to go, but what is the point? Would I be really unreasonable to text my mum to say we’ll sit this one out but they should feel free to go there and eat without us this week?

Enkopkaffetak Thu 19-May-16 18:54:02

Yanbu but nor is your parents for wanting to do this on that Friday.

Just say no thank you. You all go and have a lovely time I will come over ne t week as usual.

FamiliarSting Thu 19-May-16 18:57:27

Oh I wasn'st saying they were being unreasonable, I'm more than happy for them to go and us to stay here. Ideal solution for me!

aginghippy Thu 19-May-16 19:01:05

YANBU at all. It's nice that they invited you, but you are not obliged. Just a polite no thank you is perfectly fine.

NannawifeofBaldr Thu 19-May-16 19:02:47

So you're asking if you are being selfish not to put yourself out a bit for your Dad and your disabled Aunt for a family meal less than a month after your Grandmother has died?

Yes, quite frankly.

NeedACleverNN Thu 19-May-16 19:06:27

To be fair I think you should suck it up for one night.

It's something that would probably never happen again and your mum and dad would probably feel quite hurt that you didn't make the effort.

Part of being an adult is having to do things you don't always want you to do.


tuesdaywednesday Thu 19-May-16 19:09:13

It's one night.

barbet Thu 19-May-16 19:14:19

That's a very very very long post for a simple situation, which makes me think you're talking yourself into it knowing you really should go. Which makes me think you probably should go.

But then I have a nightmare family so would probably think twice myself too.

<splinters from the fence>

BlackDoglet Thu 19-May-16 19:14:48

Would it make your parents happy for you to be there with your children?

I'd be inclined to go, it's a one off. Eat the meal, smile politely, make some memories for your parents/aunt/uncle, have some keepsake photos taken. You don't have to stay all evening, you could go after you've eaten (saves cooking that night!).

If there's no history of an abusive relationship with any of them (different story then), then take a deep breath and go for just a few hours. It'll make them happy!

LaurieMarlow Thu 19-May-16 19:18:44

YABU to make such a very big deal of going to someone else's house on a Friday night confused. It's not the undertaking of the century.

You don't sound v flexible or accommodating tbh. Sometimes adults do things that don't suit them because it's the right thing to do.

GloGirl Thu 19-May-16 19:19:19

Yabu I think.

FirstWeTakeManhattan Thu 19-May-16 19:22:14

To be honest, OP, YAB a bitU.

I'm an introvert, with young DC's and I'm a bit precious about my Friday nights, but this is a one off and one that might well be far more meaningful for other people than you.

Your post is peppered with 'stressful 30 minute journey' and things about the house not being perfect for young DC, and that you'll find it stressful but really, there's no real reason you can't go.

Your reasons basically amount to 'I don't want to.' It's up to you whether you think that's duly considerate of everyone else or not, but to be honest, I think you're being a bit U.

If you bail, don't reel off the list of 'reasons' though, because they're not ever so convincing! grin Just keep it brief.

TheHiphopopotamus Thu 19-May-16 19:23:28

Yabu. It's one evening.

lalalalyra Thu 19-May-16 19:28:57

I would go for your Dad. He might like a relationship with his brother and he might cherish these nice memories that he's making at a very difficult time. As a one off then I think you are being a bit unreasonable, only because your Dad has asked and you are obviously close to your parents to spend every Friday dinner with them.

FamiliarSting Thu 19-May-16 19:34:22

barbet - you're right, I know I probably should, but really don't want to and so waffled to try to explain the details to sort of justify my desire not to go.

Can I just mention that my mum does not like him at all, she thinks he is smug and arrogant. But obviously she's less selfless than me! But yes, perhaps my dad might be a bit sad if we're not there.

Well thanks for the replies!

Maybe I could suggest eating later so we can go after rush hour.

GrumpyOldBag Thu 19-May-16 19:40:14

It's a family occasion, it's important to your parents. For that reason you should go.

It's not all about you.

HereIAm20 Thu 19-May-16 20:21:33

Maybe go to give your Mum moral aupport?

foursillybeans Thu 19-May-16 20:33:32


YvaineStormhold Thu 19-May-16 20:36:29

Oh bloody hell, families.

I hate it.

My dad is a bugger for slagging off family members for years, then expecting us all to rally round and attend shit when he decides "Family is important."


And then I get it in the neck for not going along with the hypocrisy.

Don't go if you don't want to, OP. They'll get over it.

TrivialBlah Thu 19-May-16 20:46:58

Can't you catch a lift with your parents?

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Thu 19-May-16 20:50:54

Don't go if you don't want to.

But since you said it yourself, yes you are selfish and lazy.

FuckingMother Thu 19-May-16 22:52:06


I say that as an introvert and an anti-social one at that. You aren't going for your uncle, you are going to show support and be thoughtful for your parents. Your Dad's mum has very recently died. Maybe he finds it difficult and it would be nice if his kids could make the effort for 1 night to be around. I don't like driving in traffic either. I found it hard when my kids were younger. But stop making excuses. If you really don't want to go, don't. But you are being selfish and thoughtless and unkind. So what your siblings won't make the effort either. That doesn't make it ok.

By the way, use a map and familiarise yourself with the journey. Or maybe download a satnav app to your phone. I hate following other cars. It is stressful and dangerous I think.

WriteforFun1 Thu 19-May-16 22:57:03

I wouldn't go
Family and support etc is about being there for important stuff like when someone's broken their back (odd scenario, yes, but happened to me)
Family dinners like this mean nothing really
Some people make a big deal out of them but I don't go to things like this and people are okay because they know I'm there for the really tough stuff

CrazyOldBagLady Thu 19-May-16 22:58:53

Personally I don't think it would hurt you to pack some toys into the car and go and have one Friday night out with your family.

I'd guess that your Dad and his family would really appreciate it. You would only have to give up one Friday night out of many, your children would get to spend some time with their relations, you will have one night of someone else cooking and washing up for you.

Honestly a half hour drive is not really something that is insurmountable. I get that you aren't very sociable, but sometimes the people around you really appreciate your's and your families presence and it doesn't hurt to be nice to people once in a while and you might even enjoy the atmosphere.

Bolograph Thu 19-May-16 23:29:57

"have to follow my parents"

I'm a confident and experienced driver, who's driven probably a total of approaching half a million miles. I wouldn't follow anyone anywhere, as it's the most stressful and difficult sort of driving. Surely in 2016 you can use a SatNav or a map?

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